Heart Heavy

[GalaGirl]

She does like to read, and maybe that will be less of a personal in your face way to get some ideas across to her.

That sounds like JADE to me -- trying to explain. JADE is (justify, argue, defend, explain.) Don't do any of those. "Do not JADE" would be my advice.

You haven't done anything wrong. Could sit tight and wait it out.

Did you plan on asking if she's willing to read books first? Because just bringing her unasked for and unwanted books is still "shoving it in her face" if she just wants to be left alone for a while to process.

So I wouldn't do that for both reasons -- no JADE, and not shoving things in her face.

If she comes to bully? You don't have to accept it if she comes over to berate you. You are not a doormat. You firmly tell her this behavior is not acceptable and to go home till she's ready to talk calmly and without rudeness. That's not closing the door to Mom. That's leaving it open for when she's ready to talk without tantrum.

I know it can feel hard -- you miss your mom. I know this is disappointing too. But give her time and space. Exercise your personal boundaries and don't let her "doormat" you. But also don't be "chasing" her down either. Do not JADE.

Let her come to you when she's ready to behave with self control, and comes with open mind and open heart.

It is not your job to do the "opening." It is hers.

Galagirl

 

[Reiyth]

Well, some good news. She sent me a super long text yesterday saying she has been crying and praying, but she can't find it in her to completly shut me and her grandkids out of her life for this. She repeated several times that she won't accept or condone what I'm doing, but that she will put it in God's hands. I think its a good sign that she is adjusting and maybe surfacing from the hate a little. I didn't reply directly to the text she sent... I couldn't think of anything to say really. But I did send her a text today asking her how her weekend was, to which she responded grumpily but civilly. Baby steps.

Moving forward, I'm thinking of doing more of the same. Not bring up the issue and try to keep to neutral topics. Let us both kind of heal a little from the hurt and reestablish our connection. My main concern though is the future. She has a long standing history of non-confrontation and passive aggressive behavior(why this whole thing was such a shock to begin with). I'm worried that this text just means she's going to go back to non confronting the issue, so nothing will ever be resolved. A lot of her venom and hate were directed at J and S, and I don't want to have to split up our family forever to keep my mom happy b/c she doesn't want them around. Make sense? Should I just ignore the poly issue, keep J & S scarce, and let her bury her head in the sand? Oh and she doesn't really come over to my house much, just for holidays really. I always go visit her weekly, and besides, she vowed to never come back over to my house ever again anyways. Though I am hoping that won't be the case.

 

[GalaGirl]

What is "resolution" to you? What would you like?

In the meanwhile, I think there are things you could do.

If she comes at you with passive aggressive, could call it out and say no thank you.

If she does not want to come to holidays at your house, could accept that is her choice. You carry on celebrating how you feel like it at your house.

If you want to visit her at her house weekly, could visit. If she chooses that time to dump crazy or grind an axe you could set a boundary like "X topics are not up for discussion on these visits." If she brings them up, you could have an easy consequence. Like simply go home.

She does not went you to cut a visit short? She could exercise some self control then and not bring up those topics and grind axe.

Keep it simpler on you.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Reiyth):

"Should I just ignore the poly issue, keep J and S scarce, and let her bury her head in the sand?"

I don't think you should do that. If she wants to bury her head in the sand, let her figure out her own way to do that. You don't have to help her.

It's going to be uncomfortable as it is. I presume J and S know about her outsized reaction so far.

 

[Katastr0ph1k]

Re (from Reiyth):


I don't think you should do that. If she wants to bury her head in the sand, let her figure out her own way to do that. You don't have to help her.

It's going to be uncomfortable as it is. I presume J and S know about her outsized reaction so far.

I concur. If you try and make S and J scarce, it's going to become your burden, and this is not your issue. It is hers. As quoted, if she wants to bury her head in the sand, she'll figure out her own way of doing that. You don't need to enable her. Nor should you act as if you are ashamed of your lifestyle choice if you're not. Continue to live just as you would if she was not having issues with all this, otherwise you're bowing to her whim and that's not how it should be.

 

[LizziE]

I wanted to add more (((hugs))) and good wishes for your mom to continue to calm down. And also another POD for Dan Savage - he does have a great way of expressing things!

I also wanted to say that I agree that hiding people isn't a good solution - that could cause friction between you and S and/or J and really...isn't it doing a disservice to your relationship(s) with them?

Also, in my experience (with my mentally ill and controlling mother), what you lay down as acceptable now will set the tone for your entire relationship with your mom. So if you allow her to lambast you for your choices now, she'll get the idea that it will always be acceptable to do so. If you allow her to make snide comments about S and/or J now, she'll think that's always OK. If she realizes you're having them lay low for her now, she'll think that's the way things are going to be on this forever.

You don't need to have a huge fight about it, but a firm but friendly voice: "Mom, if you're going to say negative things about them, then I'm going to have to leave" and if she continues, tell her you love her but need to go.

My mom took my coming out...mostly well, but for the first few weeks after, she would ask about Jon, and I would say that he was wonderful and she would say "but not wonderful enough to be with just him" and I would say to her "do you have something to say? because if you do, say it. if not, that's not appropriate and I won't continue this phone call if comments like that are going to come up". And she backed down.

It was much less painful than what you're going through, but one thing my mom has taught me is that we teach people how to treat us. And the way you let her treat you/your polyamorous life now, is going to set up an expectation for how she thinks she'll be able to treat you/it in the future.

Many, many more (((((hugs))))))