Hello world!

vanillasub

vanillasub

New member
Hello everyone!

I've always been interested in polyamory, although never pursued it, and just today discovered this forum.

Although I've had several deep and meaningful relationships of the traditional sort – what some might call "straight" relationships – that I was quite happy in, I do identify on a very deep level as someone who is submissive in the context of a relationship, and also as heteroflexible or bisexual, aspects I've never really explored.

I know that many who are polyamorous believe stongly in egalitarian polyamory, and as someone who believes in equality generally, I completely respect that.

But for me personally, I've always been intrigued by the idea of joining a vee or triad with a dominant female, male, or couple (MF, FF, or MM), and being submissive or secondary to them. This seems to be much rarer than a FMF or MFF relationship, but I would be curious if anyone has successfully found or built such a relationship.

I also have a moderate interest in BDSM, primarily bondage & discipline (B&D), Dominance / submission (D/s), and to a lesser extent Sadism & Masochism (S&M). However, since I like to live a healthy, balanced life, and do not like pain, this manifests itself as a willingness to suffer corporal punishment (e.g. spanking or whipping), verbal abuse, or humiliation for the amusement or enjoyment of my Dominant (Dom, Domme, or Domina), or to be brought to heel if needed (e.g. as part of being trained). Please note this is all theoretical, although I've thought about it quite a bit.

I realize the BDSM part is not for everyone, and may even be distasteful to those who staunchly believe in equality, or who might have suffered any type of abuse. Please know that I oppose and condemn any form of abuse, and strongly believe in relationships that are ethical, safe, sane, and consensual, to include any form of power exchange.

Vanilla interests include hiking, film, music, art, reading, and learning languages.

I look forward to learning from all the poly enthusiasts here, and wish each of you personal fulfillment in what you have or seek.

Blessings,

vanillasub
 
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Greetings vanillasub,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There is quite a variety of poly configurations, including primary-secondary models which as far as I'm concerned are good as long as everyone is consenting. We also have quite a few BDSM lovers on this site, so that is not a problem. Make yourself at home, look around and see what calls to you, let us know if you have any questions. You seem to me like a smart egg, articulate and considerate. Glad to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
vanillasub said:
Hello everyone!
Click to expand...

Hi, welcome! Glad you found us.

I've always been interested in polyamory, although never pursued it, and just today discovered this forum.

Although I've had several deep and meaningful relationships of the traditional sort – what some might call "straight" relationships – that I was quite happy in, I do identify on a very deep level as someone who is submissive in the context of a relationship, and also as heteroflexible or bisexual, aspects I've never really explored.

I know that many who are polyamorous believe stongly in egalitarian polyamory, and as someone who believes in equality generally, I completely respect that.

But for me personally, I've always been intrigued by the idea of joining a vee or triad with a dominant female, male, or couple (MF, FF, or MM), and being submissive or secondary to them. This seems to be much rarer than a FMF or MFF relationship, but I would be curious if anyone has successfully found or built such a relationship.
Click to expand...

It might help to differentiate secondary from submissive. In polyamory terms, a secondary is someone who takes up with one of an already attached couple. Generally they fall in love with just one of the couple. He or she doesn't want full enmeshment, or to ride the relationship escalator (term for all the stages of a mono type relationship), to the top.

The secondary wants to live on her own, have her free time, not share finances or childcare (usually), not necessarily meet their parents or all their friends, or introduce her Dom to her parents/friends, not necessarily take vacations together, or go to work parties, or pledge til death to us part, etc. She may be too busy with friends, work, hobbies or her children to date her partner more than once a week, or even less.

She may already be in a serious relationship of her own as well, and only have time for a less entangled other significant other (OSO).

This kind of secondary relationship works for many. It's not equal, per se, but it's fair, when joyously consented to by all involved, with clear heads.

I also have a moderate interest in BDSM... Please note this is all theoretical, although I've thought about it quite a bit.

I realize the BDSM part is not for everyone...
Click to expand...

As Kevin said, there are many here who practice BDSM. We are familiar with its joys. We are sex positive here and no one judges (ideally! sometimes things get a bit heated, but we are expected to have good manners).

Being a sub to one Dom/me, or subbing to both of a couple, that is outside the parameters of polyamory. It's something you do as well as the polyamory. Polyamory means loving more than one. You could love your Dom/me, or the Dom/me and their partner both (whether that partner was also a dominant, or a sub like you), or you could love one of them, or you could love neither and just be play partners in a power dynamic. All are fine.
Vanilla interests include hiking, film, music, art, reading, and learning languages.

I look forward to learning from all the poly enthusiasts here, and wish each of you personal fulfillment in what you have or seek.

Blessings,

vanillasub
Click to expand...

Have fun reading and participating!

Mags
 
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Thanks!

Thank you Kevin for the warm welcome. And Mags, I appreciate the clarfication on what “secondary" means. I suppose I could happily be a primary or secondary partner if I met the right person or couple, as well as love a Dom/me and/or sub, depending on the particular chemistry and dynamics of a prospective relationship. I understand that BDSM is separate from polyamory, although may overlap.

I do wonder if I'm more submissive to men as well as dominant women (sort of a "beta" male), but emotionally attracted to and in tune with women, but I'm open to explore and test this.

Respectfully,

vanillasub
 
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Hi vanillasub - welcome to the Forum - and best of luck on your journey! Al
 
Certainly welcome here; BDSM topics are hardly uncommon.

But I'm uncertain what your actual experience is. IME, very few people are capable of maintaining an actual 24/7 slave role for more than a few months. Though there's Romance to it, this is generally short-term.
 
Welcome to the forum, vanillasub.

I am relatively new to polyamory myself and just beginning to explore aspects of kink/bdsm in one of my relationships.

I'm sure you'll find a wealth of helpful, empathetic and at times challenging input from members here. Personally, the feedback and advice I've gotten from this forum has been invaluable as I've been coming to terms with the paradigm shift from mono to poly.
 
Thanks Al99, Ravenscroft, and Lunabunny. Your insights are valued, especially as many of you have “been there, done that”, or are also figuring it out.

Also, a quick correction to a typo in my initial response: it should have read “clarification” rather than “clarfication”. (I didn't see that before the 12-hour edit window ran out.)

Ravenscroft (great handle, btw), with respect to your comment:

Ravenscroft said:
But I'm uncertain what your actual experience is. IME, very few people are capable of maintaining an actual 24/7 slave role for more than a few months. Though there's Romance to it, this is generally short-term.
Click to expand...

Admittedly my experience is practically nil (although in my head it goes back decades, lol). I am sufficiently aware of the challenges of maintaining that role IRL that I'd more likely describe my ideal role as sub rather than slave (in spite of my avatar), as part of a vee or triad, which could take many forms based on what organically develops. I guess other configurations could also be possible, although I'm still learning about that, and my preference would be for the smallest and most intimate circle possible that could meet everyone's needs (and provide some measure of safety and security).

I could go into this further, but I'm mindful of what Mags said about BDSM being outside the parameters of poly, and don't wish to go too far off-topic. I probably shared too much as is, although for me they're inextricably related.

Anyway, I love the discussions and I'm glad I found you all.

Respectfully,

vanillasub
 
I've had a couple of subs, who I've elsewhere described as "attack dogs." :) When they'd walk into a party & I'd hear conversation collapse at recognizing their presence, I was proud for them.

In neither case did I "train" them. I simply asked them to trust their strength, & accept that I lent my strength to them. It's slaves who are trained.

Incidentally, there's plenty of BDSM discussion on this site. You might begin by looking into the dozens of Threads Tagged with bdsm.
 
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