Hello, I am a mess. What are you?

Polyglamorous

Polyglamorous

New member
So I have posted about random things here and there, but I really wanted to make a more detailed post. I am 28 years old and I have a daughter. I have only been researching nonmonogamy for 2-3 years. I was going to post about my background so I can refer to this thread for future questions.

This all started out of solution Around 8 years ago, I met a guy. He was in the military. We fell hard, meanwhile I was starting down the path of a hardcore drug addiction. This addiction left me in a bad place for about three years but I was an addict for 5. I have always maintained a relationship with Armyguy. On and off again because of distance and life, but I also had an on and off again relationship with another guy. He is my bestfriend and is probably the person who has suffered the most (besides my daughter and mother) at the hands of my addiction. He too became addicted and put up with me when I wouldn’t leave his bed for weeks at a time except to go get drugs. He blew all his money, went to jail and we both made horrible mistakes together. I will call him Bestfriend for the rest of this post.

Armyguy didn’t put up with my addiction much, which was a good thing. I basically ran between the two making a horrible mess at every opportunity I got. Lying cheating and running amuck. None the less having REAL feelings for both people. Bestfriend is literally that, he is my bestfriend. I tell him everything. I am comfortable around him. The sex life is not that great though and there is some other problems that I will discuss later. Armyguy shares interest that Bestfriend and I do not. I also really enjoy sex with him and I find him insanely attractive.

Anyway, fast forward a bit, I really cleaned up my life and part of that was my desire to have a real relationship with army guy. Part of the agreement was that I wouldn’t see bestfriend anymore. It was really hard but I could see where he was coming from. I had lied and cheated. I really wanted it to work. We dated for awhile, I was sober and I still had issues with the relationship. Unlike bestfriend. He didn’t want to be around my daughter much. He didn’t buy her a birthday present for her birthday. keep in mind that he had been watching my daughter grow up from afar since before she was one. I really missed my bestfriend and I wasn’t sure this was the right relationship for me because of his disinterest for my daughter. Armyguy never fully forgave me for all my indiscretions throughout our relationship.

We eventually split. Although maintained a relationship of sorts with occasional sex. I start researching the idea of polyamory because I am hanging out with both gentlemen. Bestfriend is okay with this. He said he had some issues but it is something he could work around. Armyguy says there is no way he could make that work with besftriend.

So fast forward a little bit more. I hardly talk to army guy anymore. There were things that my relationship with bestfriend really lacked. So I had maintained the hope of trying a polyamorous relationship with a friend of bestfriend. That hope died for a few reasons.

I broke up with bestfriend Monday because I have stated multiple times some issues I had with the relationships and offered solutions. He has ignored them. I have tried to be patient with bestfriend through all of this because he was there for me through a lot and has put up with a lot. The last straw was when he was supposed to help me with something having to do with my daughter and he wasn’t awake at 2:30 in the afternoon. I have been trying to get him to be motivated and move forward with things in our lives for awhile now. He hasn’t, so I constantly feel like his mother.

So now I am here. Completely at a loss as what to do with myself. I have no one to talk to about any of this. My lady bestfriend is now married with a kid and we hardly talk. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I literally have NO friends. I want this split from best friend to last. At least until he gets some motivation in his life and I can get to a place in my life where I don’t feel so worthless about myself. How does one go through life with no one to talk to or no social life? I have people I could technically talk to but that doesn’t feel right. They would be people whose intentions aren’t exactly the purest. I am just not really into that right now. Or maybe ever again, honestly. So on another note, three years sober. Things are better with my daughter and I, I work a lot and go to school.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like part of your new found sobriety is "cleaning house" and changing the company you keep. It sounds like you are on that path, but maybe haven't yet forged new, healthier friendships to lean on. So it's lonely right now.

Could you talk to your mom? A counselor? Are you in a group like NA? Could they be of some support and you complete this transition?

You mentioned that your ex Armyguy and you had some interests in common. Can you go out and meet other people who share those interests? Like if it was gaming and coming books, could you go hit the comic store and see when gaming night is there? So you meet new people?

Something similar?

Galagirl
 
It is funny that you bring that up. I worked at a comic shop for over a year and a half. I really enjoyed the board game night that was hosted there. Unfortunately, I work the nights they usually hold events. Due to your post, it made me think about a group of gamers I liked gaming with. They are not exactly people I would divulge much about my personal life to. They could be a much needed distraction and social outlet. So thank you. I have greatly considered seeking counselling. That could be something that happens in the near future and that’s where I could discuss personal things. Seriously, thank you for reading and replying.
 
Glad it helps some.

Def look into the gaming group for a social outlet. I know it isn't having super close friends, but every bit helps as you start to rebuild.

Galagirl
 
Hey polyglamorous.

It sounds like you and bestfriend went through a lot together but you're now maturing faster than he. What a rough time for you. I think you're still mourning the loss of your relationships if you feel so down that no other friendships appeal to you.

At this time in your life, I'd be careful in picking my new relationships. I imagine myself in your shoes and imagine that if I were to pick 'wrongly' so to speak, then my new life would just look like my old life. If you want out, I'd choose people who are clean, sober and whom you respect or wish to emulate.

Didn't mean for my post to be a lecture. I found myself really feeling for you after that tragic story. It's a shame that Bestfriend wasn't growing the way you are.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
It is possible that what you need most in life right now are trusted allies, friends and that feeling of "family" (not necessarily blood-related) and community, rather than a new relationship.

You're in need of a confidante or three, but there is no way to fast-track that and have it be authentic, unfortunately. Therefore I concur with the others' advice and suggest you go out and mingle; find groups of like-minded individuals with whom to socialise, relax, have fun, and just wait for the friendships to occur naturally.

May I commend you for getting clean and continuing to consolidate on that by raising your daughter by example, going to school, and taking care of yourself and your own needs. The right people will come into your life when you're ready to move forward, and from there a relationship (or relationships, if you decide to pursue a poly lifestyle) will develop.
 
Greetings Polyglamorous,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

In addition to what the others have said, I hope you'll find Polyamory.com to be a place where you can find friends, unshoulder some burdens, and get advice when you need it. Thank you for sharing your story, you have been through a lot.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I have thought how polyamory would apply in my life since it started as a solution. I have concluded that I am polyamorous not just situationally. I think it made sense of a lot of problems I have encountered throughout my life. It made me go through a lot of self-realization. It also made me realize there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way I do. Or that some of my sexual preferences are not that weird. I am for surely not ready for another relationship and at this point can not envision myself being ready for a long time. Both armyguy and bestfriend were who I imagined being in my life and both relationships have been active in my life for almost 8 years. I need time for mourning and honestly, I need time to just learn about myself. I was a serial monogamist since I started dating.

It sucks because all my friends are married and having kids and buying houses. I don’t even know how long it will be before I could move out because I don’t make enough by myself to live comfortably. Ever sense I discovered polyamory, I had decided I didn’t want to get married. I don't know, I guess different people develop differently. I will just throw myself into school and motherhood more. I have books to keep me company. Thank you folks for all the replies. I did not feel lectured. Everything said I agree with and it makes sense.
 
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