Hello everyone!

DomTron

DomTron

New member
My name is Dominic. I'm 21 and I'm a huge nerd. I'm joining this site with my fiance, Who introduced me to the idea of polyamory. Currently, it is just her and I, and her alters (More on that in her intro). We want to form a triad with another girl, preferably close to our age. We've been having some troubles lately. My fiance came out to me as being asexual, which caught me off-guard and hit me hard (huh... rhymes). I didn't know what to think or do about the situation. She had suggested the idea of me seeing someone else but I declined. I was hers and only hers. But when she told about polyamory, specifically triads, I came around to it. This all happened about a week ago, some i'm still really new to all of this! I hope to make a few new friends and maybe something more could happen!
 
Hey Dom, welcome.

Don't focus on some sort of ideal configuration of Poly, triads are not the best way to do Poly or the easiest. Instead learn about yourself and your relationship, learn about how to communicate and how to be independent within a relationship before you start thinking about seeing others.

Take care and good luck!

Natja
 
Hi, and welcome to the site.

I know that polyamory holds attraction to many people who identify as asexual which makes sense because lots of monogamy focuses on sexual exclusivity. if you have limited interest in sex, monogamy as a relationship style itself must kind of seem like a bit of a pointless prize.

Triads can seem attractive, especially closed triads, because they seem to just a teensy step on from the perceived security and righteousness of monogamy, but they can have their pitfalls to.

There is lots to think about, and I would look at some of the triad tags in the search feature. But what Oi could definitely start to consider is what you can offer anyone new. I know you're young but it helps to think about the big things, like kids. Would this rhetorical person be able to have your kid if they wanted one, or would those things be for your existing partner. Or would they be able to move in? Be out to your families? I'm not saying your relationship has to include these things, but if they can't ever include them, you might want to think about what would happen if the person wanted some of these things that you can't offer. Could they get them outside the triad without meaning it ends the relationship?

If you can't offer them the things they need (remember needs change over time) and you can't envisage a situation where you will be okay with them getting it elsewhere and still maintaining your triad, then you'll have to be upfront about that in order to meet someone who will be in a LTR with you. There are some people who fit that criteria through choice and/or circumstance.
 
Hey. I'm the fiancee.

We've talked about this before, all of this stuff. About the future of our to-be relationship.

We have some experience with poly already, as my alters have had their own relationships--where everyone was open and honest and knew about each other, with no compromise of anyone's love. But now, we're looking for someone (or even someONES) to be a partner to the both of us.

It would be ideal for our partner to move in with us. And we've already talked about being poly to those family members we trust (both of our moms, as we're close to them). I would want to be "out" with everyone--family, friends. We talked tonight about how it would be amazing to, one day down the road, have a commitment ceremony with our loved one(s). And, one day, when we're planning for children, we would talk about who is ready to have children (all of us would need to be ready), and who would want to be pregnant--imagine BOTH of us being pregnant! Oh my, so many horomones..

Having a girlfriend(s) would be just that--a full relationship. Not just someone "on the side". No priority or privilege being put on just Dom and I. This is sharing our life with someone(s), and we're taking this seriously. We've come here because, yes, we're new to this, and we want to do right by our future girlfriend(s). We're looking for advice from people who have experience.

So, it sounds like a triad isn't "perfect"--though we didn't expect it to be. It's a relationship! No one relationship is perfect. :) But, with help from friendly people here, we'll figure it out.
 
I would really promote that you've thought all this through in any ads or profiles you make because that's what will set you apart from similar couples.
Good luck, guys.
 
Ah, yes, well, we're trying! It's similar to meeting anyone, though--you've got to introduce yourself so they feel they know you, and not some generic random person online!
..And I'm quite different. >_>
Thank you for the replies, london and natja!
 
You're welcome Hydracorn,

My only concern is the excessive fantasising about how great a triad is (it isn't all that, trust me) and the idea that somehow your ideas of it all being equal etc is unique (again, that is the idealised norm) so, just spend a little more time reading about triads within the community before being so invested in the idea.

tl:dr it is an often sought but rarely practised ideal.
 
I figured as much. Again--it'd be ideal, but I know nothing is ever perfect. And that applies to anything in life. We're open to the relationships that will form, as they form naturally. As for the equals thing? I consider all people in a relationship equal. That's just my policy, and that's how it's worked for us in the past.

We will keep your comments in mind.
 
Again, you (both of you, plural) have an ideal of wanting to meet and have a relationship with a woman you would share. (Maybe you both want to share more than one gf, but let's keep it simple.)

So, one of you is seeming to ID as asexual. So, this woman you both want would need to be OK with being in a non-sexual, yet romantic, relationship with the female part of your duo, but romantic and sexual with the the male partner. Yes? Prescription number one. Where does this woman sleep when she is visiting? Does she get to shag the male and fall asleep in his arms? Does the primary female give them alone time and sleep in her own bed, or does she join the sexual ones after they are done shagging? Or does she lie in bed as they shag? What about jealousy? Lots of "what ifs."

Secondly, you'd like her to live with you. Many people take several months to years to feel sure enough about a relationship to move in together. Are you willing to wait? Will you reject outright anyone, young as you are, to not be looking for live-in partnerships yet? Prescription number 2.

What if the male falls in love with this woman, and she with him, but she doesn't care much for the female? Would she be dumped? Whose heart would break then? It's common for vetoes ("She loves you, but doesn't love me? I demand you dump her!") to go horribly wrong.

Anyway! See my thread on Triads and Unicorns.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62800
 
Hello DomTron,

I know I'm slow on the draw here but I just wanted to add my welcome to the forum. I hope you guys find the best thing for you, be it a triad or whatever it is. As far as the subject of unicorns goes, there's a good article to read: http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/

Anyway don't mean to beat a dead horse; mostly I just wanted to say I'm glad to have you and hydracorn aboard.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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