Help! I need advice!

M

micheleispoly

New member
My partner (female and I am also female) of 11 years decided 2 years ago that we want to open up our relationship. We both decided to become poly because we didn't like that idea of the ownership monogamy has in the relationship. We aren't just looking for hook ups. (Nothing wrong if you are just explaining my situation.) We both haven't dated or had sex with anyone yet, but she recently told me she would like to have a child. And the only way she believes in having a child is a natural way between 2 people that love each other. So she wants to fall in love with a man and have a baby with him but also I would be the mother. This scares the shit out of me. I feel like I wouldn't really be as special as him. I feel left out and not good enough. Im scared and don't know what to do. She hasn't even kissed someone else yet, so how am I ever suppose to prepare for this? Please help me, I'm heartbroken.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

So she wants to fall in love with a man and have a baby with him but also I would be the mother.
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Doesn't sound like THIS is how you want to become a mother. Is it? In 11 years you did not discuss where you each stand on family planning?

Do you even want to be a mom? If yes, how did you imagine it happening? If no, how is this supposed to work? She just assumes you want to be the child's 3rd parent when you may not have any legal standing?

I think before your partner starts looking to get pregnant, you both could have some needed conversations. And be super honest when you do.

Galagirl
 
Hello micheleispoly,

Two years ago, when the two of you decided to open your relationship, did you both assume you would only be dating other women (not men)? Was this said out loud at the time? or did you figure that dating men was okay, but you assumed neither of you would get pregnant? Was this said out loud at the time?

I get the impression that you don't feel threatened by her dating women, like you do by her dating men. Is this something elemental about men per se, or is it specifically because men can get your partner pregnant? or would pregnancy be okay, as long as she wasn't romantically involved with the father? or is it a combination of all of the above?

You seem to be afraid that with that level of involvement with a man, that your partner will break up with you. Have you expressed this fear to your partner? and if so, how did your partner respond? What did she say? Do you believe her? Do you trust her? Do you trust the solidity of her commitment to you?

Maybe you're afraid because mainstream society holds that a man and a woman, with a child together, are the ideal foundation of a happy family life. And maybe you're afraid because mainstream society holds that a woman and a woman, are a recipe for unhappiness in life. So maybe this is a fear that your partner will succumb to the pressures of mainstream society, once she experiences firsthand the joys of having a child with a loving man. In the back of your mind maybe you've always been afraid of the influence of mainstream society. You've always been vulnerable to that influence due to your two-women relationship.

And even if she doesn't break up with you, maybe she'll demote you to secondary partner, and the man will become her primary partner. Is that a fear you have? What if she decides she still wants you to be primary to her, but she wants the man to be primary to her as well? Could she have two primaries? Is that something you could live with?

Describe if you can and if you're willing, exactly what you're afraid will happen and why. What parts of your partner's proposition frighten you, and why? What's the worst possible outcome? Would you be happy in the role of second mother to this child? Why or why not? Your answers will help me help you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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