Hello All!
After lurking for about a month, I’m finally ready to ask for some opinions on my dilemma!
I’m (38F) married to J (47M). We are on our 2nd marriage and have a blended family of 5 school-aged kids, plus a dog. We’ve been together for 2 years. I’m his owned, collared submissive and our life together is Amazing!!!
Before we married, we talked about so many things: wild, exciting conversations about trips, vacations, threesomes, maybe swinging, sex in public, etc. One issue was polyamory. J has been in non-monogamous relationships his entire life, even when previously married. We had great discussions about possibilities, but then just you know, focused on each other. We have both been monogamous since we met each other.
So about 2 months ago, J brings up non-monogamy, polyamory, etc. He wants to open our marriage. We have spent weeks and weeks discussing different emotions, boundaries, ideas, etc. Here’s the current status: I’m a hetero-flexible woman. He is a heterosexual male. He wants to find a woman for a triad for us, we now know it would be a unicorn. His vision is that we both fall in love and have sex and a LONG term relationship with this woman.
After weeks, like I said, basically of doing research, reading books, blogs, watching Youtube videos, I’m 100% adamant that I do NOT want to open our relationship. I want J. Only him. He is 100% sure he wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship. I know enough now to know it’s not that I’m not enough, and he is super reassuring about that, but he said... Ok – here are the analogies he keeps using. “You know if you eat a really great steak? And you eat it every day and you are so happy? Why not add a loaded baked potato to it also? You still LOVE the steak, but it’s just extra to have the great potato too!” Or “He likes to drive places. On the way home, he drives back a different way. He just likes a little variety”.
He says our romance is great, sex life is amazing, we have 5 kids, we both have health issues, I am NOT supportive of this. He refuses to give up his dream, especially since he thinks he can find the perfect woman for us. But he says he is not “missing anything”, he just wants extra. Isn’t that selfish – if he isn’t lacking in anything?
I am just so sad about this. I get that we have a difference in relationship views and either he doesn’t do this or I agree and try to change my emotional response. The idea of him falling in love with someone else, fucking someone else, UGH. Now I’m not a prude – we have sex all the time, have plans for a future threesome. But there’s a big difference between that and basically changing our entire lives. I do NOT want someone else moving in, I don’t want to have to worry about bedrooms, sharing him at night, how to explain to the kids, what about retirement funds? Health insurance? This will change our monthly budget. Plus, what free time does J really have? Very little!
I have serious anxiety and depression issues, for which I’m medicated and in therapy, and have been for a long time. This has thrown me into turmoil. J has been super loving, attentive, he swears he will not change that. Our communication has improved 100%, but I’m a little pissed off and hurt that even with me being so against this for months, he is still gung ho. Why is it that we either have to break up, he shelves the idea, or I change my opinion? Of course I don't want to break up, especially since I've been divorced once and I'm not about to throw the kids for another loop, plus I love him so much. He says I can date/have sex/fall in love with whomever else I want.
That's another issue. He says he is protective of me. "Protective is not possessive". He has no qualms with me having sex with other people, as long as I'm safe and respected. I have the "wrong" opinion though, that he should want me to not sleep around like a slut. I don't want to share our intimacy, our love, anything. He thinks it's no big deal, cause he knows we love each other. I'm just heartbroken and would love advice. Thank you.
After lurking for about a month, I’m finally ready to ask for some opinions on my dilemma!
I’m (38F) married to J (47M). We are on our 2nd marriage and have a blended family of 5 school-aged kids, plus a dog. We’ve been together for 2 years. I’m his owned, collared submissive and our life together is Amazing!!!
Before we married, we talked about so many things: wild, exciting conversations about trips, vacations, threesomes, maybe swinging, sex in public, etc. One issue was polyamory. J has been in non-monogamous relationships his entire life, even when previously married. We had great discussions about possibilities, but then just you know, focused on each other. We have both been monogamous since we met each other.
So about 2 months ago, J brings up non-monogamy, polyamory, etc. He wants to open our marriage. We have spent weeks and weeks discussing different emotions, boundaries, ideas, etc. Here’s the current status: I’m a hetero-flexible woman. He is a heterosexual male. He wants to find a woman for a triad for us, we now know it would be a unicorn. His vision is that we both fall in love and have sex and a LONG term relationship with this woman.
After weeks, like I said, basically of doing research, reading books, blogs, watching Youtube videos, I’m 100% adamant that I do NOT want to open our relationship. I want J. Only him. He is 100% sure he wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship. I know enough now to know it’s not that I’m not enough, and he is super reassuring about that, but he said... Ok – here are the analogies he keeps using. “You know if you eat a really great steak? And you eat it every day and you are so happy? Why not add a loaded baked potato to it also? You still LOVE the steak, but it’s just extra to have the great potato too!” Or “He likes to drive places. On the way home, he drives back a different way. He just likes a little variety”.
He says our romance is great, sex life is amazing, we have 5 kids, we both have health issues, I am NOT supportive of this. He refuses to give up his dream, especially since he thinks he can find the perfect woman for us. But he says he is not “missing anything”, he just wants extra. Isn’t that selfish – if he isn’t lacking in anything?
I am just so sad about this. I get that we have a difference in relationship views and either he doesn’t do this or I agree and try to change my emotional response. The idea of him falling in love with someone else, fucking someone else, UGH. Now I’m not a prude – we have sex all the time, have plans for a future threesome. But there’s a big difference between that and basically changing our entire lives. I do NOT want someone else moving in, I don’t want to have to worry about bedrooms, sharing him at night, how to explain to the kids, what about retirement funds? Health insurance? This will change our monthly budget. Plus, what free time does J really have? Very little!
I have serious anxiety and depression issues, for which I’m medicated and in therapy, and have been for a long time. This has thrown me into turmoil. J has been super loving, attentive, he swears he will not change that. Our communication has improved 100%, but I’m a little pissed off and hurt that even with me being so against this for months, he is still gung ho. Why is it that we either have to break up, he shelves the idea, or I change my opinion? Of course I don't want to break up, especially since I've been divorced once and I'm not about to throw the kids for another loop, plus I love him so much. He says I can date/have sex/fall in love with whomever else I want.
That's another issue. He says he is protective of me. "Protective is not possessive". He has no qualms with me having sex with other people, as long as I'm safe and respected. I have the "wrong" opinion though, that he should want me to not sleep around like a slut. I don't want to share our intimacy, our love, anything. He thinks it's no big deal, cause he knows we love each other. I'm just heartbroken and would love advice. Thank you.