help before the start of this is ruined.

L

LilThor

New member
Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my problems. I know that some may have insight on this particular situation and may help me to make this better before its ruined.

My bf for 6 years had met someone and started having feeling for her. OK fine. I've told him if he ever did. First I would have to get to know her and even developed my own feelings for her as well. I have to be able to love her too. That happened. All three of us were on the same page with that. We have all discussed it.

Now the problem. Before she moved in my bf and I had limited time with each other. So I made the most of it where I could. We all did discuss about spending quality time with each other.

I have to work early so get up at 5 am. So that means early to bed. But he works late 10 to 11 pm. And I have to pick him up. Ok so I stay up till 11:30 to have what little time I can get with him. Have been doing this for over a year now.

Since our gf moved in that one on one personal time is gone. Even to picking him up. He thinks everything is ok. She gets to stay up with him at night with one on one time. And mornings if they so please. I don't mind at all. But when I ask for one on one time with him its like a bomb goes off for both of us. I'm not asking for sex, I'm just asking for a little bit of personal time with my bf whom I love with all my heart and soul. I have personal time with our gf ever afternoon. Sometimes I have a weekend day off. All I've asked from him is to make an effort to spend time with me one on one. I have made an effort by picking him up alone. But I get this look from him like ,where is she, like he isn't happy to see me. He wants the both of us there. But I need personal time and it all ends up in a fight. And me feeling like I'm nothing without her there too. And even sometimes feel lost when she is around. The two of them are like two teens in new love. Passion I used to have now feels non existent. Yes I know he loves me. I have made efforts before she came here and after to spend a little bit of time with him by myself. But he seems to be content with all three just hanging out and no need for him and I to do so. But yet him and her get to every night I have to go to bed early.

He expects me to ask for time on days I come home early or off on the weekend. And that I have to put in more effort. And he should just get to say yay or nay. I feel he doesn't care to put in the effort because he is content. Yet I have asked for my need of one on one. And that he make an effort as I have done. Like staying up later and going to his job earlier and by myself. And yet its always wrong and not appreciated.

Am I wrong in feeling abandoned, like an old toy thrown to the side while playing with the new toy ( and no I don't mean sex here. Just time) or is there someway I can help this and make it the best forever with both of hem whom I love with every fiber of my being. And is there some way to get him to understand. With out a fight

Thank you for listening to my feelings. I'm truly trying but feel so lost. I don't want to lose both of them.

Lil
 
I'm far from an expert, and this forum is filled with them, so hopefully someone will come by with better advice than I can give, but I will put in my two cents.

I'm horribly guilty of doing exactly what your boyfriend is doing. Most of my dating is online so the situation is not exactly the same, but my wife definitely felt exactly how you are feeling. I've gotten better with practice, but it's still something I struggle with. We too have limited time together and it took me a lot longer to realize than it should have that when we were spending time together and I was constantly pulling my phone out to check Skype I was telling my wife that she just wasn't as interesting as whoever I was dating at the time.

I don't know if you can avoid the fight. We didn't until I realized what I was doing and how that was making her feel. And I never blamed my wife when the fight came because it is my responsibility to make sure that I am meeting the reasonable needs of everyone who I am in a relationship with. (Unreasonable needs are the reason why I don't really date anymore)

I guess the only glimmer of hope I can give you is that, that feeling fades with time and you remember the awesome person that you have been neglecting for the last couple of weeks. Until then stick to your guns you deserve one on one time, and honestly sometimes honest communication involves a brawl. Just make sure you go in with an agenda and drive home the problem is not with her but with the time you're getting.

Until that happens though take that time as an opportunity to invest in yourself. My wife didn't stop dating when I did, and while I miss her when she's in that stage of a new relationship, I also don't mind because that's time I can spend doing the things I like to do.

I think that's the best advice I have right now, if I have anymore I'll dig up another couple of pennies. And if you need someone to talk to feel free to hit me up.

~Rory
 
Thank you. I understand it. And I do drive that fact that it is definitely not her at all. I love her almost as much as I love him. Its taking me time and it is new. But when every second of alone time was taken (not by choice from any of us) but you ask. And the fights. He starts to say things like he did this for me (bringing her in because of my bisexuality) but yet for the longest time he was talking with her and I only knew her as an online friend of his. One whom he had a horror movie love with. Then I found out accidently one night after going to bed early and had chest pains. Yeah ended up I. The hospital. But what I saw surprised me. Cause he was always one not to even think of that. Now I didn't mind and he got himself together. And we both went to the hospital. I did have a feeling he was in the first place. I did wish he had been honest how he felt with her beside online horror movie besties. But I'm over that. The thing that gets me is how hard headed after all three of us discussing that yes indeed we all need our one on one time. But now I'm not getting it. And hr is always thinking that I mean sex. Nope not at all. And that's when the fights ensue. I want a walk in the park, a coffee at the coffee shop shoot the you know what. Enjoying each others company as much as we did before all this. And if sex happens so be it. Its never about her. I try to make sure she knows this. But even she is starting to think she made a mistake. No she didn't. We both spend equal time with her. And time all together the three of us. That's great. But its me who needs something and feels like he thinks I'm wrong for feeling this way
 
Hi LilThor,

I get the impression that your boyfriend has made up his mind not to give you any one-on-one time (other than those rare days you have off). I don't understand why he's decided this, I guess it is NRE out of control. But the result is that you have a problem with no solution. Asking him for more time is always going to start a fight, and it isn't because of how you're asking, it's because of what you're asking. He just doesn't want to hear it.

The simplest (and most painful) answer would be to break up with your boyfriend, so you can find someone who'll treat you nicer ... but I won't tell you to do that, because I know you don't want to do that, not in a million years. But if you're going to stay, you're probably going to need to accept him as he is, even though he is definitely acting crappy. Or you can stay and keep trying to convince him to change, while he continues to raise a wall of resistance. It won't make either of you happy, but it's an option.

I'm sorry I don't know of the right words to say to him that would convince him. You could try using NVC techniques if you're not already doing that. But I'm doubtful about whether that would make much difference. There is of course a chance things will improve after the NRE goes away. But that could take years. Sorry to be predicting so much doom, it probably wasn't what you were hoping to hear. :(

Keep us posted, I'll try to think of other ideas.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
To have a healthy triad, every couple in it needs alone time and attention. It sounds like the you+boyfriend part of the leg isn't getting that. Try to take some space to lay out exactly how you feel, when things aren't so heated. Approach it when you are feeling positive, if you can. Would it help to write a letter?

Instead of saying - you have lots of alone time with her but none with me, coach it in terms of - I need a date night once a week. Can you give me that? Or, I want 20 minutes of your time twice a week to just cuddle on the couch, you and I. Specific requests usually go over better than comparisons, even if that is what is driving it. Decide exactly what it is you want and then ask for it. Then, if he is unwilling or unable to fulfill your needs, you'll know where you're at.
 
Thank you,

I will be taking some of this advice. Its come to a head. I'm not going to break up with him. He is the love of my life. Though some of the things he has said really hurt both my gf and I. But we will work through it. He expects me to do all the leg work and say hey let's go do this or that all the time. So he doesn't have to think about it or set it up himself. Granted hr is bad at remembering to do things he made plans for. But when he makes plans and not let me know till too late and it always involves all three of us, its kinda hard to ask to do something that will mess his plans up. I don't wanna hurt him or disregard some of the things he does great. But the total disregard to my feelings of being outed is what's hurting the most, yeah I get the whole nre thing. Even I have it with her too. But at least I try to make some alone time with him. I go to his job earlier and by myself. Just for a lil chit chat while he waits to close up. Every time I show up alone he gives me a disappointed look because she is not there with me. So of course I'm feeling like he no longer wants me by myself. I just try and get nowhere. I want him to put a little bit of effort and show me he wants alone time too. And that's when all hell breaks loose. Its like I can't avoid an argument. I will be asking more specific. But I will still expect his effort as wel . He gets at least 4-5 days a week when I go to bed alone time with her. I get none. And when he does make some sort of plan hr doesn't tell me so I can look forward to it. Then again all gets ruined cause an argument insues. I will be writing my feelings down from now on. At least he can't argue with a letter. Maybe write it and set it out before work and he has all day to co template. Thank you all.
 
A letter sounds like a good idea. I must say, I can hear your frustration in your posts. Sorry you're having to deal with that.
 
I am sorry you struggle with unmet needs.

I agree with kdt26417 that he is treating you poorly. I also agree with Bluebird that time management is a problem here. I agree that you need to be specific and stop sweating whatever time he's spending with her. Focus more on getting your time blocks on the calendar that you need.

At this point in time you don't want to break up, you want to stay and try to work it out.

So my suggestion? Rather than writing him letters explaining how you feel? Take advantage of this expectation of his:

He expects me to do all the leg work and say hey let's go do this or that all the time. So he doesn't have to think about it or set it up himself.
Click to expand...

Take charge and just get ON with it. YOU plan how to handle the time management problem. That solves this for you:

  • You know what is happening when
  • You can look forward to it.

Hopefully is also solves this with a big calendar on the wall.

  • He is bad at remembering to do things he made plans for.
  • he makes plans and does not let me know till too late and it always involves all three of us, its kinda hard to ask to do something that will mess his plans up.

Hopefully it also solves GF uneasiness.

SUGGESTION FOR HOW TO DO IT

Ask if they are willing to participate in calendar talks if you get the supplies. Hopefully they agree or have a suggestion for a time management systems of their own. If nobody has better idea? Go with yours then. SOMEONE has to do something in this household.

Then I suggest you go to the nearest office supply place and get one of those big calendar things and a package of color post its.


Assign a color to each category of time that needs to happen:

  • time for you alone
  • time for GF alone
  • time for BF alone




  • time for (you + BF)
  • time for (you + GF)
  • time for (BF+ GF)



  • time for (you + BF+ GF)



  • time for you with your friends
  • time for GF with her friends
  • time for BF with his friends.


When you have all your supplies, arrange a time to meet in trio -- you, GF, and BF all present. That avoids triangulation.

To start? Just give each thing in a category one post it. So for the "Blue Time Alone" category each one of you gets one. Get those set on the calendar. But know going in that "equal" is just a place to start so each category gets some attention. Do that for each color. The names on the post it get to set it on the board. Ex:

  • GF doesn't get to put the post it for (you + BF) time. You and BF do.
  • You don't get to put the post it for (GF + BF) time. They sort that one out.
  • BF doesn't get to put the post it for (you + GF) time. You and GF do.

Then address tweaks. After a "basic 1" gets set down? You can make those calendar box adjustments for equity.

  • You may find that you need 2x a month with your friends to feel happy.
  • GF only needs 1x with her friends.
  • BF needs 3x with his friends to feel happy.

What you want to avoid is something not getting any time at all!

Maybe a visual aid helps there. It's not about everyone getting the "same" number of boxes. It's about them getting what they need to feel ok.

Here's the benefit to having a wall calendar or similar:

1) You, BF, GF can see what is going on when right there on the wall calendar. You can all be respectful of each other's time on the wall. You all make it a habit once a month to get the lay of the land for the next month.

2) You stop "chasing" him around. You losing sleep just to drive him to work to get 1:1 time? It's not quality time, esp if he's distracted and not present. You are better off getting the sleep! Because he doesn't appreciate your effort. Don't be begging for time scraps. It is not dignified and it makes you easy to be taken for granted.

3) You don't have to chase him any more, because you know when (you+ bF) time is coming. Just show up to THAT and enjoy quality time instead of "snatched scraps of time."

4) He cannot argue with you about it when (you+BF) time comes because he had a voice in putting the shared post-it of (you + BF) time up on the board. If he's so careless that he picks bad days for himself during the monthly calendar meeting? That is HIS problem, he owns it. He cannot be complaining to you later. He could have said "No, that date does not work for me. How about X date instead?" during planning time and take more responsibility for his own time management.

5) If he's he keeps blowing you off month and month after month even after a time management system is in place? It holds YOU accountable and you stop excusing his poor behavior like it's a one time thing. It is a bad HABIT that is pretty permanent. So then you have to address the fact that he habitually treats you bad which is wrong for him to do. But who is picking him out to be with? You. You could reassess your "stayingness" at that point.

But hopefully with a system in place he straightens up and it turns out it was NOT a permanent bad habit but fixable bad/careless behavior.​

Of course, people get sick and unexpected things happen. But you can put a star on the missed post-it. Catch up any March that got wonky before setting some basic April down.

Whether you do it on paper like I suggested or on Google calendar or an app or whatever tool? Get ON with making the time management system for this triad household.

It's just a fact of life. People living in the same house, people dating, people at work -- calendars have to happen. So set aside time to DO calendar management in order for things to go smoothly.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you gala.

I will invest in the calander. Buy one thing is. I have to pick him up from work. He can't drive. Neither does she. I am the only one who does. And we have one car. So yes this is something I have to do.
 
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