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T

Taumer

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I doubt anyone I know will come across this but for rhe chance they dmy name shall be Taumer. I am a 23 year old sexually bi male that has been married to the love of my life for almost three months and been with her for three years now. I married her knowing that we would be polyamorous and honestly wouldn't want it any other way.

I have recently gotten out of the U.S. Army and am currently living with my wife in Texas. I moved in with her knowing that another man would be living with us that she had been sleeping with for several months now. I had the opportunity to have him move out but I did not want to end what they had so I let him stay.

I have a few simple guidelines for our relationship because I am new to living polyamorous such as my wife giving me a heads up the morning of that she will be staying the night with our roommate. And if either of us finds someone new we will tell the other before or shortly after we take part in sexual adventures.

The main reason i am here is things have been rough and i need advice. When my wife told our roommate she was engaged to me and I would be moving in a couple months later he did not talk to her for almost a week. He is currently going through a divorce with his wife who they have two kids and this man is until now a complete monogamous. I have tried (well I kinda little bit have tried) to be friends with him but he is so standoffish and on edge when I am around. He basically wants all the benefits of sleeping with my wife but when I am near he tries his best to act like Nothing is going between him, my wife, and myself. My wife and I talked last night for a couole hours and basically came down to her wanting me to 'be the grown up and break his shell' to make things less tense around the house. I get that he is not some piece of meat for her to do sexual things with but its kinda difficult to show up in my house and become 'best bros' when I dont really have anything in common with him except we both occasionally play video games. If anyone reading this can give me some pointers because there really is no need for the things to be like they are here and I wAnt to do what I can to fix them.

If you have any questions please dont hesitate to ask
 
That does sound awkward. But the situation is new for everyone - not surprising that there is some tension.

Have you and your wife, and she and her boyfriend discussed what level of intimacy you are comfortable sharing in front of the other?

When Dude first moved in with us - I was hyper-aware of how much attention that I payed to one in front of the other. Kiss one, kiss the other. Cuddle one, cuddle the other. As time has passed and I realized that each one has different needs and that it is not necessary to interact with them exactly the same, we have settled into our new normal. But that takes time (and was probably easier since they were best friends before I ever met Dude).

For the first 6 mos or so, MrS wanted to be made aware if Dude and I were going to be engaging in sexy fun times, so that he would not be caught off guard by hearing or seeing something that he wasn't braced for. (Our house has very few rooms.) As time passed, that guideline became no longer necessary. We also have an expectation that we keep each other informed of advances in other relationships and potentials. (We all talk about everything anyway...so this is rarely an issue.)

My advise is to not try to "force" your friendship on this guy. Not everyone is cut out to be best buds with everyone else - despite the fact that you have a woman in common. I would aim for "cordial roommates" first and just be open to responding with genuine warmth to any sign that he is "breaking out of his shell". If your wife has issues with how he acts around/interacts with you - then she should take that up with him herself. It is NOT your responsibility to bolster THEIR relationship, it IS your responsibility to respect your wife, respect their relationship and, in general, not be rude.

It is hard if your wife is used to coming to you will all of her issues, but I would advise against getting too involved in the details of their relationship. She may want to find an uninvolved confidant to discuss that relationship with. (For instance, if she comes to you only when they are having issues - you may get a falsely negative view of him. On the other hand, if she is constantly praising him up and down to you - that can set up an atmosphere of competition.) All you really need to know is that she is safe and happy in her relationships.
 
I have talked with my wife with what levels of intimacy and I am totally fine with anything except walking in on them in the act. From what she told me her boyfriend is not comfortable with me showing any signs of affection if he is present. Not sure if that is okay or not.

The other morning our roommate came back from being gone for three weeks early one morning. My wife for the first time since we were married pissed me off, she woke up brushed her teeth and ran to his bedroom with not even a hey honey or anything. Luckily I was able to sit her down that afternoon and explained what was wrong and she said she wouldn't do that anymore.

I am and have been trying to play nice and let him know that I have no issues with him being here as a part of the family. As a 23 year old man I havent said it word for word and that may be the problem. I have explained to my wife that we wont be best friends overnight. Apparently our roommate thinks I am going to snap and kick his ass but I have no need to because he has helped us out so much this past year.

I feel like he should pull his head out of his butt and see how things could be but my wife says he is not as mature and new to this lifestyle. The guy Isnt bad just its ticking me off that he is acting all butt hurt. Not sure if I should just bust his balls and tell him to grow up or tell my wife that she needs to tell him to grow up (which I have but she isn't keen on that route)

Sorry to be blabbering
 
Greetings Taumer,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It seems to me that polyamory is very difficult for this roommate guy. I think he is going along with it reluctantly, and having a devil of a time wrapping his mind around it. Everyone has their strong and weak areas. If it were me I would try to have empathy for him. If someone is hard-wired to be monogamous, they can't help that any more than they could help being homosexual if that's what they were. He is a square peg and he is trying to force himself into a round hole.

There are no official poly rules about how friendly metamours (e.g. you and the roommate guy) are supposed to act towards each other. The truth is they don't even have to like each other. Acting polite towards each other is good enough. Heck in some situations, they don't even need to meet each other (ever). Yes it's great if metamours can be friends, but it is emphatically not required.

As for displays of affection, I am in a V myself, Snowbunny is the hinge of our V, and she is legally married to Brother-Husband. Brother-Husband is a wonderful guy and is 100% behind our poly life, but that doesn't mean it's easy for him to see displays of affection between Snowbunny and me. Out of consideration for him, Snowbunny and I refrain from displays of affection when Brother-Husband is around. That may sound dysfunctional but it's what works for us and we don't mind.

It is not your job to make the roommate guy become your buddy, it isn't even your wife's job. It's completely up to the roommate guy, and that's the way it should be. If you want to be a friend to him, show him that you accept him for who and how he is, and that you're not going to try to change him. At the most, you could give him a letter (or email) from time to time expressing your appreciation for the good things he does, and let him know that you'd like to grow a warmer friendship with him if he's comfortable with that sometime. I wouldn't push any harder than that if it were me.

The one other thing you could try is to establish a weekly or monthly sit-down where the three of you sit down to discuss your needs, wants, and the composite relationship in general. During those talks you could ask the guy if there's anything you can do to make the situation more comfortable for him. You could state that you are eager to be friends with him, but again if it were me I wouldn't push any harder than that.

Consider the possibility that he'll always want things to be rather formal with you, that these formal ways are his coping mechanism for a relationship style that he isn't built for. Honestly, I'd just stick to telling him thanks whenever he helps out with something -- or even whenever he plays some video games with you. For him, that might be really stretching himself.

I know the advice I'm giving isn't what you had in mind, but give it some thought just the same. I know things probably seem stiff and strained at the moment, but given time, all three of you may relax into the way things are now as a type of new normal. Then the strain and stiffness might fade away.

I hope that helps somewhat.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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