Health crisis

F

FrancescaRimini

New member
I’m in a state of emotional shock. Last week my secondary partner of eight months, let’s call him John, suffered a heart attack while I was staying at his house (we don’t live together). I had to call an ambulance and went with him to the hospital where he had an emergency angioplasty. I stayed with him overnight and my primary partner, Jeff, brought me home from the hospital at 7am.

I’ve visited John several times over the weekend in hospital and met his family, who didn’t know about me until then. John is now back at his home and being cared for by his best friend Terri (who is also his ex-girlfriend). He is stable but still very weak.

I think this could be make or break time for our poly set-up. Until now John and I have had a casual relationship, although I knew from the start I cared a lot about him. Only Jeff and a few of my close friends knew that I am poly and that I have been seeing John.

When I got home from the hospital I blurted out to Jeff that I love John, as well as loving him (Jeff). Jeff has really been struggling to cope with this, and my obvious concern about John, ever since.

I’m struggling as well, as I feel pulled apart in two directions. Instinctively I just want to be by John’s side right now to make sure he is ok. But I have other people who need me too, Jeff and my kids, and a full time job. John has family and friends nearby who are taking good care of him and I need to trust them to do that, but its gut wrenching. It’s my son’s birthday today and I need to get through the day at work and then put on a happy face to go out for dinner to celebrate. God this is hard.
 
*hugs*

I'm sorry to hear about the heart attack. I'm glad he's being taken care of.

Pace yourself, ok? Do YOUR self care too. Running yourself ragged won't help you any. It won't help John or Jeff. It won't help the kids or work.

If you have any sick days left at work? Could consider taking one today or tomorrow. Not to visit him in hospital, but to sleep and do your own self care FIRST now that the immediate crisis is past. So you can get through bday dinner and map out your next few days so you are getting replenished and are back to running from a fuller tank of gas.

Put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to attend to others. After you have done your self care and are ready to re-engage?

See who John decided is his team captain over there and how you can help. Maybe set up a meal train plus or similar.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
Thank you *Galagirl* thats good advice to take some time out for self care, I'm going to work from home tomorrow so I can build in some me-time and also be with Jeff as he is at home.

I just heard from John and there is a roster in place of people who are going to stay with him. Which is a relief but it makes me extremely jealous as I want to be the one to take care of him. Ha.

And meanwhile Jeff is feeling jealous as he can see how upset I am about John...
 
Hi FrancescaRimini,

That sounds like a complicated situation for you, I hope you'll be able to give John the attention he needs without Jeff becoming too jealous. Whatever we can do on this forum to help, let us know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin. I am feeling a bit more hopeful today. The heart attack has really made me question whether my poly relationship is viable for the following reasons:

1. I felt overwhelming need to be with John to the point that it shook me that I actually could be in danger of neglecting my other relationships
2. I felt overwhelming jealousy of John's family and friends who were able to be with him. I am not normally jealous but I realised I don't feel very secure in John's feelings for me. I also felt quite awkward about what his family do/do not know. I met them at his hospital bed for the first time and AFAIK they are not aware I am in another r'ship as well.
3. Jeff was really upset about my feelings (think he felt threatened see above)
4. I feel really judged. I "came out" to my mother about the relationship when I was reeling from shock. That was a bad call/ I really needed her to support me but she was shocked, horrified and judgemental. Since then my sister has given me a hard time for upsetting Mum and told me she doesn't understand (the poly relationship) either.

John called me last night for a chat. He is still very unwell but I know that he is being looked after 24/7 which is a huge relief. I feel reassured that although I am not there right now, I do have a place in his life so I feel a lot better about points 1 and 2 now. I am going for a coffee with Terri tomorrow which will be the first time we have properly spoken.

Jeff and I are working on re-connecting and talking it out.

My sister called me last night and reassured me that whatever her opinion of my lifestyle, she wants to help in whatever way. So I feel a lot better about that. I'm just going to stay away from my mother for a while until she has calmed down.
 
Hopefully Jeff can be generous enough to allow you the space and time to attend to John's needs during this health crisis.
 
Is Jeff monogamous? It sounds to me like he doesn't truly understand that poly is focused on love and having multiple loving relationships. Else, why would he be so shocked and offended that you have deeper feelings for your other partner? Was he under the assumption that John was only a fuck buddy or something casual? Maybe you and Jeff could read the book More Than Two together.

I am glad to read that John is doing well.
 
Thank you NYCindie. Jeff is, as you surmised, a natural mono person I think. I deep down have always known I am poly, but never even had the vocabulary for it until quite recently. We have both read More then Two, and I have shared some other resources with him such as the "Poly Hell" blog post referenced on this site. He is (we are) transitioning to a new relationship arrangement. Up until now it had been ok, as John and I had been dating occasionally and it had not impinged on Jeff in any significant way. But I think the heart attack is a game changer tbh.
 
FrancescaRimini said:
Up until now it had been ok, as John and I had been dating occasionally and it had not impinged on Jeff in any significant way. But I think the heart attack is a game changer tbh.
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Yes, that seems to be obvious from what you've stated here, but I think it would be important for you and Jeff to talk some more and dig down underneath his reaction to discover why exactly this is a game-changer for him. If it was a family member or a close platonic friend, and you were upset and wanted to be there for them, it wouldn't have put him into a tailspin, correct? So, how does your having another lover impinge his time or life more than a friend or relative would? Are you not allowed to have a life outside of Jeff? See where I am going? You may want to ask him these questions and point out the logic.

Why is he so bent out of shape over John being important to you and someone you deeply care for? Is it possessiveness? Insecurity? Is it that he is not fully grasping nor accepting what poly is? Does he feel like less of a man if you want someone other than him? Those kinds of things are vital for him to take a look at, or he will just feel like the relationship went wrong and he won't have enough awareness about his issues to heal and move on, whether moving on means staying or leaving. Am I being clear?
 
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Hi NYCIndie. These are all good questions. Jeff and I are continuing to talk and explore both of our feelings. I think although on a surface level, he understands that it is possible for me to love another and still love him, he is still having troubling "feeling it" deep down. He is experiencing feelings of demotion and yes I think that part of him does feel like less of a man. Years of social conditioning that monogamy is the only/best way take a while to unwind. He is still open to talking about it and we are working through it.

Its scary for me as well as I have felt overcome by my feelings. I don't want to be melodramatic but it has worried me that, in this state of panic over John, I might damage my relationship with Jeff, my kids and other family.

On a more positive note. I met Terri yesterday and she and I had a proper conversation for the first time. I think she is open to friendship which is great news :)
 
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Re:
"I met Terri yesterday and she and I had a proper conversation for the first time. I think she is open to friendship which is great news :)"
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That is good news.
 
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