Have less freedom than my spouse

[BeingMe]

My wife and I have recently decided to test out the poly waters. We have met an amazing couple and there seems to be some level of attraction between all. My wife is hesitant about me being with a woman which she says stems from a breakup, initiated by me, before we were married (9yrs ago). I view this as an opportunity to bring more love into our lives and am excited about the experience. I feel very comfortable and have removed all boundaries, other than safety, so she can feel comfortable and confident that she can do what makes her happy. My wife, however, is nowhere near this comfortable. This has lead to a lot of freedom for her but leaves me in an uncomfortable position of having many more, for lack of a better word, restrictions. She tells me she is very interested in trying this lifestyle with our friends (which we both agree are the only people we are currently interested in) and that she is working on becoming comfortable with me engaging in more activities. I should add that as of yet nothing other than some flirting and cuddling.

Does anyone have experience dealing with feelings of unfair boundaries? Is there a perception that might help me maintain a more positive attitude during this transition? Can anyone offer any advice as to behaviors or things I can do/avoid to help my wife feel more at ease and comfortable with this new dynamic?

 

[Tinwen]

Can you give a timeframe please? How long since you met the couple? Did you talk about opening up before, or only after meeting them?

 

[GalaGirl]

This has lead to a lot of freedom for her but leaves me in an uncomfortable position of having many more, for lack of a better word, restrictions.

Well, you are different people and each at different comfort levels. You are not copies of each other.

What have you guys been doing to prepare?

And are you looking for Open or for polyamory? What open model are you trying to practice? This is not definitive, but a few examples.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

Have you done the work of disentanglement?
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

If you hit poly hell, what's your plan to cope with it?
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

She tells me she is very interested in trying this lifestyle with our friends (which we both agree are the only people we are currently interested in) and that she is working on becoming comfortable with me engaging in more activities. I should add that as of yet nothing other than some flirting and cuddling.

Sounds fine to me. No reason to rush into sharing sex with these people.

Out of curiosity... why are you guys interested in dating the same couple? Have you talked about dating separately?

Does anyone have experience dealing with feelings of unfair boundaries?

What about her requests for you are unfair? Did you agree to unfair things? If so... why?

Is there a perception that might help me maintain a more positive attitude during this transition?

Is it that you need to see progress being made over time?

Could look at this work sheet and color it green (yes -- good to go), yellow (caution- not at this time, but can turn yes later on), and red (no, never, a deal breaker.)

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

Then revisit it again in X months and see which can change to green so you can see something IS changing.

And not like foot dragging.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf

The other sheets might help too.
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Can anyone offer any advice as to behaviors or things I can do/avoid to help my wife feel more at ease and comfortable with this new dynamic?

Give her time and space. Ask her what you can do to help.

What happened when you broke up with her years ago? Has all that been healed? Why's it coming up now?

Galagirl

 

[ElMango]

My wife and I have recently decided to test out the poly waters.

How recently?

We have met an amazing couple and there seems to be some level of attraction between all.

4 people all dating each other? Coupling off? Swinging? What's the plan?

My wife is hesitant about me being with a woman which she says stems from a breakup, initiated by me, before we were married (9yrs ago).

What happened?

My wife, however, is nowhere near this comfortable. This has lead to a lot of freedom for her but leaves me in an uncomfortable position of having many more, for lack of a better word, restrictions.

Only move as fast as the slowest person. Talk about boundaries, and most importantly WHY does she have them. What purpose does boundary/rule X serve? This is a lesson I had to learn recently. Having a purpose behind the rule/boundary gives it meaning on both sides. And, gives our partners a chance to; if it is based on creating a feeling of security, make us feel more secure in more substantial ways, if that makes sense.

Does anyone have experience dealing with feelings of unfair boundaries?

What did you agree to?
Why did you agree?

Is there a perception that might help me maintain a more positive attitude during this transition?

Everyone tends to start very slow when opening a marriage. Mine started off with a 3way; but lots of rules and shit. Now, especially recently, things have been streamlined and removed

A lot of rules at first are eliterally there as a "once I know you'll respect my 'no' and I acclimatize, shit doesn't matter anymore."

Can anyone offer any advice as to behaviors or things I can do/avoid to help my wife feel more at ease and comfortable with this new dynamic?

Listen to her. Don't keep asking until she relents. Ask her why she has certain rules and boundaries in interest of making her comfortable; not in interest of getting laid. Only go as fast as your slowest partner.

As well as, find out why have 'uneven' rules upsets you when nothing else has even happened? Taking time isn't a bad thing. If it's only interest in this one couple, thenhow are things even able to be that unfair?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello BeingMe,

It sounds like your wife is imposing some unfair restrictions on you, due to being uncomfortable about a breakup before you were married. This is a problem you need to address, she can't just go imposing a double standard on you. One approach might be to find out what need she is meeting by each particular restriction. Then, see if there is maybe some other way of meeting that need. Also, you need to help her feel more comfortable. Perhaps you could reassure her that you won't break up with her again.

Keep in mind too, this is just a temporary situation, your wife won't impose these restrictions on you forever, she is just doing it right now because she feels uncomfortable. Once she gets feeling better, she will probably lift the restrictions. Knowing something is temporary can help us get through it.

Let us know if there is any other way we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[BeingMe]

Tinwen, we met the couple for the first time about 2 yrs ago. About 8 months ago we started hanging out with them here and there to see if we all got along and found we all really enjoy each other. About 3-4 months ago my wife and I started talking about having a sexual/romantic relationship with them and they have expressed a desire for the same. My wife and I have been discussing opening the relationship up for a couple of years but had not found people we were really comfortable with until this couple.

 

[BeingMe]

GalaGirl, thank you for the links. I am especially excieted about the sheet for us to go over about what is/isn't allowed. I think this will help give me some much needed clarity.
I do want to make sure that I did not misrepresent myself. I am not trying to push or "fix" my wife's position I am actually trying to help keep my mind right. I do understand this would be a huge change and not something to be rushed into. I am also fully aware that I put myself in the position I am in because I am choosing to remove so many boundaries.
I dont mean to say that her requests or boundaries are actually unfair as this is just where she is right now, but my emotional brain takes over sometimes and makes me feel like everything is unfair. The boundaries right now are I am allowed same sex but no opposite sex, and as both her and I are attracted to women more than men this does not work out quite as well for me as it may seem at first glance.
When we broke up before it was not do to another person I let my frustrations with things make me stupid. Instead of working together to fix the issues I wanted to runaway. We both "dated" another person during this time (quotes because neither was even close to serious), but what she wanted the whole time and what I came to realize I wanted the whole time was to work out our issues and be together.
I am realizing that another reason I feel like things are unfair is that, as the slowest person, she has all she control and I have none and I am not used to that. I have say, I can contribute my opinions and feelings but ultimately it is her decision what happends or doesnt happen.

 

[GalaGirl]

The boundaries right now are I am allowed same sex but no opposite sex, and as both her and I are attracted to women more than men this does not work out quite as well for me as it may seem at first glance.

Is there is no space to renegotiate this? Like change the agreement from "I can have sex with the same gender" to "I can have sex with who I'm attracted to?"

And focus more on safer sex practice like using condoms rather than focus on the gender of the person?

Since you both want to date the same couple is the problem that you are both after the same woman?

Galagirl

 

[ElMango]

The boundaries right now are I am allowed same sex but no opposite sex

I'd try to find out why she made this boundary. What is your gender make up? M/F wanting to be with another M/F couple? Maybe she is worried about not being special sexually in some wayif you're with another woman?

Instead of working together to fix the issues I wanted to runaway.

I think that maybe she has an underlying concern, that she may not even able to put words to, that this may be trying to run away from something again?

Have those issues been resolved?

I am realizing that another reason I feel like things are unfair is that, as the slowest person, she has all she control and I have none and I am not used to that. I have say, I can contribute my opinions and feelings but ultimately it is her decision what happends or doesnt happen.

Absolutely always talk about feelings! Yours, hers. Try to take the idea of collaborations as opposed to compromise.