RabbitMind
New member
I'm new to forums in general, so please bear with me.
Recently I've been having thoughts about my previous boyfriend, even though I'm currently in a relationship and so is he.
I've thought about my own feelings regarding relationships in general, and I'm about 90% sure that I'm polyamorous, but my current and previous boyfriend are both monogamous. In my time with both of them, I've let them know that I'm poly and have tried to explain to the best of my ability what it means to me and how it makes me feel towards others. With this came some reassurance and occasional jealousy of just the thought of me being poly, but it has never affected my relationship directly otherwise.
I had made the decision in both relationships to abide by monogamous expectations, and have never had a problem doing so until now.
I ended up calling my previous boyfriend at about 2am a couple weeks ago, sobbing and trying to talk coherently about the issue I was having. I'm incredibly thankful that we're still friends, because when I told him that I missed him, he comforted me rather than scolding me or pushing me away. We had about an hour long talk, in which I explained to him how I had been feeling for the past two months or so.
The feelings that I told him about included how I felt I missed him in a relationship-type way, but that I knew that our personalities and just the general way we both function didn't quite fit. That being one of the reasons why we separated, the other reason being my thoughts of, "You deserve so much better than me."
I also apologized for being so insensitive at times, when we had been together. Something I feel I still haven't forgiven myself for. He told me that the level of insensitivity I had been remembering was probably not as bad as it really was, and that he wasn't upset with me.
I also told him that I wished I could just stop thinking about it all, because it wasn't helping anybody, considering we're both in relationships currently. He offered to listen to me if I needed to say anything, telling me, "I'm glad I'm someone you can talk to, and I'd like to be there if you need to talk to someone."
Another thing he said was, "I know deep down, there's still a part of me that loves you," and he reassured me that the way I was feeling was valid and acceptable, as long as I didn't act on those feelings. And I haven't acted on those feelings, other than trying to resolve and lay them to rest.
Originally, when he told me he'd gotten into another relationship, I was quite happy for him. Though I do remember feeling a twinge of jealousy. The jealousy has also been messing with me, because since I was the one who initiated the separation, I've told myself that I shouldn't be complaining or having those jealous thoughts.
As for my current boyfriend, he's nearly everything I could ask for in a partner. He cares so much about me, and does most anything he can to make me feel better when I'm having a hard time. We have many agreements on how we want to live our lives, and I have never felt more secure in a relationship (in the sense of, I'm 100% sure things are going to work out).
But with these new thoughts of my previous boyfriend, there comes so much guilt of being a bad girlfriend for just having those thoughts. The guilt, the stress of saying something about it to him, if he came to the false conclusion that I was cheating on him or similar. All reasons why I haven't talked to him about it. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing him, and don't want to risk discussing it if I can just find another way to resolve it.
I've thought about why I might have started feeling this way about my previous boyfriend again, and for the most part I've got nothing. The only thing I could think of was that my current boyfriend (being away, as we're in a LDR) isn't around when I really need it, also being busy with work nearly all the time that I'm awake in the daytime. But, I don't blame him for that at all. It's just been difficult to stay connected with him.
My previous boyfriend, on the other hand, I see nearly three times a week as we go to the same college, and the situation ends up as us sitting next to each other for nearly the entire school day. I'm able to talk and make jokes with him, and while we're in eyesight of each other I'm able to keep myself in check and not say or do anything inappropriate or out of line.
But even then, just seeing him can cause a weight in my chest and my throat to tighten as to keep from crying. There are times when I'm not so emotionally stable, and need to excuse myself to the restroom to cry quietly until I've calmed down. The feeling isn't entirely foreign to me since I have depression, but every time it includes him it seems to be so much stronger.
I know that the way I love them both is different, but they're the same in the sense that my heart doesn't want to let go of either of them, even though my brain knows what's best for the situation.
All I want to do is be able to move on and allow all of us to live our lives without me questioning how to handle my feelings for people. I just don't want to make a mess of things, but I don't know what to do.
Recently I've been having thoughts about my previous boyfriend, even though I'm currently in a relationship and so is he.
I've thought about my own feelings regarding relationships in general, and I'm about 90% sure that I'm polyamorous, but my current and previous boyfriend are both monogamous. In my time with both of them, I've let them know that I'm poly and have tried to explain to the best of my ability what it means to me and how it makes me feel towards others. With this came some reassurance and occasional jealousy of just the thought of me being poly, but it has never affected my relationship directly otherwise.
I had made the decision in both relationships to abide by monogamous expectations, and have never had a problem doing so until now.
I ended up calling my previous boyfriend at about 2am a couple weeks ago, sobbing and trying to talk coherently about the issue I was having. I'm incredibly thankful that we're still friends, because when I told him that I missed him, he comforted me rather than scolding me or pushing me away. We had about an hour long talk, in which I explained to him how I had been feeling for the past two months or so.
The feelings that I told him about included how I felt I missed him in a relationship-type way, but that I knew that our personalities and just the general way we both function didn't quite fit. That being one of the reasons why we separated, the other reason being my thoughts of, "You deserve so much better than me."
I also apologized for being so insensitive at times, when we had been together. Something I feel I still haven't forgiven myself for. He told me that the level of insensitivity I had been remembering was probably not as bad as it really was, and that he wasn't upset with me.
I also told him that I wished I could just stop thinking about it all, because it wasn't helping anybody, considering we're both in relationships currently. He offered to listen to me if I needed to say anything, telling me, "I'm glad I'm someone you can talk to, and I'd like to be there if you need to talk to someone."
Another thing he said was, "I know deep down, there's still a part of me that loves you," and he reassured me that the way I was feeling was valid and acceptable, as long as I didn't act on those feelings. And I haven't acted on those feelings, other than trying to resolve and lay them to rest.
Originally, when he told me he'd gotten into another relationship, I was quite happy for him. Though I do remember feeling a twinge of jealousy. The jealousy has also been messing with me, because since I was the one who initiated the separation, I've told myself that I shouldn't be complaining or having those jealous thoughts.
As for my current boyfriend, he's nearly everything I could ask for in a partner. He cares so much about me, and does most anything he can to make me feel better when I'm having a hard time. We have many agreements on how we want to live our lives, and I have never felt more secure in a relationship (in the sense of, I'm 100% sure things are going to work out).
But with these new thoughts of my previous boyfriend, there comes so much guilt of being a bad girlfriend for just having those thoughts. The guilt, the stress of saying something about it to him, if he came to the false conclusion that I was cheating on him or similar. All reasons why I haven't talked to him about it. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing him, and don't want to risk discussing it if I can just find another way to resolve it.
I've thought about why I might have started feeling this way about my previous boyfriend again, and for the most part I've got nothing. The only thing I could think of was that my current boyfriend (being away, as we're in a LDR) isn't around when I really need it, also being busy with work nearly all the time that I'm awake in the daytime. But, I don't blame him for that at all. It's just been difficult to stay connected with him.
My previous boyfriend, on the other hand, I see nearly three times a week as we go to the same college, and the situation ends up as us sitting next to each other for nearly the entire school day. I'm able to talk and make jokes with him, and while we're in eyesight of each other I'm able to keep myself in check and not say or do anything inappropriate or out of line.
But even then, just seeing him can cause a weight in my chest and my throat to tighten as to keep from crying. There are times when I'm not so emotionally stable, and need to excuse myself to the restroom to cry quietly until I've calmed down. The feeling isn't entirely foreign to me since I have depression, but every time it includes him it seems to be so much stronger.
I know that the way I love them both is different, but they're the same in the sense that my heart doesn't want to let go of either of them, even though my brain knows what's best for the situation.
All I want to do is be able to move on and allow all of us to live our lives without me questioning how to handle my feelings for people. I just don't want to make a mess of things, but I don't know what to do.
They could fade somewhat, if you didn't see him so often. 