Hello, I'm lost, confused, and in need of advice!

[Attatat]

Hello polyamory community!
This is my second attempt at writing this story, since the first time I timed out on my session and it was all deleted ... it's a very long story... I'm including a tldr.

Here's a summary of my love geometry:
I (a 20 year old, cisgender, heterosexual girl) am in a mongamish relationship with a beautiful, kind, sweet and usually understanding bisexual, cisgender guy who we will call (J). We met in ASU, started dating a week after we met, and basically moved in together as soon as we started dating. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend. He's also taking a semester ( six months time) off school to de-stress and get his mental health in check. While not in school he lives in Seattle.

I am also in love with an inspiring, motivated, and brilliant heterosexual guy who we will call (N). N is currently in a polyamorous relationship with his girlfriend (S), and he is also in love with me. N and S also go to ASU, and that's where we met.
At the moment, all three of us are in Seattle, because I'm up here visiting J, J lives here with his parents, and N has an internship at amazon.

To make a very, very long story a medium story:
I found out N liked me, and he introduced me to polyamory, I researched polyamory, fell in love with it, and then found out that I was in love with N.
I told J I wanted to be polyamorous, and then later that I liked N, and he didn't take it that well.


And here the problems start:
J went back and forth on how much he didn't like polyamory. Sometimes it seemed like he was all for it ( and even wanted to partake in it himself), and sometimes he seemed like he hated the idea of not being monogamous with me. There have been several times where his going back and forth has led me on to believe that we were going to be polyamorous like tomorrow!, but each time I was sorely disappointed.

During this time, I became a lot closer with N, which was kind of inevitable since, with J's permission, I told N that I liked him too. And regretfully, around the time J was on a high point with polyamory, I broke our "cuddling is cheating rule" with N. Now, I've told J what happened, J felt betrayed and I apologized, and I really understand that what I did was wrong, and now J seems to have forgiven me, however he still hasn't forgiven N.

J has never liked N. They've met a couple times now, but each time J has approached the meeting with apprehension and N has never disappointed him. J thinks N is pretty full of himself, and that N doesn't think about other people when he acts. He especially doesn't think that N thinks about J's feelings when it comes to our situation and the transition to polyamory. In N's defense, J doesn't really know N very well, since they never talk anymore !!! and N is in a difficult situation as well. However, it is true that N has not admitted that cuddling with me was in any way wrong, because N would not consider cuddling cheating in HIS relationship.

It's very messy.

Currently, J has agreed to become polyamorous at the end of the month, but with the reservation that dating N at the end of the month is not okay. Which is understandable, but still makes me kind of sad. He hasn't mentioned when or if he'll ever be okay with N and I getting together, but we're still talking so who knows.

My questions for the polyamory community are:
Can this work?
What do I do if N doesn't want to be patient?
How do you do long distance with polyamory?
How can you control NRE enough to make everyone you care about feel loved?
How do you deal with feelings of identity, love and shame all at once?
Am I going too fast?
Am I doing this wrong?
and lastly, if you can give other personal stories which can help me make sense of my own, that would be a great help.

Thanks,
Attatat

tldr: I stumbled into polyamory because I fell in love with someone while I was in a relationship. This was not the best way to do things, please help!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Attatat,

Whenever you log in, there will be a "Remember Me?" box that you can check. Check that box, then you won't get timed out on your session.

Re:

"Can this work?"

Possibly. It's going to be hard going though, and can only eventually work if J stops going back and forth about it.

Re:

"What do I do if N doesn't want to be patient?"

Either, break up with J, or let N go.

Re:

"How do you do long distance with polyamory?"

Long distance is difficult for any kind of relationship, poly or mono. Usually staying in contact with each other a lot helps. You can skype and watch movies at the same time, things like that.

Re:

"How can you control NRE enough to make everyone you care about feel loved?"

With some difficulty!

Re:

"How do you deal with feelings of identity, love and shame all at once?"

All I can do is assure you that it is okay to be inclined to be poly.

Re:

"Am I going too fast?"

Hard to tell. The cuddling incident hints at going too fast.

Re:

"Am I doing this wrong?"

Not necessarily.

Re:

"... and lastly, if you can give other personal stories which can help me make sense of my own, that would be a great help."

Check out (at least the first few posts of) my blog on this site. I had a situation that was like yours in some ways. I fell in love with a woman, and it took about a year for her reluctant husband to come around and agree to poly.

I can answer any questions you may have about my story (as well as about other subjects).

I hope some of the above is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Attatat]

First off, thank you for your thoughtful replies to my questions, I do appreciate the feedback.

I think I'll start off with an update. Since my first post, things have gone a little down hill.
My relationship with J has been, on the surface, swell: we've been laughing and having fun together, which is hard to do when we're arguing about polyamory.

But... N and I cuddled, I kissed him, and we said I love you to each other. I haven't told J yet. I don't know if I want to tell him until after I go back to Arizona, because I think if I tell him, we'll probably break up.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I know I love J, I know cheating is wrong, I know patience is the answer, but when I'm with N, everything else doesn't seem to matter.

Besides experiencing NRE, I think I know why I've been spending so much time with N, even though I should be spending most of my time with J. I think its because I'm escaping from the reality of J being away for six months, and the reality of missing him, and feeling really really lonely. Not only will I not be able to see my best friend and best hugger, but I'll also have to face the fact that I don't have many close friends at school besides him. The one friend I did make is N and well...

I'm not being fair to N and I definitely am not being fair to J. There's a growing part of me which thinks it would be best just to drop everyone, just to throw water on the whole thing and try being single. I told N this, and he said I couldn't because he was vetoing . I suspect a small part of me escalated things because I just wanted to ruin it. Maybe I just don't feel like I deserve to be happy at this point. But that's neither helpful, nor true.

I honestly can not understand why N would still want to be with me, knowing that I'm cheating on another person. N's girlfriend cheated on him in the past, and he still seems upset about it even though it happened over a year ago, and he's professed forgiveness.

This is hard. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but these are my true feelings.
I wish I could come up with a game plan so that I can hurt people less and make more people happy.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm not being fair to N and I definitely am not being fair to J. There's a growing part of me which thinks it would be best just to drop everyone, just to throw water on the whole thing and try being single.

This is hard. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but these are my true feelings.

FWIW? If your true feelings are you wanting to break up with J at this time? And stop seeing N until you form a bigger social circle so you aren't latching on to him just because he's there?

Go ahead and end it. You can always get back together with J when the LDR period is over if you both want to date again. You can always date N again later after you have sorted out your social circle if you both want to date again.

Don't confuse what feels "urgent" in the short term with what is "important" and "healthiest" for your long term health.

At this point in time you seem to see that it's a messy / not good situation. You don't know yet what the best solution is, but you could stop ADDING to the "ugh" pile. Take a step back and take a break to assess.

I wish I could come up with a game plan so that I can hurt people less and make more people happy.

I think that plan DOES hurt people less. It's a bummer to break up, but all can cope. You are all adults. Some feelings are fun to feel, some are not so fun. Emotional weather is just weather. Sunny days or rainy skies? They all pass in time.

Taking a break and giving everyone time? That way everyone can do their personal growth stuff and work on themselves. And then in the near future when everyone is more able to be present as more solid partners... THEN see where things might go next.

It's better than continuing the mess and continuing to treat them (and yourself) poorly. Take a chance.

Galagirl

 

[Infinity]

Hi,

I'm new to poly too. But I want to speak up because have been in a similar situation to you in the past. About 10 years ago, I realised I was poly. I didn't really research it much, but told my then partner about my feelings and we agreed to give it a go. He was similar to your J - went back and forth on whether he wanted to be poly. What that meant to me, was I was a bit like a puppet on a string - I was poly if he was, and I wasn't if he wasn't. Over a few months, he went back and forth so much that I got sick of it and broke up with him.

What I learned is this:

Whether or not your current partner is:
(a) poly himself
or
(b) mono himself, but OK with dating a poly person
or
(c) mono himself, and only ok with another mono

is a *separate* issue to whether or not YOU are:

(a) definitely poly, and only ok being in a relationship where you can act on that
or
(b) definitely poly, and ok being in a relationship where you are behaving mono to some extent (e.g. you have the need to communicate about your poly desires, but not to act on them for example)
or
(c) unsure if you're poly, but like the idea and want the freedom explore it (either in theory, or in practise)

Now, you seem to base a LOT of what you are doing and feeling on how much J is, or is not, ok with. And Because what J is ok with changes from week to week, this leaves you a bit like I was - a puppet on a string.

My suggestion to you - what *I* would have done 10 years ago if I knew what I know now, is:

Take the strings off yourself. By that, I don't mean go and have sexy times with N right now, because that will be hurtful to all involved. What I mean is, stop basing how YOU feel and what YOU choose to do and how YOU want your relationships structures, based on what J, or even N, are doing. J and N are just the people in your life *at the moment*. In 10 or 20 or 30 years, there will likely be different people. So it's a good idea to have a sense of who you are and what YOU want, apart from the relationship configurations preferred by people around you.

So basically, you're making the choice to explore (in theory, not in practise), what YOU would like, and put the preferences of J and N on the shelf for now. You come back to them once YOU have decided.

Then, step back from J and N and really have a good think about what you want. Are you poly? Just exploring? And how much have you researched / read about what poly looks like? What are your needs to be able to explore?

You could even say to J and N during this time:

"J - I need to work out what *I* want in a relationship. Once I have done that, we can figure out if what I need is compatible with what you need. For now, I am not going to act on any more stuff with N, until you and I have clearly decided our agreements (if we stay together). I am going to be reading / researching poly for (timeframe? 3 months, perhaps?). After that, I'll let you know what I need and we can talk about whether we're compatible for that going forward.

"N - I really like the idea of poly. However, my current relationship is not ready to be opened up. J is not fully on board with the idea. I need to work out how important being actively poly is *to me*. So I'm not going to go any further in our relationship than friendship *for now*. J and I will talk in (3 months?) after I have researched poly and told him what I need. After that, we might break up if we're not compatible or we may work towards opening our relationship, or we may even stay mono. I'll let you know where I'm at after that time, and we can see if we'd like to start dating, if the feelings are still there and if my current relationship agreements are compatible with it."

One thing to realise:

I've read on this website, over and over, that if your partner is not a "joyful yes" to poly, then it's not the time to open a relationship. J does not sound like a "joyful yes" to me. He sounds like he is interested, but also fearful. And you do not sound like a "joyful yes" either, otherwise you would be basing your decision of what to do on what *you* want, rather than on what J wants, because you'd be so sure poly is a part of who you are, that you wouldn't be hesitant about what to do. You would be saying "J, I am poly. I only participate in relationships where that is ok with my partners. Are you ok with this? If no, we split. If yes, we stay together and I date others too".

I would really take the time to see where you stand and get certain about it. J isn't going anywhere, and N probably won't - if he's a true friend, he'll still be around in 3 months, 6 months, or however long it takes you to decide.

Just realise that the decision in yours. Not J's. If you want to date poly from now on, tell J and then let him decide whether he stays around or not.

(Research is also valuable because then when you go to J and say "I have realized I need to have only XYZ type of relationships", you can tell him whether that means he would be your primary and others only secondary, or whether you mean you would be having other primary partners too and what that would look like for him. You can be really clear and upfront about what you are offering and then he decides whether he wants to stay with you or not. But you need to be the one to do the research and decide for you - J won't because he's not really on board at the moment. He's agreeing to open under duress, probably because he doesn't want to lose you).

 

[Infinity]

What GalaGirl said as well. Gosh, she has such a good, clear, succinct way of putting things And more experience in poly than me.

The point I was wanting to make, was not the plan of action I suggested. That's just *one* option. Of course, breaking up with J is another option - if you can see you're not compatible now, why drag it out?

My point was, it's good to take the time to find out what YOU want and need in a relationship, and then only enter into (or stay in) relationships where your partner / partners are ok, on board and happy with that Don't try and fit yourself into a round hole if you're a square peg. Don't try and force yourself into a mono relationship if you're poly, just like J shouldn't be forcing himself into a poly relationship if he's mono.

And, if J is sad, because you two are not compatible, that's not your fault. It's sad, but it's sad with no blame.

Imagine if you were writing this post because you realised you're gay, and therefore were questioning whether you could force yourself to stay with a man. If you broke up with him, that wouldn't be your 'fault', would it? It would just be unfortunate that you're not compatible. In the same way, if you're poly and he wants mono only relationship, it's unfortunate but it's no one's fault that people hurt from the break-up.

 

[Attatat]

Galagirl and Infinity, you are both amazing, amazing, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, hearing your advice has really given me hope and at least some sort of direction.

Galagirl - Reading your words was like listening to the tiny voice in the back of my head start yelling at me XD. I really think that's all I need to say.

Infinity- I actually have been doing a lot of research, especially following more than two and kimchi cuddles. Polyamory is definitely something I want for my life. I don't know if that means I can be happy in a monogamous relationship with some reservations or not, but I think that if I did break up with J, I would want my future relationships to be poly.

I'm still not sure what course of action I will take in the immediate future, but I feel more confident that it will be the right one. I'll keep updating here, hopefully with better news!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, welcome to the board and good luck sorting things out! It's harder to be poly at a younger age, since one is still figuring out one's needs and personality in general. But if you're poly, you're poly, and it's better to admit it now, and work on how to find partners who are self aware, and good at the kind of top notch communication it take to do poly well, to tone down NRE, to avoid jealousy and develop compersion, do scheduling, etc etc.

Could you make up nicknames for J and N? You'll get more people reading your posts if you do. Initials are so hard to remember.