Having a hard time letting go....

[JaneQSmythe]

When he stated on a few occasions that he fantasized about me being his, I should have known something was wrong, but I thought that was normal for someone was new to poly.

I think it can be normal for someone who is new to poly...just listen to a million love songs and you realize that the "script" we have for romantic relationships includes the "one and only" concept over and over..."you're the only one for me" " I wanna make you mine" etc. etc.

I think people have be "trained" that that is what their partner wants to hear - so someone may inadvertently use language that implies mono-shipping when what they meant to say is "I really care for you and want to be with you. You are special to me."

Dude would occasionally lapse early on...I would correct him hard and fast - now it never happens.

This is a HUGE red flag that someone wants to cowboy your relationship; basically trying to poach someone from their other relationships. It is also a red flag that is not usually picked up on until the mistake has been made at least once. Personally I wouldn't beat myself up about missing this one if I were you, some of these lessons require the mistake to be made before we can learn not to make the mistake.

I ALSO think it can be a "red flag" - especially if it is pointed out and repeated anyway and ESPECIALLY if they don't want to acknowledge the other partner or hear about any other relationships - like they want to exist in a bubble of reality where they ARE your one-and-only.

BUT Dude can whisper to me "Oh, my sweet JaneQ, my sweetheart." While recognizing that I am also MrS's JaneQ and Lotus's sweetheart. Being "Dude's girlfriend" does preclude Lotus from being "Dude's girlfriend" or Me being "MrS's wife", any more that my father being "my Dad" precludes him from being my sister's dad or my mother's husband.

You have to look deeper into context to see what these things really mean to the person saying them. (As opposed to what they mean to the person hearing them - which may be very different).

 

[alibabe_muse]

I am not trying to defend the ex-boyfriend or come off as mean but have you thought at all on your pregnancy being more than he could handle. I don't know his side but in another thread where you mention this he is okay with it (before sex enters your relationship). Is it possible he felt more like an interloper and you having your husbands child was more than he really was able to handle? He could have bad communication skills and felt not in person is best.

In that thread you mentioned catching him in lies. Not sure about that twist since I am not sure what it was. But if there was than he will deal with that on his own.

Right now, those preggo hormones are not making it easier for you to "let go". That is not good for the baby baking in your oven. Take care of yourself and that peanut first... your emotional health, if in an unhappy place, is not good for baby. And its possible your feelings for him have been so intense not just from NRE but baby hormones too.

I wish you lots of love and a healthier happier last months of pregnancy.

 

[Snic85]

Actually, I have been thinking about the days leading up to the break up and have thought that the pregnancy became to real for him. He met my husband just prior to it and the last time I saw him, he felt the baby move for the first time and I'm really starting to show. In the text he sent he did tell me to focus on my family and the baby. He gave so many excuses, it felt like he was trying to come up with every excuse he could think of. He was always so positive about everything going on, it's hard to tell what he was really thinking. I am sure the pregnancy hormones are greatly intensifying everything. I'm normally not nearly this emotional, I'm usually stronger than this.

I am not trying to defend the ex-boyfriend or come off as mean but have you thought at all on your pregnancy being more than he could handle. I don't know his side but in another thread where you mention this he is okay with it (before sex enters your relationship). Is it possible he felt more like an interloper and you having your husbands child was more than he really was able to handle? He could have bad communication skills and felt not in person is best.

In that thread you mentioned catching him in lies. Not sure about that twist since I am not sure what it was. But if there was than he will deal with that on his own.

Right now, those preggo hormones are not making it easier for you to "let go". That is not good for the baby baking in your oven. Take care of yourself and that peanut first... your emotional health, if in an unhappy place, is not good for baby. And its possible your feelings for him have been so intense not just from NRE but baby hormones too.

I wish you lots of love and a healthier happier last months of pregnancy.

 

[Snic85]

I didn't see it as a red flag at the time. He was always so concerned about how my husband was adjusting and making sure that my marriage was okay. He was even very excited after he met my husband. He said he wanted us all to hang out again so they could get to know each other. He was very good at acknowledging my marriage and family. I thought his "mono fantasy" was normal especially for someone new to poly.

I think it can be normal for someone who is new to poly...just listen to a million love songs and you realize that the "script" we have for romantic relationships includes the "one and only" concept over and over..."you're the only one for me" " I wanna make you mine" etc. etc.

I think people have be "trained" that that is what their partner wants to hear - so someone may inadvertently use language that implies mono-shipping when what they meant to say is "I really care for you and want to be with you. You are special to me."

Dude would occasionally lapse early on...I would correct him hard and fast - now it never happens.



I ALSO think it can be a "red flag" - especially if it is pointed out and repeated anyway and ESPECIALLY if they don't want to acknowledge the other partner or hear about any other relationships - like they want to exist in a bubble of reality where they ARE your one-and-only.

BUT Dude can whisper to me "Oh, my sweet JaneQ, my sweetheart." While recognizing that I am also MrS's JaneQ and Lotus's sweetheart. Being "Dude's girlfriend" does preclude Lotus from being "Dude's girlfriend" or Me being "MrS's wife", any more that my father being "my Dad" precludes him from being my sister's dad or my mother's husband.

You have to look deeper into context to see what these things really mean to the person saying them. (As opposed to what they mean to the person hearing them - which may be very different).

 

[IndieSolo]

I won't be anyone's first relationship after a divorce or break up again.

I think this is wise. Divorce hits people very, very hard, even if they wanted it. Feelings of shame, abandonment, anger, confusion, worthlessness, deep sadness, and wanting to blot it all out to forget the pain and get on with one's life, all wrapped up in one big hot mess! He probably wanted to try getting involved in a poly situation because it was exciting (a "new drug"), he liked you a lot, and it was an opportunity for some much-needed affection, validation, and escapism... until reality set in and he realized he needed to work on himself first.

When I first was separated from my husband I read a book that said it is generally accepted among mental health professionals that it takes two years after a divorce to feel fully functional again. I started dating about six months after being separated, and believe me, looking back - I would not wish me on anyone in the emotional/mental shape I was back then. Those relationships I had were sheer roller-coaster rides. The highs were high and the lows were low. One day I was having fun fucking my brains out, delighted with a new lover, and the next I just wanted to curl up and die. No, let newly divorced people fumble around and date each other until they come out of it and can make sense of the world again.

 

[YouAreHere]

When I first was separated from my husband I read a book that said it is generally accepted among mental health professionals that it takes two years after a divorce to feel fully functional again. I started dating about six months after being separated, and believe me, looking back - I would not wish me on anyone in the emotional/mental shape I was back then. Those relationships I had were sheer roller-coaster rides. The highs were high and the lows were low.

Yep, yep, yep. And I, like Snic85's BF, came out of a divorce and right into a fledgling poly relationship, so not only was I dealing with all the divorce stuff, but also with all the "new poly" stuff. There were lots of hurt feelings all around, and Chops and I have both agreed that it would have been better for me to be single for a year or so before trying to start a relationship.

But there's also that niggling feeling of low self-worth - that a long-term relationship has ended, and being in another relationship validates you, somehow, so you jump right into it before you're ready.

Ugh.

The best of intentions and all the love in the world don't make that emotional roller coaster any easier. I would like to think that if Chops and I break up, that I would take some time for myself this time. Snic85, I agree with NYC - giving that person space to heal is probably the best thing for them (and you). Sorry you're dealing with the roller coaster, though.