Hello from Wesley, a newbie

W

WesleyPolyMWC

New member
Hello, from a happily MWC both educated and professionals.

Hubby here and first of all I am grateful to have found this forum and the opportunity to fully open up

My wife and I have tried to enter the world of poly but due to a combination of both nerves and not truly skill how to go about this in a correct manner it has been slow to happen.

I am 6'4" and a muscular 225 pounds and my wife is an attractive blonde 5'6" 36C. We are in the very early stages of being empty nesters with our two children away at college.

It took way too many conversations to find out what my wife and I wanted which is a longterm male friend for both social activties together and sex as a threesome an occasionally one on one with my wife.

The first mistake in this process was by me in that I was the one trying to find a suitable man, whereas it is better for my wife find a man that she is naturally attracted first, then to see if there is chemistry between the three of us.

My wife had dated both white and black in college and her preference for our potential male friend is a black man.

After many numerous failed attempts my wife has met a tall, handsome, professional, black man who is ten years younger than us.

My wife is a swim partner with this man at the health club she attends, (due to my work location I attend a different gym).

My wife and him have had dinner alone with him on several occasions an also the three of us have socialized together and all is good.

I am fully committed to having a successful long term poly MFM relationship.

Yet I admit at times I have caused my wife frustration by at times being nervous, hesitant, or as my wife calls me a nervous Nellie or Nellie for short

I want to leave my nickname of Nellie behind and move ahead with all aspects of a happy MFM poly relationship including sex.

So please I would like to hear constructive insights an advice....a huge thanks from Wesley LOL or Nellie for the time being
 
Greetings Wesley,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think it is normal to have some nerves, especially in the early stages of a poly relationship. You are approaching a huge change in your life, and do not yet know how the new normal will look. I guess my advice is, be patient with yourself, becoming calm with things will be a gradual process. Having said that, it may help if you could dig a little into the root causes of this nervousness. Nerves are a kind of fear. Can you identify what (and there may be more than one thing) you are afraid of? What are some of the bad things that could happen on the way to this MFM relationship you are hoping for? If you can list some of those things, you may be able to take some proactive steps to prevent or mitigate them. If you could list them here on this forum, we could help with that process. Also, talk with your wife about how you are feeling. There may be ways that she could offer some reassurance.

You'll get through this, keep chipping away at it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hey Wesley,

I'm guessing you've been using dating apps as a couple. Hence saying how tall you are, and what shape your bodies are in. You're 6'4" and muscular, your wife is an attractive blonde woman with a 36C bra measurement. Do you want to tell us how big your cock is too? ;):rolleyes:

Just kidding. We have no need to know ANY of that stuff about your physical appearances. We're all anonymous here, and it isn't a dating or hookup site.

It might be pertinent however, to know if you're bi, and if you want the prospective new partner to be bi as well. She's found a guy. Do you want to have sex with him, or just both pay attention to your wife?

Also, can we have nicknames for your wife and her new person?

You're white, your white wife prefers black? Despite your great height, is there some kind of cuckolding, hot wife/bull threesome in mind? Some kind of race/BBC fetish?

That's fine. Whatever floats your (or her) boat. We don't choose our fetishes. But if you're nervous about entering into a hoped-for triad... is your wife humiliating you by calling you Nervous Nellie? Often? So often it's even shortened to Nellie, as if you're a sissy? Of course, most cucks get off on humiliation, especially small cock humiliation, and some like to worship the supposed superiority of the large dicked black man. Etc., etc. If all agree, this is fine.

But you resent the nickname. So, do you resent the whole scenario of seeking a triad with an attractive black man?
 
Hello Kevin and Magdlyn

Thanks for your support and questions

My wife’s name is Kim and our male friend is Greg

I am very masculine in appearance and personality. LOL and honest, standard issue 6 inch penis here.

I apologize for possibly not using the correct terminology. Greg is very well endowed which turns my wife on and I find erotic.

I am not bi but would be comfortable being in close proximity to Greg during a threesome.

My wife and Greg have not had sex yet

She did ask me if I would be willing to go down on her after Greg has cum in her, I said yes since I do that after I cum in her. This is important to her

Kim, Greg, and I have been having more open conversations about all this which has helped me

We agreed that this weekend Kim and Greg will have sex along together and I am looking forward to that happening and moving forward with this lifestyle

Please ask more questions and advice is appreciated. Wesley
 
Hi Wesley, thanks for the additional information. I am wondering if you are still feeling nervous, or if that is going away now? You seem to be looking forward to Greg being with Kim. My advice is to take things slow, a little at a time, and keep the channels of communication open. Let your wife know how you are feeling about each little step along the way. Also continue to update us on this forum as your situation evolves, this will help us be able to give you updated thoughts, counsel, and advice. So far so good!
 
WesleyPolyMWC said:
Thanks for your support and questions

My wife’s name is Kim and our male friend is Greg

I am very masculine in appearance and personality. LOL and honest, standard issue 6 inch penis here.

I apologize for possibly not using the correct terminology. Greg is very well endowed which turns my wife on and I find erotic.

I am not bi but would be comfortable being in close proximity to Greg during a threesome.

My wife and Greg have not had sex yet

She did ask me if I would be willing to go down on her after Greg has cum in her, I said yes since I do that after I cum in her. This is important to her

Kim, Greg, and I have been having more open conversations about all this which has helped me

We agreed that this weekend Kim and Greg will have sex along together and I am looking forward to that happening and moving forward with this lifestyle

Please ask more questions and advice is appreciated. Wesley
Click to expand...

Well, I still don't understand why she'd call you Nellie even though you resent it, and aren't getting off on the humiliation. Have you discussed this?

As far as you giving her oral after Greg has cum in her... my only advice, but I think it's important, is to make sure Greg has been tested for STDs and is either not having sex with another person, or is using safer sex when he does. You don't want your wife to pick some STD up.

So far, this isn't polyamory, but just a cuckold situation or sexual threesome arrangement. But all people in ethical non-monogamous arrangements must use safer sex! It's just irresponsible not to, as a whole network of people could be spreading disease.
 
Hello

Hello, hello

All three of us have been tested and deemed free of any STDs and treat this concern with the level of responsibility it truly deserves

Moving forward with this lifestyle I am becoming more relaxed

Kim, Greg, and myself view our arrangement as a poly relationship. We are friends all around and one on one.

Greg is my friend and do many activities together one on one

While at the same time K & G go out socializing together

I do not view this as a cuckold relationship

As always feel free to ask any questions or give constructive advice. Thanks
 
Well, I asked if you discussed with Kim how you didn't like being called Nervous Nellie, or Nellie for short, and you didn't answer that question. What's the point in telling us we can ask questions, if you don't bother answering them?

My point in asking that is partly to determine how good the communication is between you and Kim. Open and honest, and respectful good communication is paramount in polyamory. It sounds disrespectful to mock you and name call you for having some nerves around opening your relationship. A bit of nervousness would seem normal to me. No matter how erotic you imagine watching Kim have sex with another man will be, no matter how eager you are to eat another man's cum, your old relationship with Kim is over. A new one is beginning. It's only normal to be a bit nervous when negotiating a whole new relationship with one's formerly monogamous spouse. Plus, you are starting an erotic relationship with Greg. You're going to be intimate. Perhaps you don't imagine actually giving him oral, but eating another man's cum is pretty gay, dude.

I don't consider polyamory to be a "lifestyle," but a love style.

There's a chance Kim and Greg will fall in love. That's the "amory" part. Are you fine with that happening?
 
Hello Magdlyn

I apologize for not answering all your questions

I have talked to Kim expressing my feelings in being called a nervous Nellie.

She did realize it was an inappropriate to call me that and has apologized

Yes I realize K & G might fall in love

In my open opinion there are several levels or types of love

As long as Kim and I are in an very intimate and committed love I am perfectly ok with K & G being in love but at a lower intensity level

Thanks
 
WesleyPolyMWC said:
I apologize for not answering all your questions

I have talked to Kim expressing my feelings in being called a nervous Nellie.

She did realize it was an inappropriate to call me that and has apologized.
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Good to know!


Yes I realize K & G might fall in love

In my open opinion there are several levels or types of love

As long as Kim and I are in an very intimate and committed love I am perfectly ok with K & G being in love but at a lower intensity level

Thanks
Click to expand...

You're welcome. As far as expecting the potential love to be at a "lower intensity level..." that's unreasonable to expect. We can't control our feelings. And if you consider this polyamory, you have to expect feelings to arise, love feelings. Yes, they might not ever become more than fond of each other, but they might fall deeply in love!

And then there's this pesky thing called NRE. New relationship energy, aka infatuation. It might already be starting up between Greg and Kim. Simply put, it's a hormonal state in the start of a new relationship, which can last 6-18 months. It can FEEL like love. It's very exciting, very erotic, can make one quite obsessed with the new partner, and make it hardly possible to think of anything or anyone else.

Experienced polys learn to expect it and control it, but newbies often just ride it, since the feelings are so fun, so new, so overwhelming, to the detriment of their established relationship(s). It can damage the former relationship quite a bit, if left unaddressed and unchecked. Maybe part of your nervousness is around the fear Greg will be more interesting, new and shiny, than you? Younger, maybe more stamina and ejaculations, bigger cock and all that.

However, feelings are one thing, actions are another. If you and Kim, AND Greg agree that this new relationship is definitely secondary, and Kim makes sure to not allow an obsession to develop, to not ignore you, stop dating you, stop spending quality time with you, things might be OK.
 
Magdlyn

I truly appreciate your insights and guidance

You would make a great relationship counselor !!!

Greg is younger and better endowed so I am sure their will be a high intensity level of NRE between Kim and Greg

Based on your input I need to adjust my expectations and accept reality that Kim and Greg will develop mutual feelings of love between them

Is my terminology correct Kim is the hinge in the relationship

When Kim is dating / having sex one on one with Greg any advice how to keep myself occupied and not overwhelm Kim when she gets home.

Greatly appreciated
 
WesleyPolyMWC said:
I truly appreciate your insights and guidance.

You would make a great relationship counselor !!!

Greg is younger and better endowed so I am sure there will be a high intensity level of NRE between Kim and Greg.

Based on your input, I need to adjust my expectations and accept reality that Kim and Greg will develop mutual feelings of love between them.
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Sure. Or they might be more casual. Or they might break up after a few months. One never knows. Dating is hard.

Is my terminology correct Kim is the hinge in the relationship?
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Well, once she is actually in a relationship with Greg, yes. A hinge in a V shape. And also, I am not really sure how involved you want to be with Greg. If you're eager to eat his cum NOW, what else might develop? More sexual things? Even emotions beyond a brotherly feeling? If you love having sex with him involved, you 3 may end up in more of a triad than a V. In which case, all 3 of you would be hinges!

When Kim is dating / having sex one on one with Greg any advice how to keep myself occupied and not overwhelm Kim when she gets home.

Greatly appreciated
Click to expand...

I can only tell you what works for me, and for others. (I dabbled in poly in 1999-2000 with my ex husband and we made a mess of it. I'm currently in a 10 year relationship with Pixi, and we've always been poly, we're pretty good at it at this point.)

When she's at her bf's I take care of myself. I cook for myself, or go get some nice takeout. I do housework. I go to the gym. I read, surf the net, text/chat with friends, watch TV shows or movies, do laundry, masturbate. I might go on a date myself with whoever I am seeing, if the stars are aligned. I might do something with platonic friends. I have many hobbies, so I do them. What are your hobbies? What do you do now when Kim is out on her own, at work, with friends, family, traveling for work or to see her family, running errands, or whatever takes her out of the house?

Pixi and I have found that being poly demands a good bit of independence. We both enjoy alone time, or time with others, as well as being super happy to be together. However, we are super lovey when we are together. We hug and cuddle, we appreciate and compliment each other, we do acts of service (I cook and wash dishes, I clean and declutter, I change sheets and do laundry, she takes care of paying bills and keeping all our tech stuff running and up to date, she also shares cooking, and occasionally cleans), we give little gifts, we support each other when we struggle with our friends, families, jobs, or other partners, we kiss, we have sex, we do kink, we watch our special TV shows together, we talk about current events, we vote together, we celebrate holidays, we do house and garden projects, we go out to eat as well as cook together. This is our 10 year anniversary month and we are just starting to plan a little special getaway together.

What is important is to make sure we have quantity and quality time together. We are inter-dependent but not codependent. Many polys don't think it's healthy when monos declare, "She's/he's my whole world." So besides keeping our relationship strong, we both make sure to keep our relationships with our platonic friends good and strong as well. We don't depend on each other for our sole entertainment and support.

I'm currently in a rather new relationship with a married poly guy. He and his new wife have 5 shared kids. So he's quite busy and I only get to see him about every 3 weeks. I am also going on dates and trying to find a bf I can see more often. But meanwhile, Pixi has been with her bf 5 years. Over time, very gradually, they have gone from 2-4 time a month dates, to about 3x a week. She's welcome there pretty much anytime (although he doesn't want a nesting partner and he respects my relationship with Pixi too). So anyway, over time we've had periods where I have had a serious bf or two, and she hasn't had one, to both of us having serious bfs, to now, her having a serious bf and me not. We've learned to be flexible and make sure to talk about our feelings and our schedules at each stage. Just lately with all my dating new people, I've gone out for a lot of nice restaurant meals (mostly, the men want to pay for my dinner). Pixi can get envious of this, so we make sure to go out to eat once in a while too, even though we try to be budget conscious and not do it too much. Her bf doesn't much like to go out to eat.
 
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Oh, one more thing. After Kim comes home from a one on one date with Greg, whether a sex date or just going out, beware that one or the other of you might not want to "connect" right away. By connect I mean, talk, be in the same room, much less kiss or cuddle or have sex.

(On the other hand, you might want to immediately jump each other.)

I vary. Sometimes I want time to myself. I don't want to wash up. I want to leave the guy's scent on me a while, and relive the date in my mind. I want to think about him a bit, what we said and did, and can't just move on to kissing or talking to Pixi right away.

Other times I do want to wash up, and tell her something about my date, or just move on and do things together, watch TV, even have sex soon.

Same thing for Pixi, sometimes she seems dreamy after a date, so I give her space. Other times she's all chatty and wanting to be close.

Maybe you wouldn't want Kim to wash up after a date because you find the idea of her having sex with someone else erotic. Pixi and I have determined it's better to wash hands and face and brush teeth after being with someone else. And wash the genitals before having sex. But that's just us.
 
Hello

I apologize for my short response due to the fact I am at work. Therefore this post might be choppy

Your last two posts gives me a lot to digest and also reread to capture everything

Kim, Greg, and I do have a lot of mutual interests. Kim and I workout a fair amount and keep our bodies in good shape. Greg goes one step further and competes as an amateur bodybuilding

Poly couples let’s say MFM have children? With either the boyfriend or husband being the biological father ?

Kim when she has been out with Greg has suggested I masterbate and cum in her absence to keep me happy and mellow. Which works for me

Not sure if this is significant but since considering this lifestyle Kim has return to her appearance she had in college. Somewhat slutty and sexy form fitting clothes and I love it

Sorry for my short response I will reread your post and continue to learn from you
 
To Magdlyn part 2

I am happy to say I am learning a lot from you and in turn growing as a person

Your statement “
Pixi and I have found that being poly demands a good bit of independence” along with your quote “love withers under constraints prompted me to briefly meet with Kim this afternoon

I told her I do not want to limit her in anyway, shape, or form limit how she feels about Greg and I do not want her and I to negotiate when she has sex with Greg

She was incredibly happy with this and mentioned she was seeing Greg shortly after her and I ended our conversation

Kim is the type of person that has to have feelings and emotions for a man to have sex or make love to them. Kim felt totally relieved that she can admit her and Greg have feelings for one another. Which is the foundation for a poly relationship

Kim opened up more and said her and Greg will probably have sex together today. Her and I passionately kissed and hugged. And my final statement to her was a love you and I hope you and Greg have great sex

Thank you Magdlyn.
 
Hi Wes,

So far you are doing all the right things as far as I can tell. Continue to communicate with Kim and it sounds like you are hanging out with Greg as well. The latter is not required but it can be a nice advantage. Keep looking for stuff to do to keep yourself occupied while Kim is out with Greg. If there's anything you like to do that Kim doesn't care to do, that is the prime time to do it (is when Kim is out with Greg). Hobbies, movies, food that you like that she doesn't especially care for. If you have any. In short, treat yourself when Kim is away.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
WesleyPolyMWC said:
I am happy to say I am learning a lot from you and in turn growing as a person.
Click to expand...

Glad it helped.

Your statement, “Pixi and I have found that being poly demands a good bit of independence,” along with your quote, “love withers under constraint," prompted me to briefly meet with Kim this afternoon.

I told her I do not want to limit her in anyway, shape, or form how she feels about Greg, and I do not us to negotiate when she has sex with Greg.
Click to expand...

Well, it's OK to negotiate when she sees him. It's called scheduling. You deserve your time with her too. Most poly people work hard at making dating schedules so everyone's needs and desires are met. Kim and Greg's desires are no more important than yours. However, I can see a bit of femme dom attitude going on in all this. You may be getting off on her adventure, and that's fine.

...Kim felt totally relieved that she can admit she and Greg have feelings for one another. Which is the foundation for a poly relationship.
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Yes. Good.

Kim opened up more, and said she and Greg will probably have sex together today. She and I passionately kissed and hugged. And my final statement to her was a, "Love you and I hope you and Greg have great sex."

Thank you Magdlyn.
Click to expand...

No problem.
 
Hi Wesley - and welcome to the Forum! I would have replied sooner but have been completely snowed under at work lately - but beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I really appreciated your post - and Magdlyn has given you some absolutely terrific advice. I would also say that although you and Kim are certainly in the process of opening up to consensual non-monogamy (CNM), that it is not really polyamory as of yet - which as Magdlyn pointed out is more of a "love-style" - about ongoing, loving, emotional relationships (as well as sexual - although endowment size in not usually a major factor in discussions of poly, although I'm certain some see that as a nice bonus) Obviously if Kim and Greg click and develop that type of relationship, it could evolve into poly. Regardless, I commend you both on being open, honest, and consensual.

It does sound like you are of the hotwife persuasion - possibly a fascination with the hotwife/cuckold/femdom lifestyle. Absolutely nothing wrong with that - once again quoting the sage Magdlyn - "we don't choose our fetishes". When my wife asked me to open our marriage a couple of years ago so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old boyfriend, I ultimately agreed - and was actually quite surprised to find that by the time they got around to having sex - that I found that the idea of my wife being with another man to be more than a little sexually exciting (not to the point of any cum play, but enough so that she would share their adventures with me while we had sex - instead of the fantasy talk that is part of normal sex play) - and it definitely added sexual energy to our lovemaking.

The idea of the sexual energy generated by a relationship with a new secondary partner (NRE) feeding back to the primary is a fairly common poly concept - I've seen it discussed in the literature fairly often. Some love it, others don't want to know a thing - depends on the partners. And there is no reason why a hotwife or cuckold dynamic cannot be part of a polyamorous relationship.

When I was exploring my unexpected fascination early on, I lurked around some on ourhotwives.org looking for some insights (a forum format similar to this one, but a bit more clunky) Most of it was bit too much for me - but I did garner some good insights as well. You might want to visit there as well if you haven't - one of their sections is, in fact, on hotwifing in poly.

A few months in, I became involved with a partner of my own - but still enjoy the occasional spice that my wife brings home from her time with her boyfriend. (In contrast, my wife does not want to know anything about the sex that I have with my girlfriend, Becky - again, "we don't choose our fetishes").

Again, welcome - best of luck on your journey!

Al
 
Wesley, it seemed one of your questions about poly was what happens if a MFM V wants to have kids? Well, the issues of kids and poly in general comes up here very often. Naturally. Lots of our members are of child bearing age.

You can do a term search on poly and kids or children and read threads. There are many aspects to how to handle kids and poly... not just to do with "who is the bio dad," but many many issues around how to tell your kids you poly (or not let them know), whether to introduce your poly lovers to your kids, to tell them you're just friends until they are old enough to suspect otherwise, whether the kids can be expected to keep it a secret from grandma, or at school. Then what about custody, if they are from a previous relationship, what about scheduling, do the kids stay home or go to your lover's place with you, on and on.

I've had a few bfs with kids. My current bf has 5 kids with his new wife, ages 3-14. So they loom large in the amount of freedom he has to get away for dates with me (or any other activities he wants to do, of course).

Personally I didn't attempt poly until my kids were teenagers, and didn't really get into it until they were grown (my youngest was 17 and the others were early 20s).

Are you interested in having kids? You and Kim are already in your 40s...
 
Hello Al and Magdlyn

Hello, hello

I am so happy I found this site and in turn have received helpful insights from people “in” poly, constructive advice, and a forum where I can truly open up and not have to hide things from restrictive mainstream society

My apprehension and nervousness has been replaced with happiness an hope

Kim and I have been looking for this for a long time and finally all the pieces have come together

I sent Kim flowers at work yesterday to celebrate our love an accomplishment in moving forward

Kim and Greg has sex / made love and all three of us are happy for it

Kim does not want a one night stand nor a FWB

Kim wants a bf and Greg is a great match

As Al worded it I want Kim and Greg to click

Side note how to explain to friends and family when they see Kim and Greg out dating together

Magdlyn I was just wondering in general if poly couples with MFM have children together

Kim is more open to having one more child. I am neutral to it

I want our new lifestyle to be successful. I want Kim and Greg to be in love and form a honest and strong poly relationship

I love your feedback
 
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