Hello, could use some advice please!

[Wordy]

Hi! I'm wordy, and I'm entering a polyamorous relationship for the first time. It's something I have been drawn to since I started considering relationships in the first place. Yet even after extensive reading and research, I have so many questions! So a bit about my situation:

I'm a bisexual male 24, and let's call my partners Jane and John. Jane is a bisexual female of 22, John is a straight male, also 22.

I love them both with all of my heart. We have all been friends for six going on seven years.

Jane and I had a brief relationship which ended because we both agreed that we weren't ready for a relationship at the time as both of our lives were very hectic and we felt if we had continued we would have damaged our relationship and our friendship. We both continued to love each other and after staying friends and growing more we feel very capable of making this relationship work.

John and I are extremely close and he know's that I am attracted to him and in love with his mind, I feel connected to him as strongly as I do Jane, and I never expect anything physical to occur between us, because I do not wish to make him uncomfortable. I know (we have discussed this) he feels the same emotional and spiritual connection to me that I do him.

John recently came forward with his emotions towards Jane, and after a period of time and a few very honest conversations we came to the conclusion that polyamory could be a good fit for us. We have begun setting our ground rules and establishing open and honest communication, but all of us are very inexperienced on this matter.

I have many questions and would appreciate someone with some experience to talk to. Should I give John and Jane some alone time being as their romantic bond hasn't been formed for as long as the one between Jane and myself? Should we spend more time with all of us together first? How can I make sure that John doesn't feel pressured or awkward about my attraction to him? I view this as emotional(non-physical) romance between John and I, a romance between Jane and John as well as Jane and myself, and I haven't encountered any particular information about such a setup.

As I said I love them both very much and want to do what I can to make this easier for all of us, because we're each aware that any relationship takes work. Thank you for your time!

 

[MusicalRose]

It is up to John and Jane to decide how much time they might need together and for you to decide and communicate to them what it is you want and need from them.

The best way to keep things from being awkward with John are to be open and honest about yourself and your desires and to listen to him when he communicates his to you and make sure to respect his boundaries.

You will probably need to do lots of talking and learning about yourselves and each other. Each poly relationship is different, so there is only so much advice that can be given on what you "should" do in any given circumstance.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Wordy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

My guess is that you should do some things all together as a group of three, while also giving each dyad (of two persons) some alone time. So,

• Jane and John,
• Jane and Wordy, and
• John and Wordy (non-sexually)

should each spend some alone time together.

It's great that you're establishing open and honest communication; that should help a lot. Polyamory is a vast and complex subject and there's so much to learn about it. Read and post a lot on this site. See which threads call to you, and let us know what your questions are.

I usually check on the intro board every day (though I'll be away for a couple of days today thru Monday), so you can always ping me here. But lots of members will probably respond to you wherever you post.

I hope we can be of help!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Wordy]

Thank you both very much for your responses, it's really good to know that there is a community here they we can turn to to find experience and advice when we're a little stumped.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hello and Welcome!

Should I give John and Jane some alone time being as their romantic bond hasn't been formed for as long as the one between Jane and myself?

It is up to John and Jane to determine how much alone time they want/need with each other. Time is not something you can give them - we each only have 24 hours in a day - it is up to us as individuals to decide what we we do with it.

Each dyad in the whole dynamic has different wants/needs that need to be considered. As long as YOU are getting enough Jane+Wordy and John+Wordy and Wordy+Jane+John time then your needs are being met and how much Jane+John time happens is not your concern. Each person may also require some amount of ALONE time - which has to be considered as well (as an introvert this part is really important to me - if your partners are extroverts this might not be a big deal).

Should we spend more time with all of us together first?

Again, it depends upon the wants/needs of the three of you - which may not be the same! So...talk about it. Some people may feel awkward trying to pursue a new romance in front of existing partners, others may feel reassured that the other partner is on board and involved.

How can I make sure that John doesn't feel pressured or awkward about my attraction to him?

Short answer is you can't. You can't control another person's feelings or make them feel (or not feel) a certain way. Feelings happen. Sometimes the feelings are welcome and sometimes they are not. All YOU can control is your behaviours (words and actions).

It sounds as though you have already made a good start in talking to him, keep it up! You can ask him to let you know if any particular words/actions on your part are uncomfortable to him (and foster that trust by not getting defensive or upset when he tells you that they do - just accept it as a point of information and take it into account).

I'm bi and tend to crush on straight women (and sometimes they turn out to not be so straight after all). I acknowledge it and then move on, letting them know that my attraction to them doesn't require the return in order for our friendship to continue. ("For the record, I think you are adorable and sweet and smart and sexy. I know that you aren't attracted to girls...but I'm just tossing that out there in case you ever want to try batting for the "Girls' Team" >grin<" ...then I drop it. Done. We go on as we were.) On the other hand, I have a lesbian friend who often dates bisexual women - yet we have never had the slightest sexual attraction to each other - we've talked about it as a curiosity and then went on with our (very intimate but not sexual/romantic) friendship.

I view this as emotional(non-physical) romance between John and I, a romance between Jane and John as well as Jane and myself, and I haven't encountered any particular information about such a setup.

That seems a fine viewpoint to have - but keep in mind that they might NOT view it exactly the same way, which could be OK.

My boys love each other (in a platonic "bro-mance" kind of way - as they are both straight) - they were best friends before I ever met Dude. They would do anything for each other. They spend more time with each other that I do with either of them. (I work outside the home and they don't.) Dude views their relationship as "love" (in a non-sexual sense) and "chosen family". MrS views their relationship as "best friend and brother-husband". Whatever - it's all good.

JaneQ