Hello I’m Kathy

Lotrkat

New member
Greetings all, I recently broke up with my polyamory bf as he was being controlled by his gf. They don’t live together and he’s been telling her that he had only recently met me when in fact he’s known me for almost 3 years because she made a rule that they could not date anyone they knew from their past.
he’s been telling me that I had dibs on his heart and if his other gf ever asked him to stop seeing me that she would not like his answer. She’s seeing 2 other men and one is married and the wife does not know he’s cheating on her with my metamour.
I was informed by him that they were taking a 30 day break from polyamory and I decided to end it with him. He’s accusing me of being angry, maybe I was 10% angry but it was mostly hurt and disappointed. I’m seeking validation for my decision and healing words from you guys so that I can learn and grow from the experience and be able to be supportive of him emotionally.
Thanks, Kathy
 
Here is how it sounds to me. I am naming the people generic colors

Red? She's dating two other guys.
  • Purple does/does not know Red sees other people.
  • Yellow does/does not know Red sees other people.
  • Yellow also has a wife named Orange.
    • Yellow and Red are having a secret cheating affair behind her back. Orange is clueless.
Your BF Blue is chooses to get involved in that network.
  • Blue starts dating Red.
  • Blue knows she sees Purple and Yellow. Blue also knows about Orange being cheated on.
  • Blue does/does not know if Red sees any other people?
  • Blue minimizes your place in his life.
  • Blue lies about how long you've been his GF because Red made a rule that they can't date anyone from the past and he wants to get around that rather than being honest with Red. (<-- So she has no past people, and Purple and Yellow are NEW? This is how she practices poly?)
  • Blue and Red are taking a 30 day break.
    • Blue says you have dibs on his heart.
    • So if Red wants him to dump you? He'd rather break up with her and stick with you. (<--What is this? Checking you will still be around as his back up person after all this hinky?)
You have decide you don't want to be mixed up with the weird. Blue's behaviors are not things you admire. You broke up with him.

Now he's mad that he is losing access to you and all your services. So he flips it around and accuses you of being angry.

Blue is not treating EITHER of his partners with respect and dignity.

I think it's ok to be 10% angry and mostly hurt and disappointed that this Blue guy was just NOT a long haul runner for you. He just does not make the cut for what you want in a dating partner. Does not meet your personal standards. If this is all he has for dating offer? You can pass.

I validate your choice to get out. I would do the same thing. End it and not just deal in shenanigans! Who wants that?

My only question to you is...

WHY do you have to be supportive of him emotionally? Your broke up. He's your ex. Let it be over.

"This doesn't work for me. I'm breaking up. Wish you well in your future endeavors."

That's all the emotional labor this needs. Then cut contact. If he tries to connect? Play the broken record. "We are broken up. Do not contact me."

Your personal growth from the experience might be to break up and walk away without doing more than that. To realize that some people? You can try to be "good exes and friends" with. Some people? Are best "just exes" that you don't ever talk to again.

You are not obliged to keep on dispensing emotional support labor to your ex even if that was part of what you did when you were dating him as his partner. You are not obliged to do "exit interviews" with exes. You are not obliged to do ANYTHING with them. They are exes!

One is free to make one's choices. One is not free from consequences of said choices. If he keeps doing things that cause him emotional distress? Well, he can stop doing things like that so he doesn't have to feel distress. Learn to make better choices in life. But that is HIS work he needs to do. It's not your job to do it for him.

You could be glad you got yourself out of the mess. Cuz it sounds like (messy polyfuckery + cheating) rather than (ethical and consenting polyamory) here.

Could accept it's over between you and put no energy in that direction any more.

Could thank yourself for taking care of you and removing you from hinky.

Could let yourself grieve and heal from the break up.

I think you made the right choice for your health and well being. There are better behaving people than this to try to poly with later down when you feel ready to date again.

Galagirl
 
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You did the right thing. It sounds like both your ex and his girlfriend are dishonest people.
 
Here is how it sounds to me. I am naming the people generic colors

Red? She's dating two other guys.
  • Purple does/does not know Red sees other people.
  • Yellow does/does not know Red sees other people.
  • Yellow also has a wife named Orange.
    • Yellow and Red are having a secret cheating affair behind her back. Orange is clueless.
Your BF Blue is chooses to get involved in that network.
  • Blue starts dating Red.
  • Blue knows she sees Purple and Yellow. Blue also knows about Orange being cheated on.
  • Blue does/does not know if Red sees any other people?
  • Blue minimizes your place in his life.
  • Blue lies about how long you've been his GF because Red made a rule that they can't date anyone from the past and he wants to get around that rather than being honest with Red. (<-- So she has no past people, and Purple and Yellow are NEW? This is how she practices poly?)
  • Blue and Red are taking a 30 day break.
    • Blue says you have dibs on his heart.
    • So if Red wants him to dump you? He'd rather break up with her and stick with you. (<--What is this? Checking you will still be around as his back up person after all this hinky?)
You have decide you don't want to be mixed up with the weird. Blue's behaviors are not things you admire. You broke up with him.

Now he's mad that he is losing access to you and all your services. So he flips it around and accuses you of being angry.

Blue is not treating EITHER of his partners with respect and dignity.

I think it's ok to be 10% angry and mostly hurt and disappointed that this Blue guy was just NOT a long haul runner for you. He just does not make the cut for what you want in a dating partner. Does not meet your personal standards. If this is all he has for dating offer? You can pass.

I validate your choice to get out. I would do the same thing. End it and not just deal in shenanigans! Who wants that?

My only question to you is...

WHY do you have to be supportive of him emotionally? Your broke up. He's your ex. Let it be over.

"This doesn't work for me. I'm breaking up. Wish you well in your future endeavors."

That's all the emotional labor this needs. Then cut contact. If he tries to connect? Play the broken record. "We are broken up. Do not contact me."

Your personal growth from the experience might be to break up and walk away without doing more than that. To realize that some people? You can try to be "good exes and friends" with. Some people? Are best "just exes" that you don't ever talk to again.

You are not obliged to keep on dispensing emotional support labor to your ex even if that was part of what you did when you were dating him as his partner. You are not obliged to do "exit interviews" with exes. You are not obliged to do ANYTHING with them. They are exes!

One is free to make one's choices. One is not free from consequences of said choices. If he keeps doing things that cause him emotional distress? Well, he can stop doing things like that so he doesn't have to feel distress. Learn to make better choices in life. But that is HIS work he needs to do. It's not your job to do it for him.

You could be glad you got yourself out of the mess. Cuz it sounds like (messy polyfuckery + cheating) rather than (ethical and consenting polyamory) here.

Could accept it's over between you and put no energy in that direction any more.

Could thank yourself for taking care of you and removing you from hinky.

Could let yourself grieve and heal from the break up.

I think you made the right choice for your health and well being. There are better behaving people than this to try to poly with later down when you feel ready to date again.

Galagirl
I had promised him that I would be there for him always, but I believe you are right about what my obligation is. I’m grateful to you for pointing it out to me and helping me feel good about my decision. I cease also thinking that he was projecting his anger upon me.
Forever grateful, Kathy
 
I had promised him that I would be there for him always.

Perhaps that is something else to learn for personal growth. That promises can be completed and thus come to their end. Sounds like you were there for him during your relationship. You don't have to keep going on with that promise as his ex. People who divorce or are widowed are allowed to put down old promises from their wedding, right? So you too can let go of old promises when a relationship ends.

Galagirl
 
You promised to be there always. But, he did not treat you with the respect you deserved. Hold your hand up and wave goodbye. Be proud of your decisions in this.
 
Greetings Kathy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't blame you for breaking up with this guy, he sounds hinky to me. You can go on being friends with him if you want, but that is for you to decide. Perhaps you would be more comfortable breaking up with him completely. That would be a perfectly valid choice.

If there's any way we can help just let us know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Greetings Kathy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't blame you for breaking up with this guy, he sounds hinky to me. You can go on being friends with him if you want, but that is for you to decide. Perhaps you would be more comfortable breaking up with him completely. That would be a perfectly valid choice.

If there's any way we can help just let us know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Thank you very much for your insight. He and I had bought a house together in Nebraska. And I am having a real estate attorney do the paperwork to take his name off and I’ll buy him out. Then I want to completely cut ties.
thanks again,
Kathy
 
Sounds like you are doing the right things, to get closure on this relationship. Let us know of any way we can help!
 
So I’m actually involved with a guy that I have known for 10 years, and he been in love with me all that time. He would never hurt me and wants to make sure I’m happy. I know it’s very soon but I’m almost 51 and he’s almost 65. I dont want to waste anymore time, I feel comfortable. The thing is I still have feelings for the poly ex. I sent him a gif of a guy bouncing a girls heart on his foot like a hacky sack... and again he tells me that he doesn’t understand why I’m angry. I told him that I am broken hearted as he didn’t reassure me that he would be poly after the 30 day break he was taking. If it was truly a break, wouldn’t that include a break from her as well?? I just keep telling him that I am not angry. I want him to understand that his actions hurt me.
Thanks again for being here
Kathy
 
I don't doubt that you will continue to have feelings for the poly ex for some time, breakups are not easy. You might want to consider a 30- to 40-day break from contacting him at all. If you can do that, some of your feelings may simmer down. Right now you're trying to reach him, and he is not listening. He just keeps saying that you're angry, even though he knows it's not true. I didn't realize that the break he was taking was only a break from you. That's just fresh on his part. It shows that to him, you are second-place in his life. He doesn't deserve your attention. The guy who's been in love with you for ten years would make a much more suitable match.
 
I don't doubt that you will continue to have feelings for the poly ex for some time, breakups are not easy. You might want to consider a 30- to 40-day break from contacting him at all. If you can do that, some of your feelings may simmer down. Right now you're trying to reach him, and he is not listening. He just keeps saying that you're angry, even though he knows it's not true. I didn't realize that the break he was taking was only a break from you. That's just fresh on his part. It shows that to him, you are second-place in his life. He doesn't deserve your attention. The guy who's been in love with you for ten years would make a much more suitable match.
Thank you for all your support, it has helped me immensely
 
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