I'm new to the site so please forgive me if I make a faux pax.
I have been married to my wife, I'll call her Zoe, for close to 6 years and we have both been mono this whole time. From the beginning Zoe knew she was bisexual but had never had a chance to be with another woman. Through the years we have always talked about including another woman into our marriage, so the idea of polyamory isn't new. About a month ago Zoe told me that she had a crush on a woman she works with and that she was developing sexual desires towards her and that this woman, let's call her Mara, was interested in Zoe but not in having any sexual relationship with me so us all being poly together wasn't an option. I understood that this was something important to her, for her to explore a side of her sexuality that she has never had the chance to so I told her I was okay with her exploring the situation as long as we were completely transparent with everything and that if there was something I was not comfortable with, I tell her and we work through it to make sure her and I keep together.
After about two week, it was becoming obvious to me that this wasn't just a crush and that Zoe was developing feelings for Mara. I explained that I was struggling with the new development but feel that it is still something that she needs to figure out and that if I asked her to put the breaks on then she would just resent me in the long run. So it continued on much the same as before and about a week later, it was obvious things had changed again and that this wasn't just an infatuation, Zoe loved her and Mara loved her back. I was actually the one who pointed this out.
This leads us to our current situation; Zoe is taking steps to further the relationship with Mara physically as well as nurturing the emotional connection, I am left feeling a lot of emotions that are very difficult for me to deal with.
Okay, thanks for reading this far, now to what I would like help with. First, and most importantly at the minute is: I am becoming extremely needy in our relationship. I was not needy before, but since this has started it has been causing issues with Zoe and I. I know I am doing it, I try to assess where the emotion is coming from but I'm not sure what the root is. Have people dealt with this in the past? and what worked for you?
Second, Zoe and I have talked about what the options are moving forward and what we came up with is that either I tell her I am not okay with it anymore, presenting her with an ultimatum and she resents me. Or I get okay with what is happening and things continue which makes me feel like I have been given an ultimatum and I have begun to resent her. How do you make decisions when it feel like all of them lead to someone, or all three of us, getting hurt?
Closing statements for clarity, we have great communication and we love each other very, very much. We are both sure that we want our marriage to work out, that we still have our hopes and dreams for our future together, and that this is something that we can work through, it will just take a lot of work.
Thank you
I have been married to my wife, I'll call her Zoe, for close to 6 years and we have both been mono this whole time. From the beginning Zoe knew she was bisexual but had never had a chance to be with another woman. Through the years we have always talked about including another woman into our marriage, so the idea of polyamory isn't new. About a month ago Zoe told me that she had a crush on a woman she works with and that she was developing sexual desires towards her and that this woman, let's call her Mara, was interested in Zoe but not in having any sexual relationship with me so us all being poly together wasn't an option. I understood that this was something important to her, for her to explore a side of her sexuality that she has never had the chance to so I told her I was okay with her exploring the situation as long as we were completely transparent with everything and that if there was something I was not comfortable with, I tell her and we work through it to make sure her and I keep together.
After about two week, it was becoming obvious to me that this wasn't just a crush and that Zoe was developing feelings for Mara. I explained that I was struggling with the new development but feel that it is still something that she needs to figure out and that if I asked her to put the breaks on then she would just resent me in the long run. So it continued on much the same as before and about a week later, it was obvious things had changed again and that this wasn't just an infatuation, Zoe loved her and Mara loved her back. I was actually the one who pointed this out.
This leads us to our current situation; Zoe is taking steps to further the relationship with Mara physically as well as nurturing the emotional connection, I am left feeling a lot of emotions that are very difficult for me to deal with.
Okay, thanks for reading this far, now to what I would like help with. First, and most importantly at the minute is: I am becoming extremely needy in our relationship. I was not needy before, but since this has started it has been causing issues with Zoe and I. I know I am doing it, I try to assess where the emotion is coming from but I'm not sure what the root is. Have people dealt with this in the past? and what worked for you?
Second, Zoe and I have talked about what the options are moving forward and what we came up with is that either I tell her I am not okay with it anymore, presenting her with an ultimatum and she resents me. Or I get okay with what is happening and things continue which makes me feel like I have been given an ultimatum and I have begun to resent her. How do you make decisions when it feel like all of them lead to someone, or all three of us, getting hurt?
Closing statements for clarity, we have great communication and we love each other very, very much. We are both sure that we want our marriage to work out, that we still have our hopes and dreams for our future together, and that this is something that we can work through, it will just take a lot of work.
Thank you
