Help dealing with parents outside the "know"

D

Dysnomia

New member
Hi--I've been in a triad for 3 years, which turned into a female-male-female V a little over a year ago. We've all been friends since 2007. My SO is the man, and I used to date his wife as well.

The short story is that my SO and his wife have been together for 15 years, married for the latter 5, but he's been unhappy since before they got married. Not super unhappy, but growing more so as we've matured and grown out of the high school/college sweetheart phase and into the working adults who actually need to count on each other to accomplish major tasks and goals.

Up until the last couple of months I have been supportive of them trying to reconcile help us stay in a V--it is my preference, even though my former girlfriend and I don't get along very well anymore--but it looks like they are going to get a divorce after all.

We're all in our thirties or close to it, but none of our collective parents are aware or accepting of poly relationships. It's going to get ugly when the divorce goes through because it won't be amicable or mutual and I'm afraid of how his parents and my former girlfriend's parents will handle the break up. That, and I'm afraid of how vindictive my ex can be and I think she will sue my SO for infidelity, even though we've been openly poly with our friends.

Any advice for how to broach the topic with parents and deal with legal proceedings would be helpful, along with words of support or comments from anyone who's ever been in a similar situation.

Thanks everyone.
 
Geeze Louise, why would you tell the parents anything at this point? What's that going to accomplish?

The time to inform parents of polyamorous relationships is when they're rosy good, when you can show them how happy everyone is and how well all the metas get along. At this point, anything you could say will only reinforce their likely opinion that this polyamory thing was a big mistake, because the relationship is "obviously" imploding because of it, and most non-poly-friendly people will use that to justify their belief that polyamory is unethical.

As for infidelity litigation, make it known that if it comes to that, you're willing to testify in court that you were also in a relationship with the wife, and therefore she's just as guilty as he is. Do you have any physical evidence of your relationship with the wife? e-mails expressing romantic affection or referring to physical interactions? Photos of the three of you (or just you and her) in a "compromising" situation?
 
We have lots of pictures of the three of us as well as just her and me, but we were very careful not to take any photos that could be damaging because we (me especially) werein a position where it could have hurt my employment status. I should still have messages and the like from Facebook that can corroborate our relationship with each other, though.

It's just hideous, to be honest. I have no idea how bad it could get and my former girlfriend seems to be blaming me for everything that's wrong in their relationship. I've been trying to keep them *together* or find a way to work through it, for Pete's sake.

Ideally, we wouldn't have to say anything about our poly relationship for exactly the reasons you stated, but I have the feeling that when the break comes my ex will try to be as punishing and vindictive as possible. I hope not, but everything I've seen and a mutual friend has advised me to be prepared for it.

*Edited for typo.
 
Been there, done that--almost exactly, actually--and it definitely sucks. There's not a lot you can do about it--you can't control other people's reactions or their desired take on reality. My ex's family, as well as my ex, pretty much completely blame me for the divorce, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary (all pre-dating me, and much of which caused my breaking up with her). They were headed for divorce before any of us ever met (though I didn't find that out until we all started dating, and it became glaringly obvious there were huge issues). But, it is simply much easier to blame someone else than look at yourself. Her family was the same way, and still consider her perfect (her issues included very serious mental health issues, including untreated anorexia that is literally killing her, that they refused to acknowledge or encourage her to be treated for, for example). And, of course, me a total villain. Because that is far, far easier to deal with than the actual issues like her refusing to get treatment even after several doctors told her she was killing herself with her eating disorder, or dealing with her lack of interest in personal hygene, etc. (No, i am not sure why I started dating her in the first place--it was initially just a hook-up). My threatened to sue for alienation of affection and infidelity, stalled on signing paperwork and drew things out for ever, etc. We really had few options. I let her know that their divorce was their issue, and I would be staying out of it unless she insisted on dragging me into it, in which case I would be happy to appear in court without a summons and enlighten the judge as to the nature of my relationship with each of them (of which I had ample proof). Needless to say, that never happened.

You can't do anything about how things shake out with them, other than to remain polite, non-reactive, and reasonable, and stay out of it as much as you can. My saving thoughts during the crazy were that once she was gone, I wouldn't have to deal with the drama anymore. And, I was right! The peace was worth the wait, and my nesting partner and I are still in a wonderful relationship. My other relationships didn't suffer because of it.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's a long tunnel. Hang in there. *hugs*
 
Unfortunately, if she chooses to go the route of slander, there isn't much you can do about it. Of course, you can take measures to protect yourself financially & physically, and, as others have said, protect any proof you have to counter erroneous claims on her part...but preventing crazy or vindictive people from doing crazy and vindictive things is nearly impossible.

When Blue & I began dating, he was in an established relationship with another woman (mutual acquaintance.) Her background was swinging and she couldn't handle the emotional aspect of poly. She had mental health issues and when he broke up with her, she did, in fact slander him, harass me, and file charges (that were thrown out) against Blue. In the end, the truth came out, the charges were thrown out, and close to two years later, things are going well with me & Blue. However, it did damage some of Blue's relationships, including a couple business relationships (and therefore, cost him money.) Now everyone in our circle just remembers her as the 'crazy woman Blue dated who screwed him over.' But, that doesn't lessen the pain he felt when it was happening or repair the business connections that he lost as a result of her crazy.

I hope your situation ends better than you're anticipating. ((Hugs))
 
Oh my goodness, that's terrible, Greenacres--I'm so sorry you went through that. This situation is indeed very similar, though with different challenges than anorexia.

I am completely financially separate from my SO and my ex, though we all live in the same house (which was great when we were a triad and is more like purgatory these days). I'm trying to just stay out of her way and minimize communication so there's nothing she can use as ammunition, so there's not much she can do to hurt me--even my job now is about as open-minded as it can be for what it is.

Any advice for what my SO can do to protect himself?

Thank you for the encouragement and support **hugs**
 
I don't think I realized you were all living together. That's going to make it mighty hard for her to play the infidelity card... how does she propose to explain how you were living there and sleeping with her husband without her knowledge? If she consented to it, then infidelitous or not, it's a pretty weak court case on her part.

If you think she's a ticking time bomb, then I can see why you'd want to head off the damage with the parents. I wouldn't talk to hers at all either way, they'll be on her side regardless and I doubt there's anything you can tell them that will improve the situation. Telling his parents ahead of time probably isn't a bad idea. But I don't think you being there would help, I think that would make it look more like you stole him away and you're running off together. And if he's telling them, then he'd might as well just put it all on the table: the triad, your breakup with her, and the failure of their marriage. How he tells them depends entirely on how they communicate so I can't give any specific suggestions.
 
What a terrible situation to have to go through. Unfortunately I can't give much in the way of advice, and I don't know where you're located, but there is a wonderful attorney called Diana Adams who is openly poly and defends all sorts of non-traditional circumstances. Perhaps you could find some good legal advice and resources.

http://www.dianaadamslaw.net/nontraditional-family-law

I wish you the best possible outcome.
 
Thank you for the legal advice--I think I might need it. My ex just demanded that I move out (my name is on the lease and I couldn't leave if I wanted to, which I don't). My ex wouldn't even say it to my face--she gave he husband, my SO, an ultimatum that either I leave or else, not stating the "else" part would be.

My SO and his wife had problems long before I came along and even though they agreed to keep her metamour and me out of it, she actively blames me for everything going wrong in their relationship. I won't be driven out of my home where I pay rent, contribute more than my fair share to expenses, and do nearly all the maintenance (because she won't help with anything other than dishes).

So here we are: she issued an ultimatum (not her first) and is again trying to enforce double standards. My SO no longer wants to be with her and she has threatened self-harm should he ever leave her and I won't leave him to deal with this on his own. This is my home, he is my home, and trying to stay civil when someone I care about hates my guts is not exactly easy.

That's my update and I wish to god I had something better to share. The long and short of it is I won't move out when I have a legal right to reside there, I won't leave the man I love because someone else is screwing up her own relationship with him, and I won't defend her anymore when he loses patience. I had wanted to maintain a V or even try to work things out with her with a counselor but I'm just done.
 
Dysnomia said:
So here we are: she issued an ultimatum (not her first) and is again trying to enforce double standards. My SO no longer wants to be with her and she has threatened self-harm should he ever leave her and I won't leave him to deal with this on his own. This is my home, he is my home, and trying to stay civil when someone I care about hates my guts is not exactly easy.

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Click to expand...

It's like you have the same person in your life that I finally got rid of from mine :(. Ugh. So sorry you are dealing with this.

As a word of advice, when someone threatens self harm, the correct thing to do is call the authorities and report it. If they're serious, then they can be given appropriate treatment. If they're using it as emotional blackmail (which was the situation with my former triad-partner), then calling their bluff instead of letting them hold all the cards can be very helpful. Using suicide threats as leverage is wrong on many levels, not the least of which is that it makes it difficult for those who are truly depressed and suicidal to get real help.
 
In theory, she is supposed to be seeing someone for the depression and is supposed to start the medication sequence to get her stabilized, but I have no idea if she legitimately plans to take the medication or just say she's going to do it.

It wouldn't be the first time she's gone through the motions, but she never comes out to me as having threats of self-harm--it's always to her husband, who isn't willing to call 911. It reeks of emotional blackmail and that's what I told him before, but he's not ready to pull the trigger on a 911 call and he won't talk to her about separating until after she's been stabilized on some kind of medication. I am spending a LOT of time at work to stay out of Dodge, so to speak.
 
I am so, so sorry. Yep, sounds like emotional blackmail,and she knows exactly how to push his buttons. Seriously, it's like reading my own posts.

Waiting for her to be medicated just, IMHO, gives her reason to not do so. If she knows the end of that road is divorce and she doesn't want divorce, and she knows he won't leave while she's being crazy... There's not really much incentive for her to get help, is there?

Mine didn't take her meds unless he was standing there, making her take it. Which means, of course, he had to be home ALL the time. If he didn't all but push it down her throat, she'd claim she "forgot" it (she'd even go in the bathroom, say she took it, then later say she "Forgot" it because he wasn't standing there). Then, she'd blame her really bad behavior on having forgotten it.

I ended up breaking up with him for a while, because I couldn't deal with the crazy leakage and what it was doing to our time together. I had to do it for me, and my sanity, and it gave him time to get clarity about her actions (that isn't why I did it, but it was a side-effect).

Good luck to you. You are in a hard place, and I feel for you. I'll be sending good, sane thoughts your way.
 
Hi Dysnomia,

Obviously you're in a really bad situation, and I can't think of much to advise you, except for the overwhelming certainty that you need legal counsel. So, schedule a session with the best lawyer you can find. A lawyer's job is to take your side but if he/she doesn't, try another lawyer. Find out what your options are, and find out what kind of damage you need to be prepared for.

I would think that the parents would be likely to hear about the polyamory during the court proceedings, so I can see why you'd want to tell them before it comes to that. There's no easy way to tell Mom and Dad even when circumstances are ideal, and these circumstances are like the opposite of ideal. I guess you just sit down with them under calm conditions and tell them simply and respectfully. Then deal with the fallout as sanely as possible. If you find them standing over you and yelling at you, you just leave, offering to return when they've had some time to process and decide to be reasonable with you.

All of which underscores why I think it's so very important for you to get a lawyer's advice. This is way too serious for a mere internet forum to handle, though you're certainly welcome and encouraged to keep posting here to get our moral support and whatever advice we can give.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks again for the support, everyone.

The worst part of everything is seeing how awful my boyfriend feels about everything. They've never dated anyone except each other and neither one has any experience with breaking up and being broken up with--even though they're both 30+. He feels like a monster because he's (finally) putting himself first and she just endlessly attacks him for his "poor judgment" and for "not getting his priorities straight."

She won't acknowledge that he has any choice available to him other than being with her, like he's some kind of caged animal being trained that wanting something different is bad and that only she is good. Unless she wants something different, then it's her attending to her needs.

She's forcing the issue this week and is just so angry about two trained professionals who have no dog in the fight telling her--not just suggesting--that she needs medication to even out the depression to manageable levels. I really do want her to be okay, but I'm sick to death of being in the middle. More than Two has a lot of really helpful blogs and articles about managing relationships, but she won't listen to me about anything and I try to avoid the crazy.

I'm looking for a poly-aware/friendly lawyer to get some advice, but I only just started my new job and I'm not really making enough to pay a lot of money. She said something the other night that prompted my SO to ask me if I have a "safe" place to stay, just in case. What the hell?! If she's so unstable that she might hurt someone then she needs to be in a hospital.
 
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