Help, advice for a couple

[Couple in NJ]

We are a 65 year old couple that needs help and or advice. We have been on a few swinger sites and determined that is not the life style we are looking for. Some people that we encountered said that they were interested in what we were looking for but as we talked, it was not what they wanted. We are no longer on those sites and we are taking a break to determine what to do next.

What are we looking for? First, our relationship is solid. We both would like to find another couple to be friends with, a couple we can connect with and be best friends. A couple we can do vanilla things with, boating, vacations, theater, BBQ etc. And to be able to talk to them on the subject of sex. And also be sexual with. We also would like to be exclusive with them, no sexual wandering. We are concerned about STD’s as people we encountered on the swinger sites always seem to be a definitive NO when it came to testing. Why is that? Are they afraid to find out they do have an STD? An STD test cost us $125, small price to pay for safety. STD testing seems to be a brick wall with couples.

How do we find a couple for us?
Is this impossible?
Are we looking for poly, ENM, just FWB, or something else?
Are there others out there looking for the same? If so how do we find them? Are there poly or ENM dating sites?

I’m probably lacking providing you further information and perhaps more will come out in conversation here. And I have not yet browsed the pages of this forum yet for further information.

So for a start, are we doing anything wrong? What can we do? Is this hopeless?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Couple in NJ,

It seems you are looking for poly. Poly-friendly dating apps/sites do exist, Feeld and OKCupid are particularly well-known. It is not impossible to find a couple for you, but you must be patient. It may help to find a local poly group in your area, google "New Jersey polyamory" and/or "polyamory" with the name of the major city closest to you. Sometimes it helps to just get out there and meet people in person.

I hope that helps,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

We are a 65 year old couple that needs help and/or advice. We have been on a few swinger sites and determined that is not the lifestyle we are looking for. Some people that we encountered said that they were interested in what we were looking for, but as we talked, it was not what they wanted. We are no longer on those sites and we are taking a break to determine what to do next.

We both would like to find another couple to be friends with, a couple we can connect with and be best friends. A couple we can do vanilla things with, boating, vacations, theater, BBQ etc. And to be able to talk to them on the subject of sex. And also be sexual with. We also would like to be exclusive with them, no sexual wandering.

So, if you want full friendship, it does sound more like you want polyamory, rather than swinging. But some swingers do end up becoming friends with another couple, doing regular dating activities as well as sharing sex. The thing is, swinging is couple-oriented. Established couples either play with one other person that they "share," or engage with other couples.

Polyamory usually involves more independence. Since it can be extremely hard to find one person to share, or an entire other couple, where the chemistry is great across the board, dating independently is more healthy and much more successful in the long run.

The thing about 2 couples, aka a quad, is, often after the initial rush of excitement wears off, one of the partners decides they aren't actually into their partner in the opposite couple. Let's call you Bob and Carol, the other hypothetical couple Ted and Alice. Let's assume (as is often the case), the women are bi or bicurious, the men seem to be straight. Here are the dyads that need to balance.

Bob and Carol
Ted and Alice
Bob and Alice
Carol and Ted
Alice and Carol
Then various configurations of three or four people, depending...

What happens if Bob is into Alice, but she decides she isn't into Bob? And meanwhile, Carol is into Ted and vice versa? Or what if the two women are not attracted to each other, and don't even like each other? Or the guys don't like each other? Etc. Does everyone break up? Or does one of the new dyads continue, even if another dyad breaks up, or makes things difficult? Sometimes one person will fake being happy to keep their spouse happy and not rock the boat. They might only half-heartedly take part in vanilla or sexual activities, while the other three are having a great time.

On the other hand, sometimes when we have a new partner we can get so infatuated, we start to neglect our original partner. There is a huge rush of hormones involved (NRE, new relationship energy) which causes us to become rather obsessed with the new and shiny person. This needs to be carefully balanced with continuing to date our original partner, or all hell will break loose ("poly hell").

We are concerned about STDs, as people we encountered on the swinger sites always seem to be a definitive NO when it came to testing. Why is that? Are they afraid to find out they do have an STD? An STD test cost us $125, small price to pay for safety. STD testing seems to be a brick wall with couples.

We are not primarily swingers here (although some people here do swing, or have swung), so I don't know about the resistance to testing. I do think swingers can be more careless about sexual safety, from stories I've heard. I can imagine, in orgy situations, someone slipping off a condom unbeknownst to the other players. One guy I used to date who had swinging experience said at one place they played at, his female partner was sitting in the bathroom hallway sucking off every guy that walked by. And no one knew each other's sexual status.

How do we find a couple for us?

You might have to be extremely patient to find the perfect couple. It would be much easier to date independently and possibly do "kitchen table poly."

Is this impossible?

Nearly.

Are we looking for poly, ENM, just FWB, or something else?

That's up to you! Poly and swinging and open relationships are all under the umbrella of ENM.

Are there others out there looking for the same? If so how do we find them? Are there poly or ENM dating sites?

I’m probably lacking providing you further information and perhaps more will come out in conversation here. And I have not yet browsed the pages of this forum yet for further information.

Doing your research is extremely important. Most couples new to poly who succeed do at least a year of research before actually trying to date others. Besides the conversations here, we have a list of resources. You should probably start with the book Opening Up. It covers all ENM, open relationships, swinging, polyamory, what the differences are, and how to practice successfully and get what you want.

Here's the resource list of articles, books and a podcast.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

Are we doing anything wrong?

Well, you're making newbie assumptions and beginner mistakes, yeah.

What can we do? Is this hopeless?

Not hopeless. You can be hopeful, but get more prepared for reality.