Hello, from UK

J

jaberley

New member
Hello. I'm James, from the UK. New to poly. Looking for some good resources and also for advice, I'm married for 6 years been together for 9 with my wife, we have been into swinging for many years and recently met via swinging a single girl who is interested in both of us and wants more of a relationship than swinging offers. I've been into polyamory for many years and my wife knows however now it's become something a lot more real she is freaking out a lot and even though we are communicating massively over it it's starting to look a bit like we can't find any common ground. The girl is bi as is my wife and they have enjoyed being with each other too and still do but its the relationship with me that my wife is struggling to deal with. I can't seem to find many good UK based resources for things to get ways to communicate and understand each other better, we are all up for finding out more about it but we need to find a way to do that. Hi Anyway, I'm in Staffordshire UK if anyone is nearby say Hi!. J x
 
Greetings James,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So, your wife is having jealousy issues due to this single girl's emotional interest in you? If so, do you have any idea what lies at the root of that jealousy? fear? a deficit in meeting her needs? something else?

Have you and your wife been able to have a calm discussion (or three) about it? If so, what have you learned from that discussion?

If you want I can list some resources for finding a poly-friendly counselor. Which may help in addition to the advice you can get here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Kevin thanks for the reply. Yes my wife is struggling a bit, but so am I to be honest, we've had lots of calm discussions about it and she understands just doesn't entirely get the poly thing and reasons why i might seek out the additional relationship and even if this girl doesn't stick around the issue is out in th open for the first time ever and i think it will come around again anyway. I have thought of finding a suitable counsellor for us both to go to as that would probably help us a lot...
 
Well maybe these links would help:

And even if you have trouble finding a counselor with poly experience, you can still look for a good counselor with an open mind, and then ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

So are you and your wife both interested in this single girl? If so, your wife can ask herself, "Why am I interested in this girl if I already have a good husband?" If she can answer that question, then maybe she'll have some idea of why you might be interested in that girl.

There's also a book that might help your wife, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It explains why any human might have a natural inclination to seek out multiple partners. Perhaps you and your wife could read the book together (such as taking turns reading out loud, then discussing your thoughts and feelings about what you just read).

We'll continue to look for more ideas that might help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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