Have you been a unicorn?

[SquishyHusk]

Have you been the mythical, sought-after, unicorn to a married couple? I'd like to hear your story.
My wife and I had not been hunting for a unicorn, but through a combination of circumstances, my wife's friend (Pumpkin) moved in with us and one day the conversation came up that she would like to be more than a friend.
I often wonder how Pumpkin feels about the relationship. I've tried asking her, but she only give vague answers - she's happy, she loves us, she has no plans to change anything. She did buy a ring for herself with stones to represent my wife and myself to signify her commitment to us, which I find touching.
Since Pumpkin is not being very open about how she is feeling (and maybe I'm just overthinking it - she very well might be happy to just enjoy loving and being loved and just take life one day at a time) I'd like to hear the stories of other people that have been with a married couple and how that was for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SquishyHusk,

I am in a V where the other two people (my partner and my metamour) are married to each other. I don't know if that makes me a unicorn. I am satisfied with our arrangement, and don't want it to change.

I think it's a bad idea to assume Pumpkin is lying, or to suspect that she's lying, when she says she's happy. If she says she's happy, believe her. If she is lying, that is on her. Of course she should also feel safe to tell you the truth. Be an excellent receiver of bad news, should she at some point have bad news to tell you.

Does she seem happy?
Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Albert Ross]

I often wonder how Pumpkin feels about the relationship. I've tried asking her, but she only give vague answers - she's happy, she loves us, she has no plans to change anything.

In fairness to Pumpkin, if you're asking her some version of "how do you feel?", that's a pretty vague question, so it's not surprising you'd get vague answers. What else is she supposed to say?

Since Pumpkin is not being very open about how she is feeling (and maybe I'm just overthinking it - she very well might be happy to just enjoy loving and being loved and just take life one day at a time)

Perhaps you are overthinking. What is your intention in asking Pumpkin how she feels — and asking the forum for their experiences? Is it, for example, to quell some anxiety over whether or not your relationship is likely to continue?

Getting at the underlying reason for these questions might help you have a more direct and productive conversation with Pumpkin.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What have you offered her in terms of greater security?

 

[SquishyHusk]

Does she seem happy?

I think that, right now, she is happier than she has been in a very, very long time.

 

[SquishyHusk]

In fairness to Pumpkin, if you're asking her some version of "how do you feel?", that's a pretty vague question, so it's not surprising you'd get vague answers. What else is she supposed to say?

Perhaps you are overthinking. What is your intention in asking Pumpkin how she feels — and asking the forum for their experiences? Is it, for example, to quell some anxiety over whether or not your relationship is likely to continue?

I mostly ask about her about what she wants to ger out of this. Will she be happy as a third, or will she want a partner of her own?

Maybe I'm worried that I'll be the third. Right now, my wife is still feeling the NRE. It's her first time with another woman and she is definitely enjoying all of the new experiences. It is difficult some days, to see how strong the feelings are between them. Some days it feels like a V with my wife in the middle. I'm okay with that. I just want to know where things stand.

Some of my worries are because this is all new and strange to me and I don't know what to expect.

 

[SquishyHusk]

What have you offered her in terms of greater security?

We have given her a home free of judgement and expectations. We've told her that she is family. This was before anything became romantic, when she was just a friend. She has been added as a health care proxy. She has keys to everything. She is invited to all family gatherings.

 

[Magdlyn]

I mostly ask about her about what she wants to ger out of this. Will she be happy as a third, or will she want a partner of her own?

Being your "third" is couple-centric thinking and speech. You are all individuals. I actually think it's rude to call a partner a "third." Like she's a third wheel, throwing the "real" couple off-balance.

Maybe I'm worried that I'll be the third.

You mean, maybe Pumpkin and your wife will become primaries and you'll just become a secondary to both of them, and to you, that means unimportant and even disposable.

Right now, my wife is still feeling the NRE. It's her first time with another woman and she is definitely enjoying all of the new experiences. It is difficult some days, to see how strong the feelings are between them. Some days it feels like a V with my wife in the middle.

I can see that the women are more into each other right now. You are feeling lonely because your wife is in NRE, and no matter what, you feel neglected and like an outsider. Changing this mindset is something you are working on.

Also, be patient. With the passing of time, their NRE will definitely wear off and maybe you and wife will find more time to connect and bond in a whole new way.

I'm okay with that. I just want to know where things stand.

It's evolving right now, and change is hard. Mere words won't reassure you. What actions can YOU take to feel more secure? What actions can either of the women do to help you feel more secure? What can you all do as a threesome to help you feel more important and not like a third wheel?

You neglected your wife's needs in the past. I think trust needs to be rebuilt. How to do that? Keep showing up for her. Ask her out on romantic dates.

Some of my worries are because this is all new and strange to me and I don't know what to expect.

 

[SquishyHusk]

Being your "third" is couple-centric thinking and speech. You are all individuals. I actually think it's rude to call a partner a "third." Like she's a third wheel, throwing the "real" couple off-balance.

I like to think that in our case, having a third makes us more stable, like a tripod, but I understand what you mean.

You mean, maybe Pumpkin and your wife will become primaries and you'll just become a secondary to both of them, and to you, that means unimportant and even disposable.

I feel this way sometimes. Less important, certainly.

I can see that the women are more into each other right now. You are feeling lonely because your wife is in NRE, and no matter what, you feel neglected and like an outsider. Changing this mindset is something you are working on.

Also, be patient. With the passing of time, their NRE will definitely wear off and maybe you and wife will find more time to connect and bond in a whole new way.

It's evolving right now, and change is hard. Mere words won't reassure you. What actions can YOU take to feel more secure? What actions can either of the women do to help you feel more secure? What can you all do as a threesome to help you feel more important and not like a third wheel?

I have communicated with the girls that when I've been travelling, and sleeping alone for a week or two, while they have each other - that when I come home, I would like extra attention, extra hugs. I need to feel like I was missed, I need to feel like they are happier that I'm home versus happier when I'm gone. I must not be communicating effectively, or they don't feel like giving me the reassurance that I need.

You neglected your wife's needs in the past. I think trust needs to be rebuilt. How to do that? Keep showing up for her. Ask her out on romantic dates.

I have not been good about planning dates. I need to be better at this.

 

[Bobbi]

I like to think that in our case, having a third makes us more stable, like a tripod, but I understand what you mean.

I know you would LIKE to think this way, but for that to happen the relationships need to be equal in every way, which is impossible. You are individuals and your individual relationships will each have their own dynamic.

The tripod will inherently be unstable (wobble) in some way, and each of you will need to become comfortable with that instability. The goal is to learn over time how that instability shows up for each of you, and communicate your needs to try to overcome the negative feelings about the instability. (Maybe one leg needs a matchbook under it and another needs a thicker book.) To make everyone feel secure in it, you can work to reduce the wobble as much as possible, knowing it will never be perfect.