None of this is easy but in my mind the situation is that we have some obstacles (or whatever you want to call it) in our relationship and rather than give up with what we have built over the past 15 years we need to figure out how to overcome these 'obstacles' in a way that we are both happy with and move forward.
Long time couples can sometimes get enmeshed. Some detangling a little bit might help conversations go smoother.
One of the obstacles may be re-learning to be your own people. Stop talking for each other/thinking you know the other one. Actually LISTEN.
Let each one have their own voice. Check in so there's no miscommunication. Because this whole thing happened because one thought one thing and the other thought another and LO! Not on the same page after all.
Even something like "Ok, now repeat back what I just said so I know you got it how I meant it" -- to help check in that you are indeed on the same page about something.
Also be mindful about speaking only for you and taking personal responsibility for your own actions.
Pigwidgeon said:
He says that me sleeping with someone else gave us the push we needed to make our relationship better, which it absolutely has. I say, let’s keep it up then, it works! He says we’ve had enough of a push now so I shouldn’t want/need it again.
Dangermouse can only speak for himself. If he's had enough of a push for now? And doesn't want more at this time? That is fair. He can state where he stands right now. Pigwidgeon could really HEAR that.
For him to speak for the couple? That leaves out Pigwidgeon's voice. Dangermouse could hear that.
Pigwidgeon said:
I am willing to not act on this going forward but that isn’t going to stop me from wanting it or resenting him for not letting me.
Pigwidgeon can speak for herself. You still want it. You won't act on it right now. But Pigwidgeon, you cannot resent him for not wanting it too. Dangermouse is his
own person. He doesn't
have to be into the same things as you. Just like you do not have to be into what he is into.
You cannot resent him "for not letting you." He is not your parent or something. If he doesn't want to participate in an open/poly relationship? That's ok for him to say. His willingness to participate in things belongs to him. He gets to give consent.
If you grow resentful because
you choose to stay on and on participating in a monogamous marriage when you don't really want that any more? You consent to participate in things belongs to you. That is your choice. Rather than resent him? Own that your choice is making you unhappy. Then decide what you want to do about it, if anything.
I think your talking things out might be better if each one is careful about what is "my stuff" "your stuff" and what is truly "our stuff."
Dangermouse said:
There has to be some kind of middle ground. I haven't closed the door on her desire for 'friends with benefits' I just can't seem to accept it at the moment. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be able to accept it. If I can change my mindset then I will, it just seems to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Dangermouse, you don't sound
unwilling to examine your core beliefs to see if any of can change. More like you want this initial shock to wear off first and have a break first. Not just leap in. That's fair. Perhaps these sheets help you think it out when ready.
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
And these for more reading...
http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/polyhowto.html
But if after consideration and deliberation you find out that you each still have different ideas, values, and beliefs around this? Don't bend into pretzels just to keep the marriage going like "just going through the motions" with your hearts not really into it any more. You each may have to accept that you have become fundamentally incompatible for sharing romance/marriage together at that point. So if it ends up swinging that way, be prepared to change the conversation to "How can we be together forever in a different way
other than married then?"
Don't bend yourselves into pretzels to "save the marriage." Save the health and well being of the people instead. So each one can be their authentic self without getting all twisted up inside.
Dangermouse said:
She is willing to compromise and so am I but we have to do it at a pace where we are comfortable with each other and can accept what is happening otherwise I think it will cause irreparable damage.
"Compromise" as a conflict resolution tool to me is for small stuff. Me and kid want the last popsicle. We compromise and split it. Neither one really getting what we want -- full popsicle. But we live with it because we can just go do groceries later tonight or tomorrow and have a whole one each then.
Compromising yourself or compromising your values? That's something else. So be careful you aren't doing that.
Sometimes parting ways as spouses means one person can be free TO pursue open/poly things they want. The other person can be free FROM open/poly things they do not want. That may be how "together forever" might play out. You don't let go of each other and being in each other's lives. You don't abandon or compromise your core values/beliefs. But you become more willing to accept that you each have different views, and there's nothing to "fix" about that. You each become more willing to let go of the things that do not work like an incompatible marriage. You become more willing to change the role you will have in each other's lives. There is nothing wrong with being someone's "good ex and friend."
Right now it sounds like you are both trying to find out if this is going to end up workable or incompatible in the end.
So hang in there, take a deep breath, and talk it out. One step at a time. Figure out what you each need and if those things still line up or not.
HTH!
Galagirl
