Help/Advice for a poly-noob please
- Thread starter TheMDC
- Start date
redpepper
Active member
I'm so sorry to hear this. 
It might do your daughter good to see you at least express something though. It might give her licence to express her own feelings. Even if you just tell her a bit about how you feel. Not an outburst necessarily. My husbands parents split when he was 13 and his dad never flinched, even though he was devastated inside. It took a big toll that he swallowed his feelings. My PN is still dealing with the ramifications of that today.
It might do your daughter good to see you at least express something though. It might give her licence to express her own feelings. Even if you just tell her a bit about how you feel. Not an outburst necessarily. My husbands parents split when he was 13 and his dad never flinched, even though he was devastated inside. It took a big toll that he swallowed his feelings. My PN is still dealing with the ramifications of that today.UPDATE
Wow, so much has changed over the last few months. My wife and I have become legally separated and her relationship with her new boyfriend is progressing slowly but surely.
As for me, I have become sort-of caught up in a poly-relationship of my own. I am the 2nd boyfriend of my girlfriend. She has been with the other guy for a couple years and their relationship is stable and predictable. They actually hope to marry at some point. At the same time, she and I have fallen madly and deeply in love with each other.
The crazy part is that she doesn't believe in polyamory and is almost constantly fighting feelings of guilt. I have tried with very little success to tell her that loving two people isn't abnormal or sinful or any other negative thing. It is an expression of a big and loving heart.
I wouldn't think of asking her to leave him for me because I know she really loves him in their way. I also know she and I love each other in our own way. But she keeps it a secret from the other guy and I think being deceptive is the thing that bothers her the most.
I wish I could help her feel more comfortable with the situation. She's this strange mix of religious conservative and sexual animal. I just want her to be true to her own heart.
Wow, so much has changed over the last few months. My wife and I have become legally separated and her relationship with her new boyfriend is progressing slowly but surely.
As for me, I have become sort-of caught up in a poly-relationship of my own. I am the 2nd boyfriend of my girlfriend. She has been with the other guy for a couple years and their relationship is stable and predictable. They actually hope to marry at some point. At the same time, she and I have fallen madly and deeply in love with each other.
The crazy part is that she doesn't believe in polyamory and is almost constantly fighting feelings of guilt. I have tried with very little success to tell her that loving two people isn't abnormal or sinful or any other negative thing. It is an expression of a big and loving heart.
I wouldn't think of asking her to leave him for me because I know she really loves him in their way. I also know she and I love each other in our own way. But she keeps it a secret from the other guy and I think being deceptive is the thing that bothers her the most.
I wish I could help her feel more comfortable with the situation. She's this strange mix of religious conservative and sexual animal. I just want her to be true to her own heart.
If your new gf is in a relationship and having sex with you while being engaged to a guy who doesn't know about you, this is not polyamory. It's cheating.
Polyamory means ETHICAL non-monogamy. Everyone has to know and agree to their partners having other partners.
If you want to be poly, you must not be in touch with her again until she tells her fiance. If you don't care, and just continue to see her, you're complicit in her cheating on and lying to the man she plans to marry. Not a good way to start married life, imo.
Polyamory means ETHICAL non-monogamy. Everyone has to know and agree to their partners having other partners.
If you want to be poly, you must not be in touch with her again until she tells her fiance. If you don't care, and just continue to see her, you're complicit in her cheating on and lying to the man she plans to marry. Not a good way to start married life, imo.
redpepper
Active member
Agreed mags. In my opnion her guilt is well deserved. She has no integrity and is not poly. I think its fair to say that anyone here will tell you that poly is built on consentual agreements between partners. Its built on open and honest communication, consideration/empathy/compassion and respect. Cheating is completely the opposite to poly as a result.
Check the search engine for threads tagged "foundations" and "lessons."
Check the search engine for threads tagged "foundations" and "lessons."