Hello from down under

B

beany09

New member
I am so glad that I found this website/forum. I am 47 married for 22years and a togetherness that spans almost 30years (we met when I was 17 and he was 18). At this stage we had both only had one other sexual partner. To this date my husband is still the only ‘other’ person I have been sexually intimate with. Without going into details (save this for another thread) I had been estranged sexually from my husband for over 3years. My husband is a very sexual person and once upon a time I was too – you know the good ole times where you couldn’t get enough of each other. Three children later my sexual drive and desire was supressed and pushed deep down inside of me. My husband tried on many levels to be patient, caring and plan stolen moments for us but so was my commitment/sacrifice to our children that I put their needs in front of my own ALL of the time. Long story short – 8months ago my husband disclosed that he was the happiest he had been in a long time and was currently seeing two women and he had introduced them to each other. I think the hard part at the time was hearing that it wasn’t just a sex thing that he had genuine love for these women. After deep searching within myself, tears, lots of talking and in a way a sense of mourning for what was – I decided that I did not want to give up on our marriage and that I would be open to…Needless to say our relationship is deeper and intimate on a level that I could never imagine it ever being. We are loving, spontaneous and really enjoy our 1-1 time that is US. Of course I would be lying if I said that it was easy and there is still so much to get my head around. All of the questions like, what details do I want to know about the other women? How that will make me feel if I do know? One of the women wanted to meet me but I wasn’t ready for that. My husband of course is open to me finding another partner to share my love with - as he could not do what he does and expect me not to do the same – if I want to? Do I want to? Where do I find open minded people? My social life is/was all but non-existent and although I am ready to re-claim my life at 47 – I’m not sure what that looks like. For the longest time I believed my husband and I were the happy ever after couple, exclusive, infinite, just him and I. But I am excited about the future and opening myself up to the idea that ‘love’ does not have to be exclusive and that each loving relationship has its own unique quality and quantity. X
 
I could be wrong, so correct me ok? The recap seems to be...

  • You and husband have been married for a long time.
  • You lost your libido somewhere along the way.
  • He tried to reengage with you but that did not work.
  • So he decided to cheat and took up with 2 women.
  • Then 8 months ago he told you he is so happy he did this.
    • Husband has /has not apologized for the cheating start.

      [*]You have / have not forgiven husband for cheating

      [*]You have/have not healed from the affairs.
  • You want to stay married, but with new Open agreements with husband. In other words, the Closed marriage is over. Now this new thing will be Open marriage.
    • You are not sure what new Open agreements to ask for.
Things in blue I am not clear on from your post. Have those things been squared away? :confused:

Are you ok with his former cheating partners being in the new network? Were they aware he was cheating? Or did he lie to them and say it was already Open? :confused:

Basically I cannot tell if you are here:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Or if you are here:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Safe_Enough_and_Free_Enough.pdf

Of course I would be lying if I said that it was easy and there is still so much to get my head around.
Click to expand...

If you are not confident that he can make and KEEP new agreements with you because he botched old agreements? I wouldn't rush to start dating yourself.

I'd catch up the back log of stuff first before piling on new things.

Might take a look at these too:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

It's fine if you want to start over from a clean slate. But make sure the slate really IS clean first. YKWIM?

My husband of course is open to me finding another partner to share my love with - as he could not do what he does and expect me not to do the same – if I want to? Do I want to? Where do I find open minded people? My social life is/was all but non-existent and although I am ready to re-claim my life at 47 – I’m not sure what that looks like.
Click to expand...

You sound like you need to do some soul searching about how you want this next phase of your life to be. You create your life story. Whether or not that includes dating and having another partner? Those are things only you can answer for yourself.

But even if you do not leap into dating just yet? Do try to make some friends and socialize a bit more. That seems like a big area of your life that's been missing. You could have friends regardless of what is happening in your romantic life.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Beany

Welcome :)

from a kiwi
 
Hi beany09,

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Click to expand...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

And there might be a local poly group somewhere near you ... try googling "polyamory" with the name of your nearest major city, see what turns up.

Glad to hear your marriage has been better lately.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Lots to think about

GalaGirl said:
I could be wrong, so correct me ok? The recap seems to be...

  • You and husband have been married for a long time.
    Correct
  • You lost your libido somewhere along the way.
    Correct
  • He tried to reengage with you but that did not work.
    Correct
  • So he decided to cheat and took up with 2 women.
    We had been living apart from each other for 2years. I guess I was in denial about it as being a separation. Definitely not a surprise about the 2 women and when I think about it there were many times he tried to have this conversation with me but I went blank into my bubble - it was like I was living in an alternative universe (really hard to articulate).
  • Then 8 months ago he told you he is so happy he did this.
    After the 2 years of separation and many other family crises - 8months ago we had the 'talk' and he disclosed then about everything that was happening etc.


    • Husband has /has not apologized for the cheating start.
      Yes

      [*]You have / have not forgiven husband for cheating
      Yes I have forgiven him as I don't really see it as cheating parse but a way of surviving - everyone needs people in their lives that love them emotionally and physically.

      [*]You have/have not healed from the affairs.
    I am getting there. It wasn't a surprise that it had happened but it was the quality of the relationships that he had built with these women that I'm still coming to terms with.
  • You want to stay married, but with new Open agreements with husband. In other words, the Closed marriage is over. Now this new thing will be Open marriage.
    Yes
    • You are not sure what new Open agreements to ask for.
Things in blue I am not clear on from your post. Have those things been squared away? :confused:

Are you ok with his former cheating partners being in the new network? Were they aware he was cheating? Or did he lie to them and say it was already Open? :confused:
He told them that he was married but what it was like for him and I and that he did not want to be exclusive to one person again.

Basically I cannot tell if you are here:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Or if you are here:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Safe_Enough_and_Free_Enough.pdf
I think I am here


If you are not confident that he can make and KEEP new agreements with you because he botched old agreements? I wouldn't rush to start dating yourself.

I'd catch up the back log of stuff first before piling on new things.

Might take a look at these too:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

It's fine if you want to start over from a clean slate. But make sure the slate really IS clean first. YKWIM?



You sound like you need to do some soul searching about how you want this next phase of your life to be. You create your life story. Whether or not that includes dating and having another partner? Those are things only you can answer for yourself.

But even if you do not leap into dating just yet? Do try to make some friends and socialize a bit more. That seems like a big area of your life that's been missing. You could have friends regardless of what is happening in your romantic life.

Thanks for all of the advice. Each day gets easier and I am feeling more comfortable about talking openly and honestly with my SO about where to from here. For him it is a complete turn around from me sexually and emotionally and we are both growing and learning about each other and for two people that have been in each others lives for nearly 30years - I think that is pretty awesome.
Click to expand...
 
Thanks for the welcome Kevin and I will definitely try and get out there. Believe it or not I am quite a social butterfly when I get started and like my SO we both have a way of attracting and connecting with all sorts of people (just need to get out there:) and the outings that my SO and I have been out on over the last 6months have been amazing...cruising on the Harley, good music, great company and no kids...

kdt26417 said:
Hi beany09,



Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

And there might be a local poly group somewhere near you ... try googling "polyamory" with the name of your nearest major city, see what turns up.

Glad to hear your marriage has been better lately.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
 
Thanks for clarifying some of that. I was confused. Let me try again.

  • You and husband have been married for a long time.
  • You lost your libido somewhere along the way.
  • He tried to reengage with you but that did not work. You kind of went into your own "bubble."
  • So you both decided on a separation and lived apart for 2 years.
    • In that time, he was dating and took up with 2 women.
    • Then 8 months ago he told you he is so happy he did this.
  • Husband has apologized for how things came about. The goal of the separation was not polyamory. (What was the goal of the separation? Were all the goals achieved? Anything still left pending?)
  • You have accepted that husband moved on to date other people during the separation.
  • You still want to stay married, but want Open Marriage in this new version of the relationship.
  • Since you had closed off communication before despite his trying several times to engage, you are now working on being more open and honest in your communication and getting to know husband again.
  • You think you are here: http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Safe_Enough_and_Free_Enough.pdf
  • You are working on coming to terms on what comes next and what agreements to ask for.

Maybe these could also help you articulate your thoughts?


And more reading?


Galagirl
 
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270

Thanks Galagirl. I look forward to reading through all of the links you provided. Its a great help. Love in your day hon.

GalaGirl said:
Thanks for clarifying some of that. I was confused. Let me try again.

  • You and husband have been married for a long time.
  • You lost your libido somewhere along the way.
  • He tried to reengage with you but that did not work. You kind of went into your own "bubble."
  • So you both decided on a separation and lived apart for 2 years.
    • In that time, he was dating and took up with 2 women.
    • Then 8 months ago he told you he is so happy he did this.
  • Husband has apologized for how things came about. The goal of the separation was not polyamory. (What was the goal of the separation? Were all the goals achieved? Anything still left pending?)
  • You have accepted that husband moved on to date other people during the separation.
  • You still want to stay married, but want Open Marriage in this new version of the relationship.
  • Since you had closed off communication before despite his trying several times to engage, you are now working on being more open and honest in your communication and getting to know husband again.
  • You think you are here: http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Safe_Enough_and_Free_Enough.pdf
  • You are working on coming to terms on what comes next and what agreements to ask for.

Maybe these could also help you articulate your thoughts?


And more reading?


Galagirl
Click to expand...
 
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