He flirted with me in front of his girlfriend. Does that mean they're poly?

A

Alicepalace

New member
I want to preface by saying I've been poly since 1986, but I have never been socially smooth, so I can't tell if I'm missing something. I met a couple over the weekend at an event. The woman was very impressive, and the guy was looking at me like I was a miracle aglow. It felt like they were poly, but I might have been making it up. I know lots of monogamous guys cheat, but wouldn't he be a little more hesitant in his admiration if it was not allowed and she was right there in the conversation? I didn't exchange any contact info with them, but a mutual friend invited them to another event next week, and I told them I would be there. What do people do in this situation? Just ask?
 
Alicepalace said:
What do people do in this situation? Just ask?
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Hello, Alicepalace. You could ask. You could also hang around with them and gather more information based on behavioral observation and intuition. You could try flirting with one or both of them and seeing how they react.
 
They could be poly, they could be swingers, or they could just be flirty. It's kinda like when you're gay and you get attracted to someone and aren't sure if they'd return the feelings. I agree, observation and asking questions is the way to go. You know, in poly, clear communication is paramount. Be upfront.
 
I definitely don't want to flirt with them without more information -- I don't know if he's available, and I don't know if she's into women. I'll have to see if they come to something else. They live in a much more interesting place than I do, so it's not that likely that they'll come back.
 
Alicepalace said:
I definitely don't want to flirt with them without more information -- I don't know if he's available, and I don't know if she's into women. I'll have to see if they come to something else. They live in a much more interesting place than I do, so it's not that likely that they'll come back.
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What do you want? I thought you were just interested in the guy. Are you actually looking to date both of them? Have you dated couples before?

Most poly people date others as individuals. Polyamory does not equal group sex. Dating an established couple is HARD. You can search the term triad here to see more about all the issues people run into.
 
Hello Alicepalace,

Yeah, just ask. Something like, "Do you guys know about polyamory?" and carry on the conversation from there. It sounds hopeful that they're polyamorous, but be prepared in case they're not. It sounds like he was kind of making eyes at you, as flirting goes that's not too overt, but who knows.

Note that polyamory doesn't require you to fall in love with both the man and the woman. Although it does sound like you're interested in both of them. Anyway it sounds like it's unlikely that you'll see them again, but at least you'll know what to do if there's a next time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I have dated couples before, yes.

It was the guy who showed interest in me, but I actually found the woman more interesting myself.

The vibe I got from his attention was inclusive, but I have misread these things before. I also suspect I have missed opportunities before too.

My question was not about the basics of poly and how it works -- I'm pretty versed in that -- but specifically about how much to trust the hints I'm picking up on and how to get clear information without being inappropriate.
 
Alicepalace said:
I have dated couples before, yes.

It was the guy who showed interest in me, but I actually found the woman more interesting myself.

The vibe I got from his attention was inclusive, but I have misread these things before. I also suspect I have missed opportunities before too.

My question was not about the basics of poly and how it works -- I'm pretty versed in that -- but specifically about how much to trust the hints I'm picking up on and how to get clear information without being inappropriate.
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Yes, I was just confused when you mentioned your interest in the woman.

So you didn't actually talk to this guy. He was just giving you certain looks. It seems to me the best thing to do is talk to him and before things get too hot and heavy, ask about his status, and about his gf standing nearby not minding his flirting. There's nothing inappropriate about asking questions in a polite way. Just be prepared for the worst (rejection).
 
Okay, I might be an outsider voice here, but I'm a serial-flirt and I've turned my social awkwardness from childhood into something I believe is now pretty charming.

So different tack: first, what was the event? Second, if you see them again and you decide they are cool and likeable and you'd still be chill getting to know them better, even if they AREN'T even at all a little bit poly, you might want to be a little more smooth about getting to the bottom of this info.

I mean, I don't know about you, but my in my experience with straight-vanilla folk, anything non-vanilla has the potential to be awkward at best, and social suicide at the other peak. Like, maybe they won't run for their lives. And maybe if they do, it would be making the inevitable happen sooner.

But also maybe they are super-cool fun chill peeps you could absolutely drink and play cards with and never even discuss relationships or polyamory or your sex life at all, and have a completely great friendship/relationship. And maybe sex is on the table. I'm a firm believer that there's never really a need to rush.

AAAAAANNNNNDDD take all of that with a grain of salt, because if I were in a similar position and was even at all a little bit tipsy, I'd probably straight put my foot in my mouth, and maybe regret it, or maybe not. Haha.

I was at an app launch party years ago, YEARS, before my marriage was open, but discussions had been part of our relationship for sure by that point. Anywho, I met a cute guy at the app launch party. It was an app for board game meetups, so the whole thing was centered around food and drinks and PLAYING GAMES TOGETHER. (Sidenote: it didn't take off at all, the app, I mean. Kind of a bummer, it was fun.) And this guy was SO FLIRTY with me. I made jokes about the frat he must have been in in college (and wasn't wrong). I made jokes about every college box I could put him in, in fact, because the vibe that night was so college-y and I was into it, and he was FLIRTING.

I made a joke about swinging. He was cool and it didn't land weird at all, but wasn't really picked up. Days later we connect on FB and it turns out his aunt is my neighbor, he's a BIG TIME church guy and is well known throughout our small town as a semi-super Christian. SUPER monogamous, obviously. Kind of an evangelist, if I'm being even more honest. And also runs a non-profit for networking college kids and helping them get jobs.

His entire personality was "flirty" for Jesus and his job. He wasn't, in fact, into me, even a little bit.

I was maybe a tiny bit horrified. The end.
 
Ohh, culty "flirty fishing." Ugh.
 
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