Hello, my story.(Sorry it's long)

O

Olanta

New member
Hello everyone. I'm a 35 year old woman that's been married for 14 years. In the past year I found that my husband was having an affair with a girl from work. I believe it was his first affair as he is a terrible liar. Basically after I realized what was going on I put a lot of thought into it and encouraged him to see where it goes. I'm not so naive to believe I am the only person he could ever love. I've struggled with jealousy during this time but mostly when I found shady apps and such. I worked through those feeling and even let him have her at the house while I was at work. I realized that since they had been talking behind my back he was probably filling her head with fairy tales of leaving me. I offered to leave and he assured me he didn't want that. So I told him he needed to be honest with her and let her know that he had no intentions of leaving our marriage. He did. They continued seeing each other but it got really weird. I wrote her a letter to let her know that there were no hard feelings and it freaked her out. I left her alone but my husband would come to me for comfort when she was jealous over me. He wanted her involved in our relationship and I don't think either of us ladies wanted that. I think she thought she could wait me out but it didn't happen that way.

Then one week she was on vacation from work and he started talking to another girl. They added each other on Facebook and she sent me a friends request introducing herself and telling me she felt it was respectful to add me since she had added my husband. She said she had heard I was awesome and she didn't have many friends here and inviting me to hang out sometime. A few days later she messaged my husband and said her husband was beating the crap out of her and could someone come get her. I had never met her but went and picked her up and brought her home with me. My husband stayed attached to me the whole day and a half that she was here so I knew something was up. I straight up asked if they had been talking as more than friends and he said some friendly flirting. I asked if there had been nude pics sent and he had admitted they both had sent the other pictures.

She has left her husband since then. Her and I have had lunch and I feel drawn to her. My husband is always telling me that she feels the same. There is just something that clicks and I feel connected to her. We have discussed all being together but here is my concern.....she knew about him seeing the other girl at work. He even told me once before I admitted to liking her that she said she would be with me to be with him before she met me (just looked at my pictures on Facebook).I really like her, like if my husband and I split up and he went to her I wouldn't be bothered by it because she has amazing energy. But now I question if she only likes me so that she can be with him too.

I've never been with a woman and she is 8 years older than me. Her kids are grown but I still have 4 children at home. Am I dancing with disaster? Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice on ways to proceed would be greatly appreciated because if I decide to go through with this I don't want anyone (especially her) to get hurt.
 
Greetings Olanta,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It's hard to predict how things will turn out, everyone is unique. I think you have good chances of success, but I just want to add to that, I think you've been very gracious and generous toward your husband. I hope he'll do the same in return.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
My girlfriend and I have started looking into poly because I struggle with monogamy and my sexuality. I've always been upfront with her about it. If you don't mind me saying this, it doesn't sound like your husband is upfront with you at all. We're new to it as well, but I just know trust is a thing that is a dire need to make things work in the grand scheme of things. Best of luck and hope you can work things out!! We're here if you need to talk. =)
 
I'm really impressed with how you reacted to the surprise of these other two girls.

I'm not particularly impressed with hubby's lack of being forthright. I think everyone would be better served with some respectful boundary setting, for no other reason than to prevent more surprises.

Communication and trust = foundation of any successful relationship.
 
Agree that the only big red flag I'm seeing, is your husband not being up front with you. I mean, I'd be like, "Dude you are lucky enough to have a wife who won't hit you on the head or throw you out of the house or call a lawyer, upon discovering you're interested in other women. Could I get a little honesty, over here? Come on."

I had a personal policy when I was practicing poly, that I would tell all existing partners any time I had an interaction that MIGHT realistically (in my mind) lead to sexual contact with someone new, and get their input on it, and then if/when it actually did happen, then I would tell them that, too. So they had the chance both before and after intimacy began, to give me their input. While none of them had veto power, I respected their feelings and voices. If for instance one said, "I'd really feel better if I could meet this person first" or "I don't like that guy, he gives me a bad feeling...I'm not sure he's safe" then I would take that into strong consideration. That wasn't a rule anyone made for me, I made it for myself. And I didn't expect my partners to necessarily abide by it towards me. That was just the parameter I felt comfortable operating in.

I suggest you speak to your husband, as well as any new partners going forward, about what standards of behavior you're comfortable with, for yourself, and what you feel you need from them.

As for whether she only likes you to get access to your husband...

I would ask you to do a bit of introspection on this. There's a thing I call "gremlins"...those voices that tell you that you're not good enough, that nibble at your self esteem. Sometimes we allow gremlin activity to nudge our perceptions of other people, and it's not fair. So could this be your inner insecurities (either because husband has already been dishonest, so you're worried that they are scheming behind your back...and/or the voice that wonders if you're good enough for her to just love you for you) speaking? Ask yourself if there have been REAL signs from her that this might be the case, or if it's coming more from within you. Follow your gut, it sounds to me like your gut is giving you glowing reviews of this woman. And maybe she likes your husband, AND you, this doesn't mean at all that she is only using you to get to him. If she likes you both, maybe that's ideal? Don't sabotage it because of the gremlins. If it seems good, go with it. Explore that path, check out where it goes. If you find happiness on the path, enjoy it. Believe in your ability to deserve the happiness. Give yourself permission to revel in that sunshine.
 
So far it's good. Things have progressed VERY fast. I no longer worry about how she feels about me and I don't think she doubts that I legitimately care about her. Her and I have only been intimate once due to work schedules and my kids but there's tons of mental stuff. She's been around my kids as "a really good friend" and has even had a girls night with me and my 2 youngest girls.

My husband is struggling more with everything than I am. He wants definitive answers to everything. I'm more just going with it and trying to not overthink. The "gremlins" are a mixture of his not always being honest and my insecurities attached to being deceived. I'm not a jealous person and have always thought if another woman can pull him from me she can have him. The dishonesty just shocked me because I would rather be upset for a minute and know someone is being real with me.

I appreciate you all so much for your insight and look forward to being here a while :)
 
I'm glad to hear things are going well. :)
 
It is so encouraging that things seem to be working out between you and her. She seems really to match you well.
Life seems to have dropped the ideal situation in your lap, best wishes in keeping it and no drama.
 
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