Have nesting partner, was poly once before, now conflicted


New member
Hello! This will be my first post here. I couldn't sleep, and I've been digesting random public opinion/advice posts about polyamory. I will do my best to keep my story short.

I'll start by saying I'm currently in a relationship with my partner of over 2.5 years. (I'm female, he's male.) Kay and I began having sparks while I was living with my ex, Ty. We drank mushroom tea and cried while holding each other, for some context. Then, we hung out for the remaining few days Kay was visiting us. He was originally Ty's friend, and I'd hardly paid him any notice before.

That being said, (to skip ahead some) I came to find out Ty was a covert narcissist, which partially explains why I was asocial and isolating previously.

Fortunate factors came together that allowed Ty and me to leave UT and travel to ME, since his family lived there and I was seriously done living in UT. Kay happened to live there, too. Ty was only passive-aggressively resistant for the first few weeks and I was not independent enough to visit him on my own. Anyway, we quickly became a Vee. To my surprise (unfazed as I was), Ty was quite bi. I'm not sure to what extent, although he never had any quips about any sexual involvement. Kay is heterosexual, except this wasn't expressly said until at least 2/3rds of the way into our 5-month vee. They were only truly involved with me.

Kay gave me The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory and a polyamory journal. My head was in the clouds about it beforehand, and it wasn't until I gained the perspective of leaving Ty that I started thinking critically at all... I would argue. He said he gave me those materials so that I could become more aware that Ty wasn't good to me.

As it so happened, I was living with Ty when Kay slept with a new friend of ours, and subconsciously that's when I decided to move in with Kay, less than one week later. It was relatively simple for me, and I didn't give it much thought. I know Kay realized, and shared that this woman was a catalyst, too, and that my moving in changed things. Up until this happened, he hadn't discussed his poly inclinations or style, and without it having been specifically discussed as it pertained to him/us, the matter of him acting on it, I was oblivious to this, as well.

The woman, Janais, and I were easy friends from the start, and Kay said one of the main reasons for them hanging out was that I needed a friend (minor detail). I was not sure how I felt at the time. I accepted it, and avoided discussing it because of hypocrisy. It became apparent in the following months (mixed with recovering from the breakup with Ty), that I was deeply insecure. I have had depression and poor emotional regulation since childhood.

Briefly: Janais was away, and randomly came back in the spring. Going quiet with us both for periods is her style.

I think that something about my reaction the first time, lack of enthusiasm, quiet acceptance... made it so Kay was protective of their continued relationship right off the bat.

Janais came over at night and we all lightly talked. (She later said she had felt awkward, too.) The next night, she treated us to dinner and I tried on clothes. Still, there was no actual discussion about what they felt for each other (the dynamic), and I felt excluded from knowing this side of Kay, having time alone with Janais, and having a mutual openness. Kay later said he/or they (not sure) felt like they had to give me special attention, which I noticed, but I didn't appreciate it, because it was misplaced and unnecessary.

Janais was quiet and aimable, normally super talkative, so I didn't get much chance to get personal.

Perhaps a couple of nights later, Kay left the house I was dog-sitting at to hang out with her and help her pack. It's minor, but I recall him saying he would go there in the morning, and that one omission with the manner in which everything was conducted, had me interrupting their night when Janais sent me a pic.

They didn't have sex, instead had other intimacy throughout the night, and I played a large role in that. Janais kept asking how I felt about it (on video), and I messaged and talked to them on the phone. I had discussed one of Janais's relationships with her, but not her overall view, etc. It actually spurred me to write out how I felt about it, in an overly-analytical way, in the moment. I wasn't feeling negative about it, just distancing myself to Kaycee with the exercise. I didn't feel compersion until I saw the video and photos of them hanging out, because I was too wounded about not having had a certain level of transparency. I respect my partner greatly, and understand he's unique when it comes to talking when it's necessary, and it works with my penchant for silence.

Still, I think something has to change. I've been conflicted ever since... more lately, as I've been getting control of my mental illness. I have done a lot of processing of this... I'm slow at emotional processing, since I lack communication skills and Kay prefers not talking about emotions or thoughts unless they pertain to the present moment. So, I feel there was a lot left unsaid. It seems to me that he appreciates total freedom, since he once said, "After a while you run out of things to do, so why not have sex?" This has me thinking another encounter will surprise me too.

At the same time, I'm ready to move on, unless it somehow comes up between us. I would discuss it with Janais, yet I've deleted her, due to spending too much time thinking about her or looking at her socials. I truly would be her friend. So if she contacts me I will be pleasantly surprised. I have been a bit overbearing since I don't really have any solid friends... Def working on it.

Right now, Kay is content just being with me, but I don't know any more than that. We both don't know if or when we'll see her. But we aren't taking it personally, because it's her personality and the fact that we aren't close friends with her.

I know I'm capable of polyamory, even if I don't currently desire it. We both want to have a threesome with a girl, and I'd like to explore my bisexuality. I haven't done that before. I'm very controlled with my attraction to others. I am highly sexual once I'm comfortable.

Lately, I've been thinking about the phrase "F*ck your way to friendship," just because it's thought-provoking, and speaks to me on a level where now, when I imagine having friends, I could see myself opening up if attraction were involved.

I may be monoamorous, yet part of me is wondering if I'm just too afraid to see if I enjoy it. Men, specifically. So I'm heavily conflicted about Kay meeting someone by chance, because I don't want to end up obsessed, thinking about the details. Kitchen table, for starters?

Otherwise, I'm philosophically very much for a poly and for welcoming love in all its forms. When it comes to romantic love, I have the hardest time wrapping my head around the concept, since I try to imagine the other person a distracting amount. Janais would have probably been a friend with benefits, is what Kay had said.

I'm not too affected by my ex... I just feel utterly complete right now.

TLDR: I'm hoping to discuss polyamory with my partner after I feel prepared. We were involved in a vee with my ex a couple years back. Since I moved in, I haven't thought about being with anyone else and have not brought it up with my partner.

Any advice on how to navigate this situation, or a way to bring up the topic? It will be in later months... so, the near future. Thank you for the long read!
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Welcome! Would you mind going back into your post and editing it to use nicknames instead of initials for the other people? We ask members to do this because it makes reading and understanding much easier. Thanks. :)
Hello NayNay,

You said Kay gave you The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory, and a polyamory journal. Polyamory is nothing new to Kay. So why not sit down with him and talk about it? You said you don't desire polyamory right now, but it sounds like you might desire it in the future. Also, you need to know how Kay feels about it. Communication is vital in poly.

You might start by saying, "Kay, I know we have been in a couple of poly situations in the past, one with Ty, and one with Janais. How do you feel about that? Would you want to try poly in the future?" Then you both have space to express your feelings about it. That is what we do in poly. We share our thoughts and feelings with each other

Good luck. Keep us posted!

Kevin T.
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