Hi everyone, I've gotten some thoughts from friends but I wanted to post here and make sure I am getting some unbiased feedback. My stbxH did a lot of gaslighting to the point where I am no longer really confident of how "appropriate" my reactions are when I feel emotional.
My partner, Henry, moved into my house a year ago. He pays rent and does have his own designated space but it's full of junk and he rarely uses it. He spends most of his alone time in the finished basement which I also need to use since it has my laundry room as well as my pantry and other stored items there- it is not a private space by any means. Kiddo also likes to play down there and lots of his toys are present.
I will admit up front that I am not used to having strangers in my home. stbxH never invited friends over, ever, so the only people who have ever been in my home socially were personally invited by me. I had trouble when Henry started inviting his friends over to hang out and do hobbies because I felt uncomfortable that there were people in my house. They can't at this time really be in Henry's room since it's cluttered with junk and anyway couldn't make much noise there after Kiddo goes to bed since it's right next door, so they are always in common areas. I have tried to meet them and be friendly (and that helps) but I am always a bit uncomfortable. I own that this is my issue and don't try to prevent him from having people over althought I admit to not being enthused by it. I do recognize that Henry lives here too and should have the right to have his friends visit.
I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and specifically with regards to personal items and space. I need all doors and windows locked in my home to feel comfortable and safe.
I can also share that Henry told me in previous living situations that his roommates or partners have not wanted him to have people over for various reasons. He gets upset if he thinks that is happening because of his past. He admits to having stronger than reasonable reactions if this is the case and owns that.
So, given that background, here is what happened yesterday:
One of Henry's friends is doing a walk across the country to raise money for mental health awareness, and he was going to be passing through our town. Henry invited him to stay the night. I asked him if this was a person he actually knew as opposed to just someone from the internet, and he said yes he'd known him for 8 years (although he hadn't seen him in a year). So I said okay and figured I could suck up the uncomfortable for one night. I was not enthused and asked that he wait to have the friend over until after my family left for the day (around 7pm) and he said probably not but the guy would just drop off his stuff and head out for dinner and not be back until later.
So the guy comes over and he seems friendly enough and introduces himself to my family and to Kiddo. I try to be polite and make conversation. He leaves his stuff and goes out to dinner and I get Kiddo settled in bed and Henry and I have our dinner.
The friend comes back later and we're all chatting again. He asks me to like his page on Facebook so that he can tag us as staying here tonight. I go over to his page and see that he has actually posted a Google Maps image of him walking from wherever he was to my house, with the address listed. This is a completely public internet site. On the inside, I am freaking the fuck out, but I at least try to restrain myself and say that I am not comfortable with that, and he removes the post (it had already been shared twice and I don't know if that means it's still out there). At this point I'm already in shock that he thought it would be acceptable to post someone's home address on the internet, especially without even asking permission!
Then I decide to start looking over his page so I can at least get an idea about what he's doing and such. Then I read on his page that he is a multiple convicted felon, for armed robbery. Not jail, but prison.The last instance was in 2002, but that's a violent crime. If someone has shown the propensity to be dangerous to other people, I don't want them in my home and especially around Kiddo!
I had a severe anxiety attack to the point where I couldn't move and just sat quietly until they went outside for a cigarette, and then I went upstairs and locked myself in the master bedroom and called a friend while I was crying and in the middle of my attack. I sent Henry a text that said that I was having an attack, that I couldn't believe he'd invite a convicted felon into our home and around Kiddo, and to leave me alone. He came up and knocked at the door and tried calling my cell but I didn't answer because I couldn't handle speaking to him right now. He IM'd me saying he got it, that I didn't want to see him or speak to him. I'm still not really sure what the tone of that was, but it was plain and simple the truth and I told him to leave me alone so I don't know what was going on there. Usually he gives me space when I need it so I don't know why he didn't last night.
I told him that I didn't feel safe and that I needed space and I probably should have stopped answering but I didn't, and we had a conversation where he told me that the conviction was 14 years ago and that he is a different person now and does so much good, etc etc. I told him that it doesn't matter to me, that I feel like he violated my consent by withholding that information, and that I don't even feel safe in my own home right now. That I couldn't believe that he thought it would be okay to have a convicted felon around Kiddo. He asked if I wanted him to kick the friend out and I said no, and told him that I'd be scared about issues if he did but that I did not want the friend around Kiddo in the morning- that I wanted him gone and this never to happen again.
I'm seriously questioning Henry's judgment at this point and I am feeling pretty horrible. I'm still feeling anxiety even though the friend was gone before I got up in the morning. Henry has been in the basement since I got up so we haven't spoken and I'm not really feeling like hashing this out. I feel violated. One of my friends asked me whether I was waiting for him to come to me to reassure me or something but that's not it at all; I don't really want him around me right now.
So, I'd really appreciate it, if you waded through this whole story, if you'd share your thoughts about this whole situation. Thanks in advance.
My partner, Henry, moved into my house a year ago. He pays rent and does have his own designated space but it's full of junk and he rarely uses it. He spends most of his alone time in the finished basement which I also need to use since it has my laundry room as well as my pantry and other stored items there- it is not a private space by any means. Kiddo also likes to play down there and lots of his toys are present.
I will admit up front that I am not used to having strangers in my home. stbxH never invited friends over, ever, so the only people who have ever been in my home socially were personally invited by me. I had trouble when Henry started inviting his friends over to hang out and do hobbies because I felt uncomfortable that there were people in my house. They can't at this time really be in Henry's room since it's cluttered with junk and anyway couldn't make much noise there after Kiddo goes to bed since it's right next door, so they are always in common areas. I have tried to meet them and be friendly (and that helps) but I am always a bit uncomfortable. I own that this is my issue and don't try to prevent him from having people over althought I admit to not being enthused by it. I do recognize that Henry lives here too and should have the right to have his friends visit.
I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and specifically with regards to personal items and space. I need all doors and windows locked in my home to feel comfortable and safe.
I can also share that Henry told me in previous living situations that his roommates or partners have not wanted him to have people over for various reasons. He gets upset if he thinks that is happening because of his past. He admits to having stronger than reasonable reactions if this is the case and owns that.
So, given that background, here is what happened yesterday:
One of Henry's friends is doing a walk across the country to raise money for mental health awareness, and he was going to be passing through our town. Henry invited him to stay the night. I asked him if this was a person he actually knew as opposed to just someone from the internet, and he said yes he'd known him for 8 years (although he hadn't seen him in a year). So I said okay and figured I could suck up the uncomfortable for one night. I was not enthused and asked that he wait to have the friend over until after my family left for the day (around 7pm) and he said probably not but the guy would just drop off his stuff and head out for dinner and not be back until later.
So the guy comes over and he seems friendly enough and introduces himself to my family and to Kiddo. I try to be polite and make conversation. He leaves his stuff and goes out to dinner and I get Kiddo settled in bed and Henry and I have our dinner.
The friend comes back later and we're all chatting again. He asks me to like his page on Facebook so that he can tag us as staying here tonight. I go over to his page and see that he has actually posted a Google Maps image of him walking from wherever he was to my house, with the address listed. This is a completely public internet site. On the inside, I am freaking the fuck out, but I at least try to restrain myself and say that I am not comfortable with that, and he removes the post (it had already been shared twice and I don't know if that means it's still out there). At this point I'm already in shock that he thought it would be acceptable to post someone's home address on the internet, especially without even asking permission!
Then I decide to start looking over his page so I can at least get an idea about what he's doing and such. Then I read on his page that he is a multiple convicted felon, for armed robbery. Not jail, but prison.The last instance was in 2002, but that's a violent crime. If someone has shown the propensity to be dangerous to other people, I don't want them in my home and especially around Kiddo!
I had a severe anxiety attack to the point where I couldn't move and just sat quietly until they went outside for a cigarette, and then I went upstairs and locked myself in the master bedroom and called a friend while I was crying and in the middle of my attack. I sent Henry a text that said that I was having an attack, that I couldn't believe he'd invite a convicted felon into our home and around Kiddo, and to leave me alone. He came up and knocked at the door and tried calling my cell but I didn't answer because I couldn't handle speaking to him right now. He IM'd me saying he got it, that I didn't want to see him or speak to him. I'm still not really sure what the tone of that was, but it was plain and simple the truth and I told him to leave me alone so I don't know what was going on there. Usually he gives me space when I need it so I don't know why he didn't last night.
I told him that I didn't feel safe and that I needed space and I probably should have stopped answering but I didn't, and we had a conversation where he told me that the conviction was 14 years ago and that he is a different person now and does so much good, etc etc. I told him that it doesn't matter to me, that I feel like he violated my consent by withholding that information, and that I don't even feel safe in my own home right now. That I couldn't believe that he thought it would be okay to have a convicted felon around Kiddo. He asked if I wanted him to kick the friend out and I said no, and told him that I'd be scared about issues if he did but that I did not want the friend around Kiddo in the morning- that I wanted him gone and this never to happen again.
I'm seriously questioning Henry's judgment at this point and I am feeling pretty horrible. I'm still feeling anxiety even though the friend was gone before I got up in the morning. Henry has been in the basement since I got up so we haven't spoken and I'm not really feeling like hashing this out. I feel violated. One of my friends asked me whether I was waiting for him to come to me to reassure me or something but that's not it at all; I don't really want him around me right now.
So, I'd really appreciate it, if you waded through this whole story, if you'd share your thoughts about this whole situation. Thanks in advance.
