Hello from Oklahoma

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TheAviator

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Hi there,

I'm Ken, and my wife is A. Lately, my wife and I recently came out to each other as poly and have been wanting to bring a female partner into our relationship. We want to start dating around--e.g., going to movies, playing videogames, having dinner--the usual relationship stuff, but we're not quite sure how to go about finding other poly people. But perhaps this is a little too much info for an introductory post. We're mostly here to learn about what to consider when taking on a new partner. The goal is to find someone we're both compatible with, emotionally and physically whom we can love and who will love us.

As for who we are, I'm into comics and film (separately, not really into superhero stuff anymore), and A is really into couture, specifically lolita fashion.

We'll definitely poke around in some of the discussions for how to go about being responsible. We're happy to be here!
 
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TheAviator said:
Hi there,

I'm Ken, and my wife is A. Lately, my wife and I recently came out to each other as poly and have been wanting to bring a female partner into our relationship. We want to start dating around--e.g., going to movies, playing videogames, having dinner--the usual relationship stuff, but we're not quite sure how to go about finding other poly people. But perhaps this is a little too much info for an introductory post. We're mostly here to learn about what to consider when taking on a new partner. The goal is to find someone we're both compatible with, emotionally and physically whom we can love and who will love us.

As for who we are, I'm into comics and film (separately, not really into superhero stuff anymore), and A is really into couture, specifically lolita fashion.

We'll definitely poke around in some of the discussions for how to go about being responsible. We're happy to be here!
Click to expand...

Welcome and good luck. You are picking the most difficult way to get into poly. There are plenty of threads on unicorn hunting.
 
We are looking for a unicorn, yes. But we also recognize that relationships can go in different directions. We know that it could turn out to be a V or a Z or an X or a W or an A or something else entirely when we finally get where we want, which is more than okay.
We have discussed our expectations, and we want someone(s) who takes part in the relationship, not just someone to share our bed(s). We're looking for people, not objects. We're not looking to closet anyone, impose ridiculous boundaries, or try to force a relationship. If my wife finds someone she wants to be with, that is wonderful, even if I don't connect with that person or if that person doesn't connect with me. I don't want to get in the way of that love just because she and I are trying for a triad. Honestly, I'm not closed off to having another male in the relationship either. (However, he would probably be asked to join the relationship more for my sake than hers. My wife is very strongly oriented towards women, and I am the unusual exception in her case. But I digress.) This is to say that we recognize a third person may not meet both of our needs or that we might not both meet her (or his) needs. That's okay.

All this being said, I do stand by our decision to seek out the fabled unicorn. We both want a girlfriend, and we're patient and willing to date--or you know, just let things unfold--until we find someone who is comfortable with both of us and can see herself loving us as much as we love her. But if our love takes a different direction, that would be okay too. We love each other and we want to love other people too, knowing full well that love takes on unexpected forms. The triad is merely a goal post. If we get a V, a square, a hexagon, or a star instead, then awesome.

We're not poly as an experiment or a way to spice up (or worse, "save") the relationship. We are genuinely excited to be part of the poly community, and we want to make sure that we're going about things in a responsible way that benefits all of our partners.

Sorry for the rant, Vin. This isn't aimed at you. We've just gotten a few eye rolls from our preference (in other communities), and I hear that our position is pretty common for new polys. I just wanted to put this out here.
 
No, that is awesome. Yes, you are definitely well ahead of the curve on this. Usually when a newly poly couple is looking to start a triad they have no understanding of what they are doing. My apology if it seemed like I was lumping you in with them.
 
No ill intention perceived here, Vin. We are cool as cucumbers. Thank you for welcoming us!

With some of the other communities, no one really took us seriously, and it negatively affected the kinds of help my wife and I were able to receive (we were mostly ignored). I just wanted to put all this out there to show that we are serious about polyamory. We have preferences, but we're willing to bend if needed.
Honestly, we're here more on a friendly and observational basis. Growing up, my wife and I were both given models for how mono relationships can work well, but neither of us have really known anyone poly, which is a shame because it hampers our abilities to foresee issues and try to come up with strategies to handle them. We're just happy to be here to love and learn! It already looks like we're in the right place.
 
Welcome to the forum!

Have you guys tried using OK cupid at all? It is a dating site that let's you search for others outside of the hetero & mono models.
 
We are trying, but most attempts have been unsuccessful so far. Also, we are only getting responses from guys, and my wife really wants to meet a nice girl since she has physical needs that guys can't fulfill.
I'm looking into local queer events as well. If that doesn't pan out, then hopefully we can make new friends instead.
As I said, we're being patient about this. Who knows? Maybe we already know someone who would be interested in dating us, and we need to stop assuming our friends are all mono and hetero.
Either way, not too worried.

Thank you all for the warm welcome!
 
Greetings Ken,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):
"We're not quite sure how to go about finding other poly people."
Click to expand...

Here's some links you can use for finding local poly groups and local poly people ...

You can also google "Oklahoma polyamory" or "polyamory" with the name of your nearest major city. Something might turn up.

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Click to expand...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Closing thread as originally from 2015.
 
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