Hello from a nervous boyfriend!

[Geekymountainman]

Hi all!
So I’ll try to be as concise as I can be with my situation: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years now (woo hoo!) But we’ve only just recently started exploring polyamory. I’ve known that my girlfriend is poly since we started dating, but I’m very much monogamous. Recently she’s started seeing two women she meet online, themselves a couple, and things have generally been going pretty well. We communicate a ton and we communicate honestly and openly. It hasn’t been perfect so far, definately a few hiccups and issues here and there. But on the whole I’m just happy that she’s happy, even if the whole situation is still pretty scary for me at times.
We’re all trying to plan a get together soon so I can meet the two of them and I’m currently trying my best not to imagine every awkward possibility and drown out my nerves!
I’m hoping on here I can ask questions and get advice and learn more from a community that has experience and understanding and that it will help us navigate this as a couple even better.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Geekymountainman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you're experiencing some nerves regarding this situation; not that you are opposed to poly, just that you have some nerves. And you are not poly yourself, but you support your girlfriend as a poly. That is truly enlightened of you, not every guy would be so generous. Also it sounds like you are doing well in the communication area. That's a good sign. Your pending meetup with your two metamours will probably go well, not that I can guarantee that, just that your worries are probably just nerves.

For advice and feedback, I recommend you post in Poly Relationships Corner. It is our most active board. In the meantime, I just want to welcome you, and say that it is great to have you onboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Al99]

Hi Geekymountainman - and welcome to the Forum! We will look forward to hearing how your situation evolves. Please do not hesitate to share any specific thoughts and questions that you may have - we have a number of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly with their feedback. Best of luck on your journey! Al

 

[Geekymountainman]

It sounds like you're experiencing some nerves regarding this situation; not that you are opposed to poly, just that you have some nerves. And you are not poly yourself, but you support your girlfriend as a poly. That is truly enlightened of you, not every guy would be so generous. Also it sounds like you are doing well in the communication area. That's a good sign. Your pending meetup with your two metamours will probably go well, not that I can guarantee that, just that your worries are probably just nerves.

For advice and feedback, I recommend you post in Poly Relationships Corner. It is our most active board. In the meantime, I just want to welcome you, and say that it is great to have you onboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thank you very much for the welcome! I know it’s a small thing, but just getting a welcome from a community that’s experienced in this really does wonders for my nerves. And you’re right on that front, right now my biggest issue is nerves. No matter how much we talk, no matter how openly and honestly we communicate, the nerves start eating away at me when she’s gone and when she gets back. But I’m working on that!
I really appreciate the links as well, it’ll go a long way towards helping me kind of de-mystify a lot of this, and it’ll definitely help out with getting used to all the terms, definitions, and other lingo!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi GMM,

Good luck meeting your gf's couple.

Just a word of warning for you back pocket, dating a couple can be treacherous. Most of the time they burn out quick. Google Unicorn Hunting.

That said, plan a quick one hour coffee date. It will be over before you know it. No need to drag it out. And no need to expect to like either one of the women. They are your metamours. Many of us rarely or even ever meet our metamours except in passing. Civility is all that is required. If you do like one or both of them, it's a bonus.

Try not to think of them as a unit. They are 2 different women with entirely different personalities, needs and desires.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hi all!
So I’ll try to be as concise as I can be with my situation: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years now (woo hoo!) But we’ve only just recently started exploring polyamory.

5 years is a good, long time! Congratulations. (I married MrS when we had been together 4 years - I wasn't convinced it was long enough.)

I’ve known that my girlfriend is poly since we started dating, but I’m very much monogamous.

Was this something that you figured out for yourself, or did she tell you? Just curious! I knew that I was poly when I hooked up with MrS (turns out, I was more poly-sexual and not poly-romantic ... then. I was pretty Aromantic at the time.) He's the one that pointed out that I was, probably, bisexual as well.

What does monogamy mean to YOU? I'm asking because for some people it means that THEY only love one other, and for others it means that their partners only love THEM.

Recently she’s started seeing two women she meet online, themselves a couple, and things have generally been going pretty well. We communicate a ton and we communicate honestly and openly. It hasn’t been perfect so far, definately a few hiccups and issues here and there. But on the whole I’m just happy that she’s happy, even if the whole situation is still pretty scary for me at times.

I am glad that you are happy that she is happy, but I have a few "red flag" questions: Are you only OK with this "scary" situation because they are both female (as opposed to male - like you)?? (This is a Long-Term question - MrS was fine with me pursuing female partners, but when, 19 years later, Dude entered the picture , it was a HUGE readjustment!)

We’re all trying to plan a get together soon so I can meet the two of them and I’m currently trying my best not to imagine every awkward possibility and drown out my nerves!

I'm an introvert so the "meet the others" is a stressful event for me regardless!

I’m hoping on here I can ask questions and get advice and learn more from a community that has experience and understanding and that it will help us navigate this as a couple even better.

Yes! Welcome!

 

[Geekymountainman]

Hi GMM,

Good luck meeting your gf's couple.

Just a word of warning for you back pocket, dating a couple can be treacherous. Most of the time they burn out quick. Google Unicorn Hunting.

That said, plan a quick one hour coffee date. It will be over before you know it. No need to drag it out. And no need to expect to like either one of the women. They are your metamours. Many of us rarely or even ever meet our metamours except in passing. Civility is all that is required. If you do like one or both of them, it's a bonus.

Try not to think of them as a unit. They are 2 different women with entirely different personalities, needs and desires.

Thanks for the advice! I’m sure everyone and every combination of couple or couples is different. But for us personally, all parties seem to agree (my gf informed me my ’metamors’ feel this way too) that we’d all feel more comfortable if I meet them and if they meet me. It’s just our personal reference.

We’re trying to figure out what exactly we all want to do for our first meet-up but we have gotten similar advice; I.E. try to make it some ind of activity or like a game or something else we can all do together to pass the time and initiate interaction and conversation.

 

[Geekymountainman]

5 years is a good, long time! Congratulations. (I married MrS when we had been together 4 years - I wasn't convinced it was long enough.)



Was this something that you figured out for yourself, or did she tell you? Just curious! I knew that I was poly when I hooked up with MrS (turns out, I was more poly-sexual and not poly-romantic ... then. I was pretty Aromantic at the time.) He's the one that pointed out that I was, probably, bisexual as well.

What does monogamy mean to YOU? I'm asking because for some people it means that THEY only love one other, and for others it means that their partners only love THEM.

Thanks! We’ve known each other since we were kids, and if either of us could manage to land a steady job we’d be married by now. Oh well, what’s another year right?
She informed she she was bi and poly early on. We started dating when I was going through some personal stuff, we both were really. She cared about me a lot right from the get go and while she made it clear she was poly, she knew I probably couldn’t handle it in a healthy way at the time, hence the time gap to starting in with the poly stuff now.
As for what I think monogamy means to me, I definitely fall into the former camp. I really only see myself with her.

I am glad that you are happy that she is happy, but I have a few "red flag" questions: Are you only OK with this "scary" situation because they are both female (as opposed to male - like you)?? (This is a Long-Term question - MrS was fine with me pursuing female partners, but when, 19 years later, Dude entered the picture , it was a HUGE readjustment!)

That’s a question that’s been on my mind a lot recently. And trust me, we’ve talked about that a lot. I definitely think it’d be more stressful for me. But I don’t think it’d be a dealbreaker or anything. We’ve found it’s kinda hard to tackle hypotheticals like that as neither us us really know how the other will react to a new situation until it happens. We’ll cross bridges as they come so to speak. In the meantime we continue to talk and talk and talk!

Thanks for the welcome and the questions!