Hello...

ImJoshuaThx

New member
Ok Im new to the polyamorous lifestyle, but always wanted it when i with my 1st girlfriend.. 15 years ago, but now im married 10yrs, with 2 kids4+1, im very open and would talk aboit anything and sortta ramble sometimes. So getting to the point: married with my wife 3 years ago i opened up the talk to have another person or couple in our lives and she was for it. But nothing happened just fantasized alot between the couple next door and a guy friend she met/talked over some app. Bit never did go through it on both. So past month a woman gave her number to my wife and i was all for it text with her see what happens, well 3 weeks went by and theve been talking nonstop seeing each other nonstop and tonight is the first night she is spending the night in a different bed which is fine with me ... the only thing im lost and confused in i feel like a 3rd wheel or left out alot.. im not jealous just trying to figure out what i need to do or whats wrong? Theres more to this but long story and need a little help to talk with someone who is sorta like this aswell at the beginning (and didnt know where to post the whole story for help) im reading alot here and there but wouldnt know what to say besides ask questions on other forums.. just lost and confused i guess (human)
 
I'm new to the polyamorous lifestyle, but I always wanted it when I was with my 1st girlfriend 15 years ago. But now I've been married for 10 yrs. We have 2 kids (4 years and 1 year old).

I'm very open and would talk about anything. I sorta ramble sometimes. So getting to the point: 3 years ago I opened up the talk to have another person or couple in our lives and my wife was for it. But nothing happened. We just fantasized a lot about the couple next door and a guy friend she met/talked to over some app. But we never did go through with it. So. last month, a woman gave her number to my wife. I was all for it. Text with her see what would happen.

3 weeks have gone by and they've been talking nonstop, seeing each other nonstop. Tonight is the first night she is spending the night in a different bed, which is fine with me. The only thing is, I'm lost and confused. I feel like a 3rd wheel or left out a lot. I'm not jealous, just trying to figure out what I need to do or what's wrong.

I need a little help. I'd like to talk with someone who was sorta like this as well at the beginning. I'm reading a lot here and there but don't know what to say besides ask questions on other forums. I am just lost and confused, I guess.
So, this is the first time you're actually practicing an open ethical monogamous arrangement after 15 years of fantasy. Maybe you thought you'd both be dating the same woman. But this woman is only interested in your wife. You are afraid you'll be lonely when your wife goes to spend the night at her new gf's place. Maybe you're envious that she has a new gf but you haven't had any luck finding anyone yet.

Fantasies are always different than reality.
Usually it is easier for a poly woman to get first dates than it is for a guy, especially if the poly guy is married. We have some active threads going on about this cultural disparity right now.
You should not expect details about what your wife did with her gf. The gf deserves privacy. I know you're used to doing everything as a couple, but that time is now past. That relationship form has ended and a new one has begun.
You've never spent one night away from your wife in at least 10 years. I recommend you plan a nice evening for yourself. You could do some engrossing activities with the kids, and get a sitter when it's their bedtime and go out with some friends, for example.
You could get the book Opening Up. It covers all the bases about what to expect when you open up to ethical non-mongamy, mistakes made, solutions and tips.
 
Yea privacy i give them they are both awesome and great friends to me too, its just my wife is the jealous type and she said " i cant have a girlfriend" and its not about the sex yet but the emotional and physical lacking between wife and I but want it from another... its supposed to be open with some rules but not totally "put Joshy in the corner" kinda thing.. i get what your saying though but its the feeling being left alone and dont know if your wifes going to divorce you even though she says she is not going to.
 
Greetings ImJoshuaThx,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you feel like a third wheel, like maybe your wife doesn't need you anymore, and she will just throw you away. Perhaps sit down with her and tell her that you just need some reassurance that she still loves you, and wants to stay with you always. I think right now she is experiencing some NRE, which is making her neglect you somewhat.

Hopefully the good members here can continue to help you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
NRE big time lol so i guess this is normal to feel this way? Would ssk how long this lasts but everyone and every situation is different... Thank you for helping me O.G. i will have more questions and needed advice later in this wonderful journey
 
Yeah she is having a pretty typical version of NRE ... she'll probably have it at least a couple months, maybe a couple of years. Let me know if there's any way I can help.
 
Yeah I give them privacy. They are both awesome and great friends to me too. It's just, my wife is the jealous type and she told me i cant have a girlfriend.
Woah, hold on. Wait a minute. She is declaring the marriage is only open on one side? She can date others but you can't? This is not fair. I would not agree to that. Being the "jealous type" is no excuse. If you want to date others, she can do the interior work to get over her jealousy.

She might be just as afraid of losing you as you are afraid of losing her. That's what jealousy is: fear of loss. Someone else taking away what you have. In polyamory, there needs to be trust. There needs to be reassurances given, by word and deed, that your primary partner won't be left in the dust, that you're now chopped liver compared to the new and shiny person, that you will still get attention, sex and support in your daily life.
It's not about the sex yet, but the emotional and physical lacking between wife and me.
It sounds like you are truly being neglected. NRE is no excuse. She'll lose you if she doesn't give you any attention anymore.
but want it from another... its supposed to be open with some rules but not totally "put Joshy in the corner" kinda thing.. i get what your saying though but its the feeling being left alone and not knowing if your wife's going to divorce you, even though she says she is not going to.
Yeah. You guys need to do more work around this. I recommend the book Opening Up.

Also, you are in "poly hell." Read this article:

 
I bought the book opening up and its on the way lol, got it when O.G. first talked to me and i was seeing it on other threads/comments thank you. And ive been wanting to read that article but sorta got scared lol because i bet i am in hell lol oh geeze.. but ill read it after this.

"She might be just as afraid of losing you as you are afraid of losing her. That's what jealousy is: fear of loss. Someone else taking away what you have. In polyamory, there needs to be trust. There needs to be reassurances given, by word and deed, that your primary partner won't be left in the dust, that you're now chopped liver compared to the new and shiny person, that you will still get attention, sex and support in your daily life." Sorry dont know how to get quote ill read how to do it first time lol

But i agree she is afraid and i am chopped liver . Because ive told her everything i am ok with its really open with me i want her to be happy.. and after awhile its like im left out, every fn day and it sucks. Like them having sex down the hall i dont mind it just tell me so A i dont disturb and B so i can jus say have fun becausei want her to enjoy herselfmakes me feel better but. Dont sneak it i said because it makes me feel cheated on.. think is right word but yea.. because now my sex life is shot and attention is gone. Attention is all her GF in person or on the phone even at work both of them. Always on phone or together.. chopped liver lol. I trust her i think she does but not with a relationship with another person "eye roll" but i know and it sucks realizing it but real questions is what can i do? And just the feeling of being alone to go away?
 
Hello ImJoshuaThx,

I don't think you can just ignore the way she's treating you, she's not treating you fairly. She's handling her NRE very poorly, it is one thing to feel NRE, it is another thing entirely for her to let the NRE dictate how she neglects you. This is a marriage, there are two people in it, one person (you) can't carry the whole load, she needs to carry her part, and she is not doing that. Rather than try to ignore how she's treating you, ask yourself, what are your limits? How much abuse do you think you should take?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I am broken i know this im 35 so since i was about 9 or 10 and no help (if im reading yours right) my limits i dont see it/them, ive been able to just let things get buried and ill get frustrated here and there and let it go.. we set up rules and mine was dont get pregnant by any males (use protection times 10 lol) and im good ..hers is basically no sex with any females. This situation she cried when i asked her what if we did later like much years later us 3 just wanted to have fun with each other she broke down and said "seeing you 2 touch each other---" and balled i was like wtf i didnt mean this month or second so i dropped it.. and now past month i got lol 3 minutes maybe 3 and ahalf minutes in 2 days of sex lmao my life.. this story gets better if i started feom the beginning im not close to what my qand a about i can just talk and go any direction...

umm ive carried the load past 6 years and she did first 3 years and now its my turn to relax but im not having fun lol im alone and getting sad because my mind is fighting what maybe is actually going on and maybe i do need a new thread to put this all out there so i can get the advice from you and right now im calling you my friends because all i have now physical is my two boys and you are my friends and im trying to understand and well understand everything. So if you could and would like to know the whole story its long and ill keep great details out but let me know where to start it. Im new actually to threads and forums always wanted to but scared so never did them because thought i wouldnt get anyone to talk back or just mess with me. But thank you for understanding and sorry all the babbling
 
I am broken. i know this. im 35. so since i was about 9 or 10 ... no help
Maybe consider getting some therapy for yourself? That's a long time to go with no emotional support. Now your wife has abandoned you and you have nowhere to turn.
my limits? i dont see them. i just let things get buried... ill get frustrated here and there and let it go..
You do seem to need help with identifying your emotions and learning how to say no.
we set up rules and mine was dont get pregnant... hers is no sex with any females.
Yeah, not getting pregnant or catching a STD by using condoms: good rule. Dictating to you that she can have sex with others and you can't, she has no right to do this. Although I do not recommend you start trying to bring others into this mess right now, until you get better informed and are in a happier, more stable, more self-aware place.
she cried when i asked her what if we did later, like much years later, us 3 just wanted to have fun with each other? she broke down and said "seeing you 2 touch each other..." and bawled. I was like wtf? I didn't mean this month.
She can feel what she feels. Of course, you can fantasize about having sex with her gf, and she has the right to her own response to that. If you got your own gf she wouldn't have to see it.
and now past month i got lol 3 minutes in 2 days of sex

this story gets better if i started from the beginning... i can just talk and go any direction...

I've carried the load past 6 years... I'm not having fun lol. I'm alone and getting sad because my mind is fighting what is actually going on... maybe I do need a new thread to put this all out there so I can get advice from you... I'm calling you my friends because all I have now physically is my two boys. im trying to understand everything. So if you would like to know the whole story... it's long... I'll keep great details out... Let me know where to start it.
If you would like to tell more about your story from the beginning and get more advice, the correct place to post is in the Poly Relationships Corner.
 
No problem. I'll look forward to your next thread on the Poly Relationships Corner.
 
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