Havoc in the brain

R

RedFire

New member
:(

Hello this is my first post. Just brand new here. I am torn. Seeking advise
Thank You in advance

Will try to be brief but this is complicated.

My partner and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 17 of the last 20 yrs. When he turned 40 he decided that he needed to be with others. After many months of tears heartache conversation we decided to stick it out and see with mutually agreed upon rules.

It has been almost three years now. Still up and down but really it is better or I am better with sharing him my biggest issue and what brings me here is that in the last year he has developed a BDSM DDLG relationship with a girl 20 yrs his junior. It was not started within our boundaries and rules. This is where I have a huge issue they consider them selves Poly. I do not and want nothing to do with her as she has done nothing but disrespect me challenge me undermine me.

It is huge and playing havoc in our everyday life and relationship. We have moved 2000 miles away from her she has visited once. She is coming again. I have voiced my concern regarding her attachment other than a sexual one. She causes problem's angers him and it comes back on me. I have said why are you mad at me cause she has upset you? There are feelings there she is young very young. She wants to move here he has told me she can come but dont expect anything other than once a week play date. Well that is not poly if you ask me. I am numb I cant seem to just let it go. I am considering leaving with our child can anyone shed some light on this for me.:(
 
Sorry to hear you are struggling. :(

It's hard to tell from your post what exactly gets you about their relationship. Is it because one or both of them have professed loving feelings for one another, and that this violates the boundaries you had established with him? Is it that this relationship started behind your back (cheating)? Is it that you personally dislike her/ feel she's too immature, or otherwise is someone you don't want as a metamour? Is it that you find their kink off-putting, or are worried about how their particular sexual connection changes your own dynamic? Or is it just that your husband is not very good at being the hinge, and is allowing their drama to seep into your life? Some combination of a bunch of these?

I think more specific information can help people give you better advice.
 
Wow you hit that one on the head. A bit of all really. The way it was started the way it has progressed. He did not and says he does not another family he has one. I guess my biggest question is can they be poly with me not involved i guess. I just dont understand really

Thank you I feel ignorant
 
Being poly does not mean you all have to be involved with one another, either sexually, or even as friends. Many people on this forum have multiple long term relationships with people who have very little, if anything, to do with one another. The only thing they have in common is a partner. So if you don't like this woman, there is no need for you to hang out with her. At the same time, if you don't want to interact with her it might have practical consequences. You might find your husband ends up spending less time with you, or eventually wants to take her to events that you might normally be invited to as well, as he cannot hang out with both of you at the same time. For some people, this is well worth it - they would prefer their partner maintain separate relationships rather than have a more inclusive model, particularly if there is drama to be had there. For others, they would prefer that their partner only date people they get along with so that there can be more of a balance. Both ways of doing it have their advantages and disadvantages. It really depends on how you both feel about it.

To be honest, it sounds like you need to talk to your husband a lot more about what he envisages for the future - both in the specific context with this woman, and in general for your open relationship. There is a whole lot of stuff in between 'we are monogamous' and 'I don't want another family/marriage-type relationship'. If you are already feeling uncomfortable now, think how much worse it could get in the future if she moves closer, or he meets another partner. Best to try to iron out any issues the pair of you have now before he is more invested in their relationship. For starters, it sounds like he needs to learn some skills in how to stop his bad moods from arguments he has with her from affecting your relationship.

And what do YOU want? Are you also interested in meeting new people? What are your hard limits? What can your husband do at his end to ensure you both get the kind of relationship and marriage that you want? And what are you prepared to compromise on? It might be that you can accept their kink if they do a better job at keeping it privately to themselves, or that you can learn to accept that this is a loving relationship rather than a purely sexual one if he is more present and able to give you reassurances that you are also still loved and cherished. That he brings some of the romance back to your relationship, rather than just wining and dining his girlfriend.

So, it sounds like you first need to think more about what each of your personal boundaries are, what you want to get out of this open model, and what your expectations are. If you are not wanting to open your relationship, and he is railroading you into accepting it, then you need to consider whether you are truly still compatible for one another. Don't tie yourself up into a pretzel trying to be something or someone you are not. You say you have been non-monogamous for three years, and that's basically been fine, but it definitely sounds like you guys have a lot more talking to do.
 
I am sorry you struggle with this. It does not sound fun. You have many layers going on there. :(

AGE

My spouse and I both agree that dating people who could be our children is "messy." Brain development isn't really done until around 25 -- so young adults, while able to consent to sex sometimes come with drama neither of us want to deal in.

I do not and want nothing to do with her as she has done nothing but disrespect me challenge me undermine me.
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Sounds like she's been a load of drama for you. How does this happen? He cannot go see her elsewhere? She has to come to the house? Is she wanting to rope him off for herself?

If this age/respect thing was not spelled out in your agreements -- you might want to revisit them with "Look, I want this in our agreements. No more NEW partners in that age bracket. No more disrespectful partners who do (list behaviors). Is that agreeable to you?"

I have a feeling this one will run its course if she's that annoying/dramatic.

Clarify your other messy people -- (ex: don't date my mother, my boss, the kid's teacher, etc.) There's enough people in the world to be with. Don't have to go seeking the messy ones!

"REAL" POLY

I have voiced my concern regarding her attachment other than a sexual one.
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That is her problem. He cannot control her feelings and any more than you can. Her emotional management is her job.

She wants to move here he has told me she can come but dont expect anything other than once a week play date. Well that is not poly if you ask me.
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Avoid evaluating their relationship. "Really poly? Not poly?" That's all their stuff. He sounds like he's been clear -- "Move if you want, but don't expect anything from me other than a weekly playdate."

Certainly don't foot the bill for her to move. Or move her into your home.

If she thinks they are poly and he thinks they are play partners - that is something for them to sort out. Not your job.

How is what she calls it affecting you? Could you clarify? What behavior does she do? He do?

OVERWHELMED FEELINGS

Deal with one thing at a time -- this pending visit first.

Seek to PREVENT any more new crazy coming in. She can visit. She doesn't have to stay in your home. Hello, hotel. He can playdate and hang out with her over there.

Next seek to REDUCE dealings with her at other times. She can email or call him direct. You don't have to be his secretary.

You do not have to like her.
You do not have to have any involvement with his play partner if you do not want. You do not have to be her lover or her friend.

All you need to do is be "bank teller and grocery clerk" level polite should you ever cross paths and exchange sex health info when needed.

SLOPPY HINGE

Are there poly hell things because he's getting obsessed with his kink/daddy dynamic?

Is he a "sloppy" hinge? Telling you too much about their relationship/their kink/their dates? Your relationship with him is now about (his relationship with her stuff) and he's just not PRESENT any more? He's forgotten how to relate with your NOT talking about the other side of the V?

He might want to share info, but that's what kink friends and kink groups are for.
YOU don't have to be listening to this stuff if you don't want to. There's NEED to know things that impact you like sex health. There's there's bonus details you may or may not want to know.

Does he ask if you want to know or just thrust unwanted data at you? Mr Blurt?

You might be glad he's happy, but you just don't care. You may need to set a boundary. I know it is not the same thing, but I just do not care to know all the ins and outs of model planes where my spouse could go ON and ON about those!

You could tell him to stop oversharing things like (give examples.) Tell his kink friends instead. If there's a problem, see a kink friendly counselor.

The only things you need and want to know are things like (give examples.) If he tries again, tell him to stop, he is oversharing TMI, and leave the room. You have to enforce your own boundaries.

She causes problem's angers him and it comes back on me.
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If he's acting out his anger toward her by dumping it on your head? Hand it back to him. "No. I do not accept this. You seem to be dumping your anger with her about ____ on to me. I suggest you work it out with her or a counselor and stop behaving this way around me. Do not act out at me. I am going to give you time and space" and leave the room. Enforce your boundaries.

ENDING IT

I am numb I cant seem to just let it go. I am considering leaving with our child can anyone shed some light on this for me
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What is "it?" That you think he loves her and he no longer loves you? Or that you have tried this open marriage thing for 3 years and that's enough try. You don't love it and want out?

Why did you open? To avoid breaking up? Is breaking up the best solution and you are more prepared now to deal with that?

Keep this in mind...

As much as you dislike her? The problem is NOT her.

The problem is HIM and how he handles himself. I would not love my spouse dumping his anger at my head.

The problem may also be that you and he are no longer compatible. Maybe how he handles himself isn't something you admire. How he behaves around you with that misplaced anger isn't something you appreciate. The kink he's into these days are things that actively turn you off. Ask yourself these things and evaluate them. Don't just go along with whatever from fear of breaking up. Sometimes breaking up is necessary.

If you are picking him out to be with and he's frankly a lousy partner and there's no hope in sight for him changing his behaviors? The best thing might be to leave. You could STOP picking him out.

I can imagine that it feels hard. I suggest you take a time out and think about what you most want. Figure out where you energy is best spent. In trying to work things out and encouraging him to improve his behaviors or just accept he isn't changing them and making the plan for you and child to leave.

If you need to talk to a poly/kink/open marriage friendly counselor -- seek one.

If you need a mediator/lawyer seek one.

Again, I am sorry you are dealing in this. It sounds like things are coming to a head for you and you have to address it though. :(

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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WOW great stuff all. Well first off their relationship was a secret to me for many months so that is huge. Also she calls me names and leaves her clothes little love notes for me to find all kinda of fun little manipulative things.

That has for the most part been dealt with him telling her she needs to respect me as the primary partner. She lives 2000 miles away but the 4 times a day contact needs from him takes away from our own fami8ly life. She is a child and needs his support from everything banking, school (college) to every single little thing imaginable. she even has a GSP locater on her every move. Yes the age and the way this all started was wrong and not within our guidelines. I posted here because I was curious about the Poly lifestyle.
He has had several FWB partners with no issues from them or myself this relationship has taken a turn too personal for me.

Yes am seriously considering leaving with our son I cannot live this way too much longer if we cannot find a reasonable medium. I deserve to be happy too at this point in my life. 20yrs is a long time so this is very difficult. Oh and I am forbidden to have any play partners male or female I am forbidden.
 
Oh FYI I am in the lifestyle also a submissive women to him. I enjoy that part very much.
If you done understand the terms DDLG is Dom Daddy Little Girl.(Her)
I am submissive not DDLG
 
Based on your last two posts, I don't blame you for considering leaving. I'd also add that yes, 20 years is a long time...but so is another year or two or twenty of being miserable. The difference is, one is in the past, the other is your future.
 
So he's taking time and emotional energy away from you to give to this other person, and he has "forbidden" you to find someone else to give you additional time and emotional energy?

Ugh. I get that you're submissive to him, but even with that, he's being grossly unfair in my opinion.
 
Believe me nothing would please me more than to find that special submissive play partner that both of us can enjoy. I would love to send him off with a huge hug and kiss have fun I will be here with open arms when you return. One that can give him what I cannot but it needs to be done in the proper way with respect full knowing of all information regarding OUR dynamic We do have threesomes together we have one female play friend she is wonderful but only available once a month she is NOT in the lifestyle.

 
Well first off their relationship was a secret to me for many months...
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Are you saying he cheated on his agreements with you? Is it a deal breaker to to you?

4 times a day contact needs from him takes away from our own fami8ly life. She is a child and needs his support from everything banking, school (college) to every single little thing imaginable. she even has a GSP locater on her every move.
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That sounds like a 24/7 deal and not like a weekly scene to me. This comes at who's bidding exactly? He wants this level of dom or she does? If he is saying she can only expect a weekly playdate if she moves -- something doesn't jive there.

Is he too "proud" to say anything if he's found he's gotten involved with a nut job and he needs help shooing her from his life? Like he doesn't want to lose face as the Dom?

It's hard to tell over over the internet what you have going on there.

But again... however much you dislike her and however she behaves? Your direct problem is with HIM because is the one picking her out and bringing her this close into your orbit and your family life.

You could think about a separation and live elsewhere with son. See if some distance brings clarity for either you or husband. Or if you are already at your limit of tolerance or past your limit? You could end it.

Galagirl
 
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Hi RedFire,

It sounds like you are quite unhappy with the current situation, to the point where you are thinking about leaving. I wonder, what would you need to see changed in order to still want to stay?

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
RedFire said:
Wow you hit that one on the head. A bit of all really. The way it was started the way it has progressed. He did not and says he does not another family he has one. I guess my biggest question is can they be poly with me not involved i guess. I just dont understand really

Thank you I feel ignorant
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Yes, of course. None of my partners are involved with each other. I am not involved in my metamour's lives other than as casual aquaintances. There is no need for you to be involved in your partners' relationships in order to consider it poly.
 
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