Heartbreak Goes Poly

[CoralRose]

I've been married for six years and have a four year old son. I was dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we broke up three months ago. We considered ourselves a "tribe." I'd spend two nights a week at his house, and we'd usually have one day a week where all of us would do something together -- bowling, arcade, eating out, movies, weekend trips to my family cabin, etc.

Since my boyfriend and I each owned our own houses and had our own pets, it was difficult to move beyond that. We talked about all living together but put it on hold as the toddler stage is NOT easy. The disagreements we'd have were normally about lack of time with each other. I work day shift and no weekends, he works at a restaurant as a sous chef so long nights and every Friday and Saturday night.

At some point he decided as much as he loved me, it wasn't enough and he wanted someone just to himself, someone he could come home to. It broke my heart. We tried to stay friends but for me, hearing someone say "I'll never get over you," "I love you," "Good night gorgeous" was not conducive to me moving on.

We had amazing sex, though he always put spending time with me as a priority over sex. In his mind, sex was a benefit and spending time with me was the best part of our relationship. But damn, I miss some of those fantastic nights.

Now that we've broken up and I've gone back onto poly sites, it's frustrating to get the same stupid messages in my inbox of people just wanting to have cybersex or ask for pictures. Doesn't anyone want to get to know anyone personally anymore? It makes me miss him even more.

Most of my closest friends are poly and male so I know I'm not being unreasonable. I guess I need to figure out what it actually is I'm looking for. I definitely don't NEED a serious boyfriend or partner and like to have fun as much as the next person, but my brain leads before my heart or loins.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi CoralRose,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, your ex sounds like he was a really nice guy. I don't know what it is with people these days, it seems like everybody just wants NSA casual sex anymore. I mean I'm sure there are exceptions to that, but that's how it seems. Anyway, I hope your luck improves, you have had some hard knocks lately.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[CoralRose]

Hi CoralRose,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, your ex sounds like he was a really nice guy. I don't know what it is with people these days, it seems like everybody just wants NSA casual sex anymore. I mean I'm sure there are exceptions to that, but that's how it seems. Anyway, I hope your luck improves, you have had some hard knocks lately.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic about my expectation, but there have to be some men and women out there who are kind, personable, well-spoken and actually want to get to know someone and not just f*ck them. Does polyamory automatically mean I'm only supposed to care about sex and not the actual person? Guess I'm just in a mood today.

 

[kdt26417]

No, polyamory is about more than just sex. There are even asexual folks who are polyamorous. Casual sex falls more under the umbrella of swinging, and of open/ENM. You should certainly care about the romantic side of things, not just the sexual side. I don't blame you for being in a mood!

 

[davidisfun67]

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I just ended my relationship with my polyamory girl friend, I love to find a wonderful woman like you, but I know we live so far away

 

[CoralRose]

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I just ended my relationship with my polyamory girl friend, I love to find a wonderful woman like you, but I know we live so far away

That's very sweet; thank you!

 

[dingedheart]

I've been married for six years and have a four year old son. I was dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we broke up three months ago. We considered ourselves a "tribe." I'd spend two nights a week at his house, and we'd usually have one day a week where all of us would do something together -- bowling, arcade, eating out, movies, weekend trips to my family cabin, etc.

How long have you been with you husband total?
Were you poly since meeting/inception?
Does your husband have other partners as well?

Since my boyfriend and I each owned our own houses and had our own pets, it was difficult to move beyond that. We talked about all living together but put it on hold as the toddler stage is NOT easy. The disagreements we'd have were normally about lack of time with each other. I work day shift and no weekends, he works at a restaurant as a sous chef so long nights and every Friday and Saturday night.

At some point he decided as much as he loved me, it wasn't enough and he wanted someone just to himself, someone he could come home to. It broke my heart. We tried to stay friends but for me, hearing someone say "I'll never get over you," "I love you," "Good night gorgeous" was not conducive to me moving on.

Sorry about the breakup. Those are never fun.

Was bf familiar with poly prior to dating you?
He was ok participating/helping out a poly couple, but deep down would like someone full time/100%. No one pitched the idea of him finding a nesting partner or someone to fill in some of the other time?

We had amazing sex, though he always put spending time with me as a priority over sex. In his mind, sex was a benefit and spending time with me was the best part of our relationship. But damn, I miss some of those fantastic nights.

Now that we've broken up and I've gone back onto poly sites, it's frustrating to get the same stupid messages in my inbox of people just wanting to have cybersex or ask for pictures. Doesn't anyone want to get to know anyone personally anymore? It makes me miss him even more.

Sadly, I think it’s a numbers game… lots of swiping/kissing frogs.

Most of my closest friends are poly and male so I know I'm not being unreasonable. I guess I need to figure out what it actually is I'm looking for. I definitely don't NEED a serious boyfriend or partner and like to have fun as much as the next person, but my brain leads before my heart or loins.

Maybe in your search, set the parameters to married or partnered poly people. It’s not going to eliminate issues, but you might not have that specific issue pop up again. I’ll just get all the metamour issues. Pick your poison.


Edit: P.S. As a former cheesehead, tough break on the Packers. Equally depressing.

 

[CoralRose]

How long have you been with you husband total? Were you poly since meeting/inception? Does your husband have other partners as well?

We've been together nine years now, and no. I met him on OK Cupid, but the first guy I met there was a married poly guy who I became friends with (and still am). After I had my kiddo, I realized I was missing a part of myself. Poly was a conversation on the table for at least a year before I got the green light. He wasn't super interested in poly at first but warmed up to it. He went on a few dates and has been chatting on Fetlife. He's come out (to me at least) as bicurious and went on a date with a guy last weekend.

Sorry about the breakup. Those are never fun.

Definitely not. I forgot how much they hurt.

Was bf familiar with poly prior to dating you? He was ok participating/helping out a poly couple, but deep down would like someone full time/100%. No one pitched the idea of him finding a nesting partner or someone to fill in some of the other time

He was not, and it was kind of unexpected for both of us. We fell in love and you know how that goes. Several times I brought up him having someone else, but he wasn't interested. I was the lynch pin between my two guys, and we had so much fun together and separate. When we went away for weekends, I'd take turns sharing beds with them, and we all spent time together.

Sadly, I think it’s a numbers game… lots of swiping/kissing frogs.

I am definitely getting that. I like sex a lot, but I want to get to know someone, not just immediately send them pictures they can jack off to. I had an unfortunate incident happen already with my pictures that involved the police in which I elected not to press charges, but I don't always trust people as much as I want to .

Maybe in your search set the parameters to married or partnered poly people. It’s not going to eliminate issues but you might not have that specific issue pop up again. I’ll just get all the metamour issues. Pick your poison.

That's definitely something I've considered. I just feel like I got so lucky, and it's rough out there.

As a former cheesehead, tough break on the Packers. Equally depressing.

Don't get me started! I've been trying to do dry January but not that night. Yeesh.

 

[davidisfun67]

I think that was a wonderful life, I am still trying to find a good polyamory girl friend to enjoy the rest of or life together in all ways

 

[Magdlyn]

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic about my expectation, but there have to be some men and women out there who are kind, personable, well-spoken and actually want to get to know someone and not just f*ck them. Does polyamory automatically mean I'm only supposed to care about sex and not the actual person? Guess I'm just in a mood today.

Hi CoralRose, welcome to the forum.

Just FYI, you can use slang here, since we are a board for adults. You can say fuck, tits, cocksucking, pussy, bullshit, whatever.

I wish more people would come out and say "sex," or "fucking" instead of using euphemisms like "sleeping together," or "being intimate," since those terms can be confusing.

As a veteran poly-dater, I just wanted to say you're not alone. Dating is hard. So many people (men, especially) just want a quick screw, er... fuck. People (poly men who have trouble getting any dates) say it's easier for women to find dates, and it's true, if we just wanted some anonymous sex. But of course, that isn't polyAMORY. Amory means love. Love entails much more than sex.

I am sorry about your breakup. Your ex sounds like he fit in well with your life in some important ways, but the mismatched schedules were a killer.

All I can say is, exercise patience. At some point, the right person will come along. They did for me. I met my gf soon after I separated from my ex (mono marriage of 30 years). I was extremely lucky! But it took another 14 years to find the right guy, and now we've been together 4 years. I always just wanted two partners, one with female energy, one with male energy (sex and gender didn't matter specifically, as I am pansexual).

Just ignore all the losers as best you can. Take breaks from the search as needed. Focus on your husband and baby, live your life.

I met my gf on okcupid (back when it was good), and I met my bf on Fetlife after chatting as friends for three years, just before and during the pandemic. However, my bf has had luck meeting poly women on Feeld since he and I started dating.

Edit: I see you joined a while ago, but just came back. Welcome back.

 

[CoralRose]

Hi CoralRose, welcome to the forum.

Just FYI, you can use slang here, since we are a board for adults. You can say fuck, tits, cocksucking, pussy, bullshit, whatever.

I wish more people would come out and say "sex," or "fucking" instead of using euphemisms like "sleeping together," or "being intimate," since those terms can be confusing.

As a veteran poly-dater, I just wanted to say you're not alone. Dating is hard. So many people (men, especially) just want a quick screw, er... fuck. People (poly men who have trouble getting any dates) say it's easier for women to find dates, and it's true, if we just wanted some anonymous sex. But of course, that isn't polyAMORY. Amory means love. Love entails much more than sex.

I am sorry about your breakup. Your ex sounds like he fit in well with your life in some important ways, but the mismatched schedules were a killer.

All I can say is, exercise patience. At some point, the right person will come along. They did for me. I met my gf soon after I separated from my ex (mono marriage of 30 years). I was extremely lucky! But it took another 14 years to find the right guy, and now we've been together 4 years. I always just wanted two partners, one with female energy, one with male energy (sex and gender didn't matter specifically, as I am pansexual).

Just ignore all the losers as best you can. Take breaks from the search as needed. Focus on your husband and baby, live your life.

I met my gf on okcupid (back when it was good), and I met my bf on Fetlife after chatting as friends for three years, just before and during the pandemic. However, my bf has had luck meeting poly women on Feeld since he and I started dating.

Edit: I see you joined a while ago, but just came back. Welcome back.

Thank you so much for your comment! I had a rough encounter with someone yesterday, so I was trying to be the bigger person by not cursing but...fuck it.

I actually joined OK Cupid last night because I figured I might have better luck finding a girlfriend on there than Fetlife...but I also had two gals reach out to me last night!

I love sex, but I also like relationships, dating, talking, and being close to someone. Makes the sex better for me sometimes. Ex-boyfriend knows I'll find someone better suited to my lifestyle and schedule, and I hope that's true.

I have never been one of those people to dump on their exes. There is a reason we were together, and I will always cherish that time. I don't think the length of a relationship defines the meaning it had.

Okay, enough blabbing.