He just wants extra

eak88488

New member
Hello All!

After lurking for about a month, I’m finally ready to ask for some opinions on my dilemma!

I’m (38F) married to J (47M). We are on our 2nd marriage and have a blended family of 5 school-aged kids, plus a dog. We’ve been together for 2 years. I’m his owned, collared submissive and our life together is Amazing!!!

Before we married, we talked about so many things: wild, exciting conversations about trips, vacations, threesomes, maybe swinging, sex in public, etc. One issue was polyamory. J has been in non-monogamous relationships his entire life, even when previously married. We had great discussions about possibilities, but then just you know, focused on each other. We have both been monogamous since we met each other.

So about 2 months ago, J brings up non-monogamy, polyamory, etc. He wants to open our marriage. We have spent weeks and weeks discussing different emotions, boundaries, ideas, etc. Here’s the current status: I’m a hetero-flexible woman. He is a heterosexual male. He wants to find a woman for a triad for us, we now know it would be a unicorn. His vision is that we both fall in love and have sex and a LONG term relationship with this woman.

After weeks, like I said, basically of doing research, reading books, blogs, watching Youtube videos, I’m 100% adamant that I do NOT want to open our relationship. I want J. Only him. He is 100% sure he wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship. I know enough now to know it’s not that I’m not enough, and he is super reassuring about that, but he said... Ok – here are the analogies he keeps using. “You know if you eat a really great steak? And you eat it every day and you are so happy? Why not add a loaded baked potato to it also? You still LOVE the steak, but it’s just extra to have the great potato too!” Or “He likes to drive places. On the way home, he drives back a different way. He just likes a little variety”.

He says our romance is great, sex life is amazing, we have 5 kids, we both have health issues, I am NOT supportive of this. He refuses to give up his dream, especially since he thinks he can find the perfect woman for us. But he says he is not “missing anything”, he just wants extra. Isn’t that selfish – if he isn’t lacking in anything?

I am just so sad about this. I get that we have a difference in relationship views and either he doesn’t do this or I agree and try to change my emotional response. The idea of him falling in love with someone else, fucking someone else, UGH. Now I’m not a prude – we have sex all the time, have plans for a future threesome. But there’s a big difference between that and basically changing our entire lives. I do NOT want someone else moving in, I don’t want to have to worry about bedrooms, sharing him at night, how to explain to the kids, what about retirement funds? Health insurance? This will change our monthly budget. Plus, what free time does J really have? Very little!

I have serious anxiety and depression issues, for which I’m medicated and in therapy, and have been for a long time. This has thrown me into turmoil. J has been super loving, attentive, he swears he will not change that. Our communication has improved 100%, but I’m a little pissed off and hurt that even with me being so against this for months, he is still gung ho. Why is it that we either have to break up, he shelves the idea, or I change my opinion? Of course I don't want to break up, especially since I've been divorced once and I'm not about to throw the kids for another loop, plus I love him so much. He says I can date/have sex/fall in love with whomever else I want.

That's another issue. He says he is protective of me. "Protective is not possessive". He has no qualms with me having sex with other people, as long as I'm safe and respected. I have the "wrong" opinion though, that he should want me to not sleep around like a slut. I don't want to share our intimacy, our love, anything. He thinks it's no big deal, cause he knows we love each other. I'm just heartbroken and would love advice. Thank you.
 
I'm so sorry you are struggling. This is not a fun place to be at. :(

Before we married, we talked about so many things: wild, exciting conversations about trips, vacations, threesomes, maybe swinging, sex in public, etc. One issue was polyamory. J has been in non-monogamous relationships his entire life, even when previously married. We had great discussions about possibilities, but then just you know, focused on each other. We have both been monogamous since we met each other

No, you have not. You have been (exclusive and only dating each other). I'm not hearing where he agreed to be monogamous. You knew going in that he'd been in non-mongamous relationships his entire life. Why would he suddenly change?

Shelving an issue doesn't mean it's talked about and solved. It's just been postponed.

But he says he is not “missing anything”, he just wants extra. Isn’t that selfish – if he isn’t lacking in anything?

I think he could be more clear. It sounds like he loves you and is not missing anything from the (you+him) relationship. But he IS missing being Open, and he misses having more than 1 partner. It is a Limit of the Universe. You cannot magically be two people.

I think maybe you each assumed you were on the same page without actually saying what page that was out loud. Now you find...

I’m 100% adamant that I do NOT want to open our relationship. I want J. Only him.

He is 100% sure he wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship.

This is polar opposites. Not any room to compromise. I don't know why he's fixating on a triad -- one of the HARDEST models -- rather than him just date separately like a V.

Would you be ok if he let the triad thing go? And it was a V instead? So you share love only with him and don't have to take up with this fantasy woman? Or is him sharing love with another partner a total deal breaker to you? You don't want to participate in a very separate non-cohabitating V? (Which is ok if you don't... but you MUST be super clear.)

I also think you guys could have talked this out BEFORE getting married. It's ok to focus on just each other for a while. But it would have been better to sort things out ahead of time what kind of Open Model it would be before actually getting married. And agree that it would be Open after X date past the honeymoon.

To me it sounds like you are monoamorous (want 1 sweetie to share love with) and polysexual (want more than 1 partner to share sex with. Not necessarily group sex, just more than 1 partner.) You thought you were going into a monoamorous marriage that would sometimes have recreational sex with other people like "adventure." Not sharing love, just recreational sex.

It sounds like he is polyamorous (wants more than 1 sweetie to share love with) and polysexual. (want more than 1 partner to share sex with. Not necessarily group sex, just more than 1 partner.) He thought he was going into a polyamorous AND polysexual open marriage where sharing both love and sex with others would be ok.

I could be wrong but to me it sounds like you both went "Ok, cool. We agree it will be non-monogamous marriage" and thought you agreed on the same kind of non-mongamy the Open Marriage would be without actually spelling it out. And now it turns out you each had different ideas.

Add the BDSM slant where you are his submissive... this is gonna feel extra hard. But I will remind you that you do NOT have to agree/submit to subsuming yourself to his wants on this.

Why is it that we either have to break up, he shelves the idea, or I change my opinion?

Because that's all the options there are. :(

I think ending the marriage may be better than him shrinking himself or you shrinking yourself just to keep the marriage going. Could value the health of the PEOPLE more than the married relationship shape staying the same.

Of course I don't want to break up, especially since I've been divorced once and I'm not about to throw the kids for another loop, plus I love him so much. He says I can date/have sex/fall in love with whomever else I want.

It is possible to have a loving divorce and still be around for each other as extended family. It doesn't have to all be "thrown for a loop" like your first divorce.

I don't want to share our intimacy, our love, anything. He thinks it's no big deal, cause he knows we love each other. I'm just heartbroken and would love advice.

You are monoamorous and don't want to share your Sweetie. Not his love, not the home, finances, anything about "nesting partner."

He is polyamorous and doesn't mind sharing his Sweetie or those things. But he needs to be able to see that even if he doesn't mind sharing, it is a big deal TO YOU and you do mind.

I think you could tell him plain that you are not up for this. And if he wants to pursue, then it is best you part ways amicably and figure out how you want to be as good exes.

Is that just be decent/polite if you bump into each other on the street?

Or transition into something else like "close family friend/extended relative?" Or something else?

I encourage you to talk and sort things out and move it forward.

Galagirl
 
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To be fair, this doesn't sound like a surprise. When you were discussing poly in the beginning did you tell him no? It sounds like you said it was a possibility.

Of course you can change your mind about it. Now you are sure that you don't want to do it. He is sure he does. That means you are not compatible in this area. It's a pretty important area.
 
Hello All!

After lurking for about a month, I’m finally ready to ask for some opinions on my dilemma!

I’m (38F) married to J (47M). We are on our 2nd marriage and have a blended family of 5 school-aged kids, plus a dog. We’ve been together for 2 years. I’m his owned, collared submissive and our life together is Amazing!!!

Before we married, we talked about so many things: wild, exciting conversations about trips, vacations, threesomes, maybe swinging, sex in public, etc. One issue was polyamory. J has been in non-monogamous relationships his entire life, even when previously married. We had great discussions about possibilities, but then just you know, focused on each other. We have both been monogamous since we met each other.

So about 2 months ago, J brings up non-monogamy, polyamory, etc. He wants to open our marriage. We have spent weeks and weeks discussing different emotions, boundaries, ideas, etc. Here’s the current status: I’m a hetero-flexible woman. He is a heterosexual male. He wants to find a woman for a triad for us, we now know it would be a unicorn. His vision is that we both fall in love and have sex and a LONG term relationship with this woman.

After weeks, like I said, basically of doing research, reading books, blogs, watching Youtube videos, I’m 100% adamant that I do NOT want to open our relationship. I want J. Only him. He is 100% sure he wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship. I know enough now to know it’s not that I’m not enough, and he is super reassuring about that, but he said... Ok – here are the analogies he keeps using. “You know if you eat a really great steak? And you eat it every day and you are so happy? Why not add a loaded baked potato to it also? You still LOVE the steak, but it’s just extra to have the great potato too!” Or “He likes to drive places. On the way home, he drives back a different way. He just likes a little variety”.

He says our romance is great, sex life is amazing, we have 5 kids, we both have health issues, I am NOT supportive of this. He refuses to give up his dream, especially since he thinks he can find the perfect woman for us. But he says he is not “missing anything”, he just wants extra. Isn’t that selfish – if he isn’t lacking in anything?

I am just so sad about this. I get that we have a difference in relationship views and either he doesn’t do this or I agree and try to change my emotional response. The idea of him falling in love with someone else, fucking someone else, UGH. Now I’m not a prude – we have sex all the time, have plans for a future threesome. But there’s a big difference between that and basically changing our entire lives. I do NOT want someone else moving in, I don’t want to have to worry about bedrooms, sharing him at night, how to explain to the kids, what about retirement funds? Health insurance? This will change our monthly budget. Plus, what free time does J really have? Very little!

I have serious anxiety and depression issues, for which I’m medicated and in therapy, and have been for a long time. This has thrown me into turmoil. J has been super loving, attentive, he swears he will not change that. Our communication has improved 100%, but I’m a little pissed off and hurt that even with me being so against this for months, he is still gung ho. Why is it that we either have to break up, he shelves the idea, or I change my opinion? Of course I don't want to break up, especially since I've been divorced once and I'm not about to throw the kids for another loop, plus I love him so much. He says I can date/have sex/fall in love with whomever else I want.

That's another issue. He says he is protective of me. "Protective is not possessive". He has no qualms with me having sex with other people, as long as I'm safe and respected. I have the "wrong" opinion though, that he should want me to not sleep around like a slut. I don't want to share our intimacy, our love, anything. He thinks it's no big deal, cause he knows we love each other. I'm just heartbroken and would love advice. Thank you.

Firstly, why the triad? An option is that you have a V shaped relationship where he has 2 partners. Living together doesn't have to be an option in any configuration anyway. Similarly, like many polyamorous people, he could opt for things like finances to be off the table with other people. Maybe those things are what they do with their spouses instead. That's another fear or limit of yours that doesn't have to be part of polyamory. You don't have to have sex with other people, either. Or love them.

I'm saying all this because to make an informed choice to not open your marriage at all (therefore opting to separate), you have to know how it could be. It's more than reasonable that your husband compromises on some of what he wants in an ideal world for what he can achieve with the people who actually make up his world. You could explore a compromise - see how it would look if he spent say an evening and an overnight away every week or whatever is realistic for you. Actually draw up a rhetorical schedule bearing in mind it might not resemble the availability of potential partners. Think about what he really has to offer after he takes care of his family, job etc. It may help him see where his priorities lie.
 
But he says he is not “missing anything”, he just wants extra. Isn’t that selfish – if he isn’t lacking in anything?
I don't buy this. Of course he is missing something, otherwise, the desire wouldn't be there. He may not understand what exactly it is what he is missing. It may not be something you can provide. It may not be something you can't live without. But it's an experience he may need to thrive.
Also, the notion of "selfish" is a very subjective one.

To illustrate "missing, but not knowing what you are missing":

I went to university in the city I was born in, which resulted to me living in my parents' house until two years ago. There was nothing I was "missing": I had space and reasonable privacy, food was provided, family was close. Since there was no 'logical' reason to live away (and plenty of financial reasons to stay), it took me considerable effort to convince myself that moving away was the right thing. Of course, once I did, it resulted in rapid development into a more happy and authentic me. I can now see that the things I missed out on by maintaining the status quo were: taking responsibility for myself, creative expression (finding my own style), a sense of achievement and competence, relating to my parents as an equal.
Not stuff that is understood and named easily from a point of not knowing these things.

Another story: I started a play relationship recently with a submissive friend of mine. Although I'm extremely happy about the connection I have with Idealist, and that doesn't change, I discovered that this friend is able to provide a very special kind of attentiveness and support that Idealist doesn't like to (or know how to) provide. I was missing that and I didn't know it.

Life experience provides you with more clarity about what you want and need. It seems (for some reason) he's seeking change.
 
Hello eak88488,

I get the impression that you and J want opposite things. You want a monogamous life with him, he wants a unicorn triad with you (and another woman). You can't have both, by definition. So if you are going to continue to be married and live together, one (or both?) of you is going to be sorely disappointed. As you say, both of you are 100% sure that these are the things you want. Is there a point to discussing it further? You say you have done weeks of research, reading books and blogs, watching YouTube videos, and all of this has only cemented your views. Your very opposite views. On a very fundamental issue.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy. There is nothing wrong with polyamory. It's not a matter of either of you being in the wrong, it's just a matter of stark incompatibility. Since you are not compatible, I have to suggest that you get divorced. Not in a hostile way, hopefully you can get divorced in an amicable way. But the alternative would be a marriage in which one or both of you would be miserable. Surely that's not the kind of marriage you want to model for your kids? Think of it that way.

There's one other conceivable way out of this, and that is if you stay married, and one of you has a change of heart about what you want. Do you think that's possible? Is it possible that he would stop wanting polyamory? Is it possible that you would stop wanting monogamy? Is it possible, at least, for both of you to change enough to arrive at a tolerable compromise? Like SEASONEDpolyAgain suggested, could you be happy with a situation in which the other woman didn't live with you, didn't have entangled assets or finances with you, whom your husband went out with once a week and that was it? someone you didn't have to see or interact with (much less fall in love with)? because if a tolerable compromise isn't possible, you are going to end up with an unhappy marriage. I'm sure that's not what you want.

I see a mono/poly marriage as a possible compromise for you. But you have to decide if that is something both of you could live with and be happy. If it's not, then I have to suggest an amicable divorce. I hope I'm wrong. :(

If you're willing, keep us posted here on your situation. It may be that we'll have additional advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Shelving an issue doesn't mean it's talked about and solved. It's just been postponed. --Yes, you are so right!

We have been talking and talking and crying since I posted. He will give up on the triad, but does want the V. We are working on it.

Thank you so much,

Elizabeth
 
To be fair, this doesn't sound like a surprise. When you were discussing poly in the beginning did you tell him no? It sounds like you said it was a possibility.

Of course you can change your mind about it. Now you are sure that you don't want to do it. He is sure he does. That means you are not compatible in this area. It's a pretty important area.

--Good call, Vin - we did discuss it and at the time it was one of a number of crazy, cool, exciting, sexy, different, adventurous things we might consider later in life. Our mistake was not really fleshing out what was a thought, a preference, and a need.
 
Hi Seasoned,

He is ok with doing a V instead of a triad. And he is even okay with doing a schedule like you proposed. He is actually really, really willing to bend on a bunch of issues.

Slow progress...

Thanks,

Elizabeth
 
Tin,

Oh, wow. Very good examples of "missing" things that you don't even know... This helped. Thank you!

Elizabeth
 
Hi Kevin,

Thanks so much for your post. He will not agree to pure monogamy with me. He will agree to a V, even on a schedule, so that he and I can preserve our marriage and major decision making roles.

One thing that I was/am surprised by is how hurt he has felt because I haven't "trusted him". "Trust" as in believing that he has my best interests at heart and would never make me miserable, plus since he has so many years of non-monogamous relationships under his belt. He says he is seasoned.

I will have to try to make peace with the idea and real-life situation of him being in love with and sexually intimate with another woman. I'm already scheduled for new patient therapy sessions with 2 different poly-friendly therapists.

Thanks again,

Elizabeth
 
Hi Elizabeth,

It sounds like there is some hope of working out a compromise. I'll consider that to be good news. It's not that you are thrilled with him having another relationship, it's just that you are willing to try to make peace with it (with the help of therapists). Hang in there, and keep us updated on your situation if you're willing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin,

Thanks so much for your post. He will not agree to pure monogamy with me. He will agree to a V, even on a schedule, so that he and I can preserve our marriage and major decision making roles.

One thing that I was/am surprised by is how hurt he has felt because I haven't "trusted him". "Trust" as in believing that he has my best interests at heart and would never make me miserable, plus since he has so many years of non-monogamous relationships under his belt. He says he is seasoned.

I will have to try to make peace with the idea and real-life situation of him being in love with and sexually intimate with another woman. I'm already scheduled for new patient therapy sessions with 2 different poly-friendly therapists.

Thanks again,

Elizabeth

Just wanted to point out that you don't HAVE to do anything. You still have all your choices, even if some of them don't appeal much.

But yes, I also wanted to interject that things don't have to be nearly as entwined as you envisioned. My husband and I are in 24/7 D/s and I have one additional relationship as well, who I see 2-3x a week. I have zero interest in cohabitating or mingling finances or anything like this.

And while I like that my boys get along, I realistically have zero interest in being part of a triad even if they were both interested in that. I think there's too many moving parts, and additional complications, and don't want to deal with reverberations along the different relationship connections. If it happened organically, then I'll deal with it, but otherwise I'm happier with them just being friendly to each other.

Also, the money I spend on dating and whatnot comes out of my own fun money, not out of household funds. Do you commingle all your money or do you have some to yourselves?
 
Wow, that's wonderful - the progress you've made.

Good luck to you. Even in a very comfortable situation like my wife and I have developed, there are some speed bumps. Temporary insanity, lol.

Generally, if my wife brews on something without communicating with me, it can get out of hand.

Everyone develops their own approach to poly, their ground rules.

Communicating brought you closer together on this. So best of luck to you and warm regards.
 
One thing that I was/am surprised by is how hurt he has felt because I haven't "trusted him". "Trust" as in believing that he has my best interests at heart and would never make me miserable, plus since he has so many years of non-monogamous relationships under his belt. He says he is seasoned.

If you don't even want to be doing poly, it's not about not trusting him to be a good poly partner. It's that you don't want to be doing it.

Say it was golf. If you don't even like the idea of golf or want to learn to golf? It's not about his many years of golf experience and trusting him to be a good golfing partner or seasoned golfing partner. You just don't like golf. So why bother?

Our communication has improved 100%, but I’m a little pissed off and hurt that even with me being so against this for months, he is still gung ho.

If he's so seasoned and such a great partner, why can't he stop bugging you when you say no for MONTHS?

I will have to try to make peace with the idea and real-life situation of him being in love with and sexually intimate with another woman. I'm already scheduled for new patient therapy sessions with 2 different poly-friendly therapists.

Why do you have to make peace with it? Just because he's willing to let the triad thing go and do a V instead?

This is not like popsicle. Where there is one left and me and a kid want it. So we come to compromise. We split it. Neither gets a whole one. Because we agree after dinner we will do grocery and get a new box and can have a whole one then. Coming to compromise is settling an argument by both sides giving up something. It works for small stuff like popsicles.

This is not small stuff. Compromising your core values is something else. If you are 100% that you want a monamorous relationship? His changing from wanting a poly triad to wanting a poly V is still not offering you a monoamorous relationship where he only shares love with you.

To me you still sound up for "sex adventures" but wanting to share love only with each other. And now because he's yielded a small thing maybe you feel obligated to yield on your side? Or maybe you are just tired of going around for months on this? And are giving in to make the merry go round stop?

Is any of that true? :(

I’m 100% adamant that I do NOT want to open our relationship. I want J. Only him.

This doesn't sound like it changed.

He is 100% sure he wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship.

That has not changed either. He just changed the shape -- he will drop triad and accept a V. He still wants another long-term, romantic, sexual relationship.

If you are 100% definite about wanting to not share him, but then you go see therapists you help you go against your values? If you want to change your beliefs and values that is one thing. But just a few posts ago you did not want to. Even now you are not sounding like you really want to. Be careful you aren't being "worn down" by the talks and the crying and all that.

I asked about the poly V thing being acceptable to you as a compromise ONLY if you are willing to do poly and the hold up was him wanting you to share love with the fantasy triad woman. In a very separate poly V, you each only share love with the hinge person. (him). So maybe that could have worked for you because with the triad he was gonna find for you all was not giving you a voice or choice and it was telling you who to share love with. Him and her.

But if the bottom line is that you don't want to do ANY poly at all? And you only want him to share love with you and you him? Then that V model is not gonna work either. Because he doesn't want just sex play partners. He wants a GF. He's going to share love with her. And you don't sound keen on that.

Talk honestly with your therapists about what you have going on in your plate. Doing a poly V just to keep him around and keep him happy? That might not be so hot for you if it causes you unhappiness. You matter too.

You need to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

"Have to make me peace with it" does not sound like "joyous yes!" consent to me.

To me a seasoned partner knows that "have to make peace with it" is really "I don't really want to be doing this" and they wouldn't accept it.

Galagirl
 
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Update to original post

Hello All,

Well, we have spent the time since I first posted having very good, deep, open conversations. We are working with a poly-friendly therapist I really like.

I've read so many places that simply by having the "poly" conversation, relationships can be forever changed. I tend to agree at this point.

I've made pro and con lists, we've meditated on things, had more discussions, and here is how we stand.

I still want a 100% monogamous relationship with J, my hubs/Dom. He still wants to find a woman for at least a V relationship. I feel I've expressed to him every fear/worry/hesitation that I have thus far and he is still gung-ho on him searching.

J continues to think though, that all of this convo is "hypothetical" and that our marriage has not yet "changed". I can attest to the fact that while the imaginary woman/scenario might be hypothetical, my feelings and insecurities are very real. J is still being very loving, sweet, acting in every way as the person I've loved for years. Well, except for the elephant in the room.

We talked and decided to wait until January for him to start his search. But my damn anxiety disorder and worries will not cease. So he is going to start searching soon. I honestly believe J believes this is the right move for us and our family. I disagree, but I will say that his judgment usually tends to be right.

I wish he would agree to not pursue another woman and live simply with our marriage, but he feels he will not be complete. I guess it boils down to...I want to accept and support him for who he is. So I'm going along with it.

Like I said, I continue in therapy. I HATE that now when he has a work dinner, or goes somewhere off his normal routine, I am suspicious he is meeting women. Is he? No. I don't really think so.

I hate that I'm unhappy about this whole thing and it makes me not want to be intimate with J as much. And I feel like joining some dating site and finding a boyfriend. Do I really want to have a boyfriend? NO. Do I want to still have sex with J and be intimate and relaxed? YES. But it's like my brain/emotions get all mixed up. UGH.

So the journey continues. Thank you so much to everyone who has posted or gives their advice. This isn't a journey I ever really wanted, and I know I don't know any of you guys in real life, but electronic support through forums such as this do help me some. Thanks again.

Elizabeth
 
I still want a 100% monogamous relationship with J, my hubs/Dom. He still wants to find a woman for at least a V relationship. I feel I've expressed to him every fear/worry/hesitation that I have thus far and he is still gung-ho on him searching.

As he moves forward even though you are not on board... what does he think will happen?

What do you think will happen?

I honestly believe J believes this is the right move for us and our family. I disagree, but I will say that his judgment usually tends to be right.
What do you think is the right move for you / for the family? Maybe these are some things to discuss with your therapist.

Galagirl
 
As he moves forward even though you are not on board... what does he think will happen?

What do you think will happen?

What do you think is the right move for you / for the family? Maybe these are some things to discuss with your therapist.

Galagirl

Well, he hopes to find a woman who is a good fit for him/me/our family and then see where it goes. I think he will have an easy time finding a woman, he is very handsome and smart and charming.

I don't know what will happen. I'll probably just try to find a side boyfriend to keep me busy or something. Sad and pathetic, cause I know I'd only be wanting this other guy to help boost my self-esteem and keep loneliness away when J is searching/dating.

The right move for my family would be him realizing that the relationship we have with each other and all of our children is precious and since he says he is totally content with me, our sex life is great, he's not unhappy, he would grow the fuck up and just not date/fall in love with another woman now. Perhaps when the kids are older? Or after I've done major therapy so that I'm more self-confident?

My parents know what is going on and they don't want him at their house for Thanksgiving, so that's awesome - not. And yes, I'm talking about all of this stuff with my therapist.

As far as the relationship with another woman, I'd prefer a hierarchy, but I know that is frowned upon/unfair towards new relationship partners.
 
Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for posting that update. It sounds like you are going to try to support J, even though you would rather he wouldn't move ahead with his plans to find another woman, or at least, that he would wait a few years. It seems like he is being rather impulsive, like he has NRE before he even meets this hypothetical woman. I would like to see him be more considerate of your feelings, but I understand that you want to support him. Like you wish you could be okay with poly but you don't know how, does that make sense?

If you need him to do a hierarchy, I think that is okay, and you should let him know. In the meantime I hope we can continue to respond to you and be of some help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The right move for my family would be him realizing that the relationship we have with each other and all of our children is precious and since he says he is totally content with me, our sex life is great, he's not unhappy, he would grow the fuck up and just not date/fall in love with another woman now. Perhaps when the kids are older? Or after I've done major therapy so that I'm more self-confident?

Fair enough.

Waiting until kids are grown is not unheard of. Neither is waiting until some therapy work is completed so you are opening from a stronger foundation and not a wonky one.

What's his hurry?

Galagirl
 
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