He can't seem to do this right... Am I unreasonable?

I am sorry for my negative comments and for being overly emotional. I have been depressed lately, and it is coming out in all sorts of negative ways. That doesn't excuse it, but I hope it helps explain it at least. I am usually a happy person. I have just been very off lately.
 
TeJoKo, having been dealing with my own depression and self image lately, I completely understand where your previous comments came from, which is why I spoke up. I see nothing manipulative about crying privately in your bed. In the other hand, I do see something very manipulative about someone who would use someone's comments (who already admitted to feeling the same way about themselves) against them in an unrelated thread.

I've never been one to support bullying, even if it's done with good intentions.
 
Superjast said:
I agree with talking about her like she isn`t here, like parents fighting over what's right for their child, while the child is right there.


As for the rest, hate is hate, self-loathing or otherwise. It`s destructive to both the person and the people around them. I can have compassion for why she feels the way she does, but not as a way to excuse it. I am grateful now, that nobody excused my behaviour when I felt much of that same hatred and venom long ago.

As for her "controlling," no, not really my point. That's just a bit of crust on the bread.

If I didn`t feel she had potential to get past this, I wouldn't bother with the online kick in the ass. I don`t feel much of a need to comment many times. I also don`t expect her to be happy or grateful for my remarks anytime soon. I know most of us that get that kick in the ass usually react angrily for awhile afterwards.


Raze, you are currently missing the point. I also object to your insinuations of why I say anything here. Try reading what is actually said, instead of inserting your own soap-opera fantasy. I already said why I think the words need to sting. You seem stuck on the hand-holding, and thinking I am pulling things out of context.

Let me try explaining this in a different way. What I see is people offering Band-Aid solutions to the symptom of a much bigger problem. Until that bigger problem is dealt with, this type of "problem" will happen over and over and over to her. It will keep bleeding.

Every little misstep with the men in her life will cause her feelings of inadequacy to boil over.

You want to hand-hold every time? Go for it. She already has a husband and a bf who soothe her worries, but those worries are still there.

It is soothing, but ultimately not life-altering, in the long run.

TeJoKo, this won`t be fixed overnight, nor with coddling and hand holding. Please DO let yourself keep thinking and exploring. It'll come with time.
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TOTAL AGREEMENT! Sometimes a dose of salt is what the wound needs and coddling is THE worst methodology. Yes, there is need for support and nurturing, but really bad behavior needs more than a hug to get to the root and eradicate the problem.

Superjast, I have never observed you to be overly harsh in your advice/posts. If someone asks for an honest opinion about what is observed, that doesn't mean diplomatically remove all evidence of the "truth-seeker's" wrong-doing in some politically-correct pursuit of dealing with an issue. We need to know when we are making mistakes that are obvious. Sometimes an hysterical screaming person needs a wakeup slap to the forehead to snap out of it. There is an elephant in the room. Why pretend it isn't there, or call it something else?!

Redpepper is right in that being vulnerable to your feelings is good. Dwelling on the negative for very long is destructive. Seeking advice is good, being overly sensitive about constructive commentary is bad. Superjast has no ulterior motive or agenda here. Don't take it as such.

SNeacail makes a good point: having a different opinion doesn't mean people want you to leave the forum. No one asked that. Just be really honest so that you get the best advice possible, because we only know what you post, and do not take constructive criticism as negative. While the warm and fuzzy stuff is nice on here, I have only ever learned from the ones that kicked my ass and called me on the carpet for my behavior. Still learning those lessons!

TeJoKo, keep posting. Keep learning. Keep focused on improving yourself and your life.
 
I would suggest that in thinking you are not wanted here, and that we want you to leave, that you are projecting your feelings about your relationship with your boyfriend. Something to think about, maybe?

I have been hurt several times on this forum by the tone that people take when they post about their frustration with me, and that I don't get something. I totally understand both sides of that, as I have been frustrated also.

Don't take it to heart, if you can, TeJoKo. I know it's hard, but try and get what you can from what people say, and realize that if they are frustrated, that is their thing, not yours. You have bigger fish to fry, anyway. You have stuff to work on! Dwell on that, my dear. :)
 
I'm not knowledgeable on this topic, but I do believe everyone needs a safe place to be coddled. Feel free to PM me for all the coddling you need.:)
 
Morningglory629 said:
TOTAL AGREEMENT! Sometimes a dose of salt is what the wound needs and coddling is THE worst methodology. Yes there is need for support and nurture but really bad behavior needs more than a hug to get to the root and eradicate the problem. SJ I have never observed you to be overly harsh in your advice/posts. If someone asks for an honest opinion about what is observed that doesn't mean diplomatically remove all evidence of the "truth seekers" wrong-doing in some politically correct pursuit of dealing with an issue. We need to know when we are making mistakes that are so obvious- sometimes an hysterical screaming person needs a wakeup slap to the forehead to snap out of it. There is an elephant in the room...why pretend it isn't there or call it something else?!

RP is right in that being vulnerable to your feelings is good. Dwelling on the negative for very long is destructive. Seeking advice is good, being overly sensitive about constructive commentary is bad. SJ has no ulterior motive or agenda here. Don't take it as such.

SNeacail makes a good point: having a differing opinion doesn't mean people want you to leave the forum. No one asked that. Just be really honest so that you get the best advice possible because we only know what you post, and do not take constructive criticism as negative. While the warm and fuzzy stuff is nice on here...I have only ever learned from the ones that kicked my ass and called me on the carpet for my behavior. Still learning those lessons!

TeJoKo, keep posting. Keep learning. Keep focused on improving yourself and your life.
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Bringing up shit I posted on a totally different topic just seemed to be done for the purpose of rubbing it in my face. Telling me that my emotions are manipulative! Being told that I should just be happy that he used to care about me? WTF!? Did she think this was actually going to help me in any way?

That harshness threw fuel on the fire that caused three days of severe depression. Salt was not what I fucking need. I get enough of that at home. Anyone who had actually READ my other posts should have known that.

Salt may clean wounds, but it hurts like a bitch, and too much can damage tissue and delay healing.
 
TeJoKo said:
Bringing up shit I posted on a totally different topic just seemed to be done for the purpose of rubbing it in my face. Telling me that my emotions are manipulative!
Being told that I should just be happy that he used to care about me? WTF!? Did she think this was actually going to help me in any way?

That harshness threw fuel on the fire that caused three days of severe depression. Salt was not what I fucking need. I get enough of that at home. Anyone who had actually READ my other posts should have known that. Salt may clean wounds, but it hurts like a bitch, and too much can damage tissue and delay healing.
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I am torn. If you were not dealing with mental health issues, I would say you needed the salt.

Having dealt with severe anxiety/depression, I understand where you are coming from. You are already salting yourself at every turn.

I would urge you to read your OP when you are feeling better. (I know, this could be days, weeks, months, depending on where you are.) Chances are you'll be able to answer your own question at that time.

My true advice? Post in Blogs section when you're depressed. You will get positive feedback when you need it most, and gentle answers for times when you could've handled a situation better. When you're ready for hard introspection, post more in the other sections.

I can assure you that no one here means to attack you. It certainly sounds that way, especially when you're in a dark place, but the approach I have found most helpful is "assume they are trying to help." ESPECIALLY when the "offending" poster comes back and clarifies their intentions. I found Superjast's post insightful, but I can appreciate how hurtful they must seem to you.

I too came from a place of woman-hating. I am coming out the other side. I am coming out the other side of my depression (which has lasted my entire life; I've been on every medication under the sun, except MAOIs). The anxiety, I'm afraid, will always be there. I feel judged very easily.

Please feel free to DM me.
 
TeJoKo said:
Would it be "manipulative: to say that your comments were really hurtful? I was really hoping for a place I could express my feelings without being personally attacked for them.
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Sometimes people will give you the answers you ask for, or need. They aren't aways the same as the ones you might want.

TeJoKo said:
I was hoping for feedback, but supportive feedback, not such harsh feedback. I want a place to come and not further my depressive feelings.
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Life Stories and Blogs-- less debate, more support.

TeJoKo said:
Bringing up shit I posted on a totally different topic just seemed to be done for the purpose of rubbing it in my face.
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Sometimes problems cannot be solved in isolation, when there are other issues that factor into it. You have a lot of stuff going on, which people are being generous enough to try and help you out with.

TeJoKo said:
That harshness threw fuel on the fire that caused three days of severe depression. Salt was not what I fucking need. I get enough of that at home. Anyone who had actually READ my other posts should have known that.
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If you get more than you bargained for in the discussion type areas-- it happens. You don’t need to love everyone, or everything they try to do. You don’t need to follow anyone’s advice. But you could at least acknowledge that they’re trying to help, and let them know what isn’t working for you. You might notice that Superjast hasn’t replied to any of this since you mentioned how you felt.

As for your reaction to all of it, own it, or not, but no one can do it for you.

Raze:
RazeGeneration said:
I see nothing manipulative about crying privately in your bed. On the other hand, I do see something very manipulative about someone who would use someone's comments (who already admitted to feeling the same way about themselves) against them in an unrelated thread. I've just never been one to support bullying, even when it's done with good intentions.
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Superjast, I just answered a question, straight up. The only thing that would label her response as "harsh" is that she used the words herself.
If you disagree with her method, so be it. You've made your opinion known. The point does not need to be continuously belabored.


Let's review...
NeonKaos said:
It's not "manipulative" to say that. Superjast did not do anything against the forum guidelines, and neither did you.

If you want a place to express your feelings without necessarily soliciting feedback, that is what Life Stories and Blogs is for. You might want to start a thread to use as a sounding-board there. Typically, when threads are in New to Poly or General Discussions, they are open to generating heated debate.
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and...
Morningglory629 said:
Redpepper is right, being vulnerable to your feelings is good. Dwelling on the negative for very long is destructive. Seeking advice is good, being overly sensitive about constructive commentary is bad. Superjast has no ulterior motive or agenda here. Don't take it as such.
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The road to hell is paved with what?
 
Okay. I should be posting in the Blogs. But at this point I feel very self-conscious about sharing anything emotionally personal.
 
ImaginaryIllusion, I understand your point, and to an extent understand what SJ intended, but in all honesty I don't see any evidence that she has been unreasonable in THIS situation.

It just seemed to me that women were offended by her statements and her opinions of women being catty, etc., and to show how wrong she was about THAT, decided to pour salt in her open wounds. Yeah, I won't beat the dead horse any longer.

You're right, the road to hell is definitely paved with good intentions. :rolleyes:
 
I hope you do share. You've got things that will help others who are currently here and those who will be here in the future.
 
I agree with Mono.
 
Imaginary, SJ has a guest right now and said she wouldn't be around. I think that is more why she is absent than not wanting to participate anymore.

TeJoKo, a blog might be an idea. You could quote yourself over there so as to not repeat or start afresh. Writing there will mean more listening than getting opinions, though, just so you know.
 
TeJoKo, I am sorry that you have been going through this. I have often been criticized for my posts on here, even in my own blog. While I do believe that SJ and everyone else responded to your post with the honest intent of giving you advice, to answer your question, to show you support. You should never be made to feel that you don't belong on here.

I left for two months for that exact reason. Some people think that pouring salt on a wound is helpful, and that might be the case for some. It is not, however, the case for all people, especially for people like you and I, who do suffer from depression. Not sure if people were aware of that beforehand. But regardless, I understand where the hurt came from. I truly do not feel that most people on here respond with the intent to hurt, but because of the varying degrees of personalities, experiences and points of view, it does happen.

Some people, like me, let emotions take over reason. Others can push emotions aside and deal with reason and reality. We all handle things differently and there is no one right way. We are all individuals who are here to seek advice, support and opinions. Some things we hear are going to hurt, but in the long run might be what we need to hear. Some opinions you need to take with a grain of salt and move on.

Please don't leave. You can and will find support on here. I agree with the others that Life Stories and Blogs would be a good place for you.

I'm with Mono. Feel free to PM me if you need to. We are in different circumstances poly-wise, but I do understand depression, anxiety and sensitive emotions.

Hang in there. You're not alone. You are wanted on the boards. Take care.
 
KatTails said:
TeJoKo - I am sorry that you have been going through this. I have often been criticized for my posts on here - even in my own blog. While I do believe that SJ and everyone else responded to your post with the honest intent of giving you advice, to answer your question, to show you support - you should never be made to feel that you don't belong on here. I left for two months for that exact reason. Some people think that pouring salt on a wound is helpful - and that might be the case for some. It is not, however, the case for all people - especially for people like you and myself who do suffer from depression. Not sure if people were aware of that beforehand - but regardless - I understand where the hurt came from. I truly do not feel that most people that are on here respond with the intent to hurt - but because of the varying degrees of personalities, experiences and points of view - it does happen.

Some people, like me, let emotions take over reason. Others can push emotions aside and deal with reason and reality. We all handle things differently and there is no one right way. We are all individuals who are here to seek advice, support and opinions. Some things we hear are going to hurt - but in the long run - they may be what we need to hear. Some opinions you need to take with a grain of salt and move on.

Please don't leave - you can and will find support on here. I agree with the others that Life Stories and Blogs would be a good place for you.

I'm with Mono - feel free to PM me if you need to. We are in different circumstances poly-wise - but I do understand depression, anxiety and sensitive emotions.

Hang in there - you're not alone and you are wanted on the boards!

Take care - Kat
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Thank you. :)
 
Actually Redpepper, I don't care to participate in this thread anymore, simply for the reasons of the mental health issues/depression. As I read, I find myself more convinced of things I said in my original post, not less. I am not interested in offering insight, eye-opening, or valuable experience, when there are professionals better equipped to deal with such issues. I am also not interested in "feeding the monster," as I call it. Other people might call it blowing sunshine up someone's ass. Whatever.

TeJoKo, it seems you have the network of support you seek, and I truly wish you well. Prove people like me wrong, and make me look like a idiot. I would be happy to see you healthy and happy. Be well.

Now back to my fabulous guests. :D
 
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