He said, she said

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glowinthedarkstars

New member
I am 100% new to this. I am dating a poly man who has been poly for 17 years. Naturally, I have questions.

Patrick hasn't defined any primaries, secondaries, etc., in his relationships. Is this normal?

Many times, Patrick talks about his other girls to each of us, or confuses the things we said or experiences we had with him.

I don't like playing "he said, she said" games. They are immature.

However, I became friends with Patrick's other girls, and sort of confided in them, like you would a friend. I don't have any other friends that are girls. One must have said something to Patrick. I felt betrayed by Candace for "reporting" to Patrick. I felt really ganged-up on.

How do people in poly relationships keep this talk (almost gossip, in a way) to a minimum, so it doesn't get back to anyone? Maybe my mistake was talking to Candace before talking to Patrick, although I'd talked to Patrick about how I felt earlier, and he really didn't seem to change. When I had enough, I simply asked Candace for her advice. Have any of you been in similar situations? What to do?

Sometimes Patrick will tell me "Candace has to tell you something" (or the other way around) and it makes me feel rather bad, like I am being talked about. I'm probably being very immature and silly, but it does get to me.
 
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The simplest answer is to reserve conversations to times the three of you are together.

For us, the bottom line is that everything WILL get shared, because we believe that open, honest communication and NO secrets are absolutely necessary in order to facilitate trust and confidence in one another.

I suggest going to www.lovemore.com and www.xeromag.com and reading all the articles on poly. That will help you a lot with understanding more.
 
Some people don't like the primary/secondary labels, because they can be misleading. The most common use is to point out who you live with or spend the most time with. But some people take it as a measure of the love. So he may be avoiding that to avoid confusion.

People talk about each other. People seek advice from others. So I don't think you did anything wrong. But people do worry about being talked about in a negative manner. One suggestion is to get everyone together and talk about this issue and see how everyone feels about it. This is one of those good issues that you helps develop communication skills in the group (if done well).
 
LovingRadiance said:
The simplest answer is to reserve conversations to times the three of you are together.

For us, the bottom line is that everything will get shared, because we believe that open, honest communication and no secrets are absolutely necessary in order to facilitate trust and confidence in one another.

I suggest going to www.lovemore.com and www.xeromag.com
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I guess this does make sense. I wasn't keeping secrets. I told Candace I was worried about Patrick, because Candace was moving away to be with her love, and Patrick was taking it hard. I asked her what I could do to help Patrick (because she;s all he talks about, and he was thinking irrationally, and totally depressed). Stupid of me to go to her, but I felt like I had no one else, and it was really taking a toll on me. I guess I shouldn't have been asking for advice like that. Candace and I have a connection. We are what I would consider friends, so I never imagined this would have happened.

I am about to read those articles. Thank you for your help!
 
Quath said:
Some people don't like the primary/secondary labels because they can be misleading. The most common use is to point out who you live with or spend the most time with. But some people take it as a measure of the love. So he may be avoiding that to avoid confusion.

People talk about each other. People seek advice from others. So I don't think you did anything wrong. But people do worry about being talked about in a negative manner. One suggestion is to get everyone together and talk about this issue and see how everyone feels about it. This is one of those good issues that you helps develop communication skills in the group (if done well).
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At this point, the issue is pretty much over. Candace has moved across country. Patrick isn't talking about her to me 24/7. But of course, should this repeat itself when other people come into the picture, I will now know the proper way to handle the situation. Candace was living in CT, Patrick was living in NY, and I was living in NJ at the time, so we never really had that group-discussion thing. But yes, good to know for the future! Thank you.
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
I became friends with P's other girls and confided in them like you would a friend. I don't have any other friends that are girls. One must have said something to P, because P asked me "Have you been talking to C about me"? I said yes, but didn't elaborate. P said C told him everything I said. What I said wasn't bad, I more so was asking C for advice. Still I felt betrayed by C for "reporting" to P. I felt really ganged up on.
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You're not being immature or silly. Candace flat out showed a complete lack of trustworthiness. That's not unique to polyamory. People who feel the need to report every little thing that was said back to the focal point of any connection are either blabbermouths, or trying to gain status with the focal point.

Watch out for that one. And certainly don't give any intimate details to them to further spread, because odds are Patrick isn't the only one who heard.
 
Candance isnt poly. She's just "open" and likes to have fun. In fact, all of the girls Patrick has been with lately are monos, or single ladies who want to stay single, or think he's a good friend and a good lay. Of course, I know this by talking to them. He has a different perspective completely. I will no longer tell Patrick anything they tell me unless he asks for specifics. I will use my best judgement, or say it's not for me to say. I would never want to hurt P like that.
 
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