He can't seem to do this right... Am I unreasonable?
- Thread starter TeJoKo
- Start date
SourGirl
Member
In random order, while I cook supper:
- I`ll have to pass on your advice. If we don't connect the dots on people's various posts (who they are, why they think they way they do, what makes them tick) how in the heck do you give advice based on that particular person?
- As far as I know, PMs are geared towards private matters. Not one thing I said came from anything other then her public threads.
- Your post reads as sugarcoated to me, as mine reads harsh to you.
- Backing someone into a corner is what happens when unsolicited advice is given. She solicited the advice. Painting her as a victim is a bit much.
I never said don't connect the dots. I just think the way you connected them here was irrelevant. It's no different than if one day you're feeling down about a situation involving your loves, and you post for advice, and I respond, "Well, you're wrong, because you talked about being blunt the other day, and now you're all sad. Grow up!" Because to me, that's the gist of your initial reply.
SourGirl
Member
Ahh, Raze. Well, she has problems with women. Pretty much all women, I think? (I can't see the other threads right now.) She hasn't found one that matches with what she wants yet. She doesn't like/trust them.
Her men are dating women. Most of these issues of wanting the bf to cater to her insecurities is because of the woman-loathing.
Again, she asked if she was being unreasonable. I said she was.
Her men are dating women. Most of these issues of wanting the bf to cater to her insecurities is because of the woman-loathing.
Again, she asked if she was being unreasonable. I said she was.
redpepper
Active member
^like^
Superjast, I get your point. You think she is being controlling, and her women-hating is influencing her men's decisions and the manner in which they conduct their relationships. But I think she said she hated women out of being in a place of hurt and stuff that happened in her past with her mother, that led her to the place she is today. And it doesn't make her happy, I would guess. I can imagine that it has shaped a whole lot of dynamics in her life, as she has indicated.
Her reaching out to say such a thing was a cry for help, to me. I don't agree that taking it out on women and seemingly trying to control her men is the best bet to find happiness, but there was a frustration there that I think is well worth exploring, if she is willing, and in her own way. I heard her trying to explore it by admitting her hatred here. I, for one, am erring on the side of compassion, respect for her journey, and trying to encourage openness, rather than stifle it with sarcasm and harshness towards her, as she seems to be trying to get to the bottom of her issues.
Because she is female, I took this hatred thing to mean something other than if a man said it. To me, it is self-hate, not misogyny, which is hatred of women by men. Okay, there is no definition that says "by men," but I think that is widely accepted more often.
I'm sorry TeJoKo, I know I am talking about you as if you aren't here. I hope that you are managing to work something out.
Superjast, she never mentioned hatred of women here. On the contrary, she's encouraging him to continue the relationship. She just doesn't want him to forget about her in the process. I completely understand that, as I'm sure you would have as well, if this thread had been started by anyone else. But upon seeing it was her, you seem to have intended to reply by "putting her in her place." This is evident by you responding "good" when someone said you were harsh.
And I agree 100% with Redpepper.
And I agree 100% with Redpepper.
Everyone who has responded so far has said something potentially useful and relevant to the OP and I'm beginning to think that some of these posts should be moved to the "Forum Sociology and Interpersonal Dynamics" thread.
To answer the question you posed, in plain words: in this specific situation, you were unreasonable. I'm seeing a tendency to overthink jealousy as some complex base emotion, when it's really just fear. Fear makes a person CRAZY. Out-right bonkers, dude...
So you acted/are acting nuts (I'm a little concerned about the asking permission bit...) I deal with something like this too. While you say goodnight, my hubby and I shower. I get REALLY cranky if I can't see him nekkers with water all over.
So this is us time no matter what. Visitors are fun, but he and I do this (and a couple other things,) at least 2-3 times a week.
Sitting down with the bf and saying: "I know I'm being a nutter, but would you be able to [insert need here] every night/once a week (whatever's good)? It makes me feel sooo good when these things happen and sooo awful when they don't."
It's NOT un reasonable to make a list, mental or paper, of the things that another person does that makes you feel loved. It might help! Have him do one too. you might be surprised what cute lil thing you think nothing about doing for them makes them feel that you love them the best. Frankly, everyone needs to feel that they are the best, even if they know it's not just them.
I'm seeing a lot of people focusing on what makes them horrible to be around, but I've yet to see anyone saying look at what this person does to make you feel GOOD, then see how you can build on it.
I know you could probably teach ME a few things about relationships, seeing your bf has stuck around for 2 yrs. You have probably figured something like this out, but I wanted to toss it into the mix anyway.
So you acted/are acting nuts (I'm a little concerned about the asking permission bit...) I deal with something like this too. While you say goodnight, my hubby and I shower. I get REALLY cranky if I can't see him nekkers with water all over.
So this is us time no matter what. Visitors are fun, but he and I do this (and a couple other things,) at least 2-3 times a week.Sitting down with the bf and saying: "I know I'm being a nutter, but would you be able to [insert need here] every night/once a week (whatever's good)? It makes me feel sooo good when these things happen and sooo awful when they don't."
It's NOT un reasonable to make a list, mental or paper, of the things that another person does that makes you feel loved. It might help! Have him do one too.
you might be surprised what cute lil thing you think nothing about doing for them makes them feel that you love them the best. Frankly, everyone needs to feel that they are the best, even if they know it's not just them.I'm seeing a lot of people focusing on what makes them horrible to be around, but I've yet to see anyone saying look at what this person does to make you feel GOOD, then see how you can build on it.
I know you could probably teach ME a few things about relationships, seeing your bf has stuck around for 2 yrs. You have probably figured something like this out, but I wanted to toss it into the mix anyway.
SourGirl
Member
I agree with talking about her like she isn`t here, like parents fighting over what's right for their child, while the child is right there. Not good.
As for the rest, hate is hate, self-loathing or otherwise. It's destructive to both the person and the people around them. I can have compassion for why she feels the way she does, but not as a way to excuse it. I am grateful now that nobody excused my behaviour when I felt much of that same hatred and venom long ago.
As for her "controlling," no, not really my point. That's just a bit of crust on the bread.
If I didn`t feel she had potential to get past this, I wouldn't bother with the online kick in the ass. I don't feel much of a need to comment many times. I don't expect her to be happy or grateful for my remarks anytime soon. I know most of us that get that kick in the ass usually react angrily for awhile afterwards.
Raze, you are currently missing the point. I also object to your insinuations of why I say anything here. Try reading what is actually said, instead of inserting your own soap-opera fantasy. I already said why I think the words need to sting. You seem stuck on the hand-holding, and thinking I am pulling things out of context.
Let me try explaining this in a different way. What I see is people offering Band-Aid solutions to the symptom of a much bigger problem. Until that bigger problem is dealt with, this type of "problem" will happen over and over and over to her. It will keep bleeding. Every little misstep with the men in her life will cause her feelings of inadequacy to boil over.
You want to hand-hold every time? Go for it. She already has a husband and a bf who soothe her worries, but those worries are still there. It is soothing, but ultimately not life-altering, in the long run.
Okay, I am preparing for company, and will be away for many days after that. You will all need to practice throwing darts at my profile or something.
TeJoKo, this won't be fixed overnight, nor with coddling and hand holding. Please DO let yourself keep thinking and exploring. It`ll come with time.
TeJoKo
New member
It is myself I hate.
I appreciate those of you who have been so nice to me and given me support.
I didn't realize that crying was manipulative. If it means anything, I always try not to let anyone actually notice I am doing it.
I came here for support, so obviously these two men that comfort me aren't giving me everything I need. But I get the impression that there is at least one person that doesn't want me here. If that is the case, I can go.
I am sorry for expressing my opinions and feelings about controversial things. I will stop. I am also sorry for expressing emotions when I say I don't want them. But I seem kind of stuck with them, and bottling them up is not good.
Would it be "manipulative," Supererjast, to say that your comments were really hurtful? I was really hoping for a place I could express my feelings without being personally attacked for them.
I appreciate those of you who have been so nice to me and given me support.
I didn't realize that crying was manipulative. If it means anything, I always try not to let anyone actually notice I am doing it.
I came here for support, so obviously these two men that comfort me aren't giving me everything I need. But I get the impression that there is at least one person that doesn't want me here. If that is the case, I can go.
I am sorry for expressing my opinions and feelings about controversial things. I will stop. I am also sorry for expressing emotions when I say I don't want them. But I seem kind of stuck with them, and bottling them up is not good.
Would it be "manipulative," Supererjast, to say that your comments were really hurtful? I was really hoping for a place I could express my feelings without being personally attacked for them.
redpepper
Active member
You're good with me TeJoKo. If you want to DM me, I'd be up for that, although I find getting everyone's opinion more helpful, whether I agree with it or not. Still, I certainly understand feeling threatened and not wanting to debate how I feel. You need to feel safe, so make sure you are doing that.
This is another example of the "female drama" you say you and your boyfriend don't like. Superjast does not get to decide who stays and who goes. Even the moderators don't make a decision like that unless someone is going around picking fights with people, and then there is a system in place to deal with that sort of thing.
It's not "manipulative" to say that. SJ did not do anything against the forum guidelines, and neither did you.
If you want a place to express your feelings without necessarily soliciting feedback, that is what Life Stories and Blogs is for. You might want to start a thread to use as a sounding-board there. Typically, when threads are in New to Poly or General Discussions, they are open to generating heated debate.
The moderators are discussing how to make this more clear in the Forum Usage Guidelines because this is not the only time there has been a fallout like this.
Having said that, please continue to be aware that when you post on the internet, there is only a certain amount of control one can expect from forum staff when it comes to the responses from other users. However, if SJ had made a post like that in LS&B, you would be within established caveat to request that it be hidden or relocated.
TeJoKo
New member
Is it female drama? If so, it is brought on by my depression, which has been kind of unmanageable lately. I am already on the highest dose of a medication that has worked for me for the past 6 years.
I was hoping for feedback, but supportive feedback, not such harsh feedback. I want a place to come and not further my depressive feelings.
I feel like what I have already expressed on this site is too much.
Would my horrible female tendencies be more acceptable if I said I liked these traits in myself?
It would certainly sound less hypocritical if you had not placed so much emphasis on how you dislike it when other women do it. It's not particularly "female drama", it's just "drama". I'm pointing it out because like I just said, you described it as something other people do that you can't stand. If you hadn't done so, I probably wouldn't have been so quick to notice it.
Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the effectiveness of your medication. I'm only saying that, too, because you brought it up first. It really makes no difference to me personally.
TeJoKo
New member
As I said before, people often dislike in people what they dislike in themselves. I am no exception.
SNeacail
New member
It can be. I never think so at the time either, but looking back, sometimes it is just a means to get my way, or make myself appear the wounded party. Other times, it is just honest emotions.
Just because someone doesn't agree with your view of things and is blunt about it doesn't mean you aren't welcome. Personally, I didn't see anyone ask you to leave, so I'm confused.
That does strike me as a manipulative comment, even if it was a gut reaction to being hurt.
We can learn a lot about ourselves and how we come across to others if we don't let the negative comments run us off. Yeah, they sting, but can actually be very helpful, once you get to a calmer place and can look back with a little more objectivity. I have had things dumped on me that hurt and I didn't want to believe about myself, mostly because it sounded so ridiculous and illogical to behave in such a way. When I was able to look at it further, I was really embarrassed. I still have to try hard to keep from repeating it.
Controversial topics will almost always generate controversial opinions.
TeJoKo
New member
Sorry for being manipulative. Perhaps emotions in general are just manipulative.
I regret posting what I have here. I honestly feel I should have kept my controversial opinions to myself. I am embarrassed, and I wish to take it all back. If I hadn't posted it, I wouldn't be getting hurtful comments now.