Royallover2008
New member
Sorry if this is overstating I posted my question to love column by dan savage but wanted a poly communities response for perspective..
thanks loves
Dear Dan
I'm in.. have been.. in a bit of a predicament.. My husband and I over the years have enjoyed having females over. Later on in our marriage, he told me something personal, it was shocking but it brought us closer. So we experimented with guys. I love my husband I was open to it, and it was fun. I wasn't comfortable with penetration, my husband is my first and our relationship was sacred to me in a cliche way. To where if women came over I was ok with everything besides kissing. (My husband was my first kiss.. again cliche)
It's not something we do all the time. Just to spice things up.. and I'm learning new things about myself and my husband. One thing I found is I need an emotional connection with a man to be attracted.. where as I could be sober to feel attraction to a woman. (sorry if that's shallow)
Real quick backstory, my husband was my "knight" in my late adolescent years. My childhood was a little rocky so in a way I attached myself to him at 15 and we got married at 19. When we played with other women I felt like I was treating my husband. And I got to explore and feel like I wasnt missing out on something sexually.
Fast forward 9 years of marriage and I lost my job working under my best friend at her company. I may (or may not) have bpd though clinically diagnosed. And my bright ass decides to "treat" my husband to a 3way.
Well after that event, my husband asks me if he can have her Snapchat. I was hurt.. but he said he deserved it.. I'm not even sure how he convinced me to give it to him.
But after I read one of his messages about how he'd "never met any one as sexy or smart" unquote. I enraged and haven't been cool for over 2 years now. I've read various inappropriate messages. He vents to her about me, lies to her and says he learned it from me cause of my bpd, gets irrate when I confront him about what I feel or know.
He brings up "bob" who in my discovery of my bpd I confessed to my husband I had kissed "bob" on the cheek after he charmed and bought me burger king 7 years ago. He put a password on his phone.. at one time he messaged her as "gumby," his friend and was all giddy face lying about it. He makes jokes about "bob".. when he won't even acknowledge my current boundaries. I'm not perfect. I've made jokes about him being a breadcrumber, or a cheatho, or even seriously that he just needs to say we're in a open marriage. But
That's when it goes south and it's me "making him wrong, me being a bitch," to "have you taken your meds today," or my fave "are you asking for it?"
I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago.. My daughter, unfortunately came out to say my dad had been inappropriate with her shortly after this. So that's been testing us too. So i have no family, no job, I'm mentally and emotionally on edge all the time! This covid isolation is nothing new to me. I have this annoying twitch in my feet and hands (possibly tardive dyskinesia) that started around the same time I read his messages to her.
He doesn't feel like it's emotional cheating/intimacy because he or we have already had sex with her. They have a novel of messages that go over 2 years he conveniently deleted, after he read what emotional cheating was. He says "what I don't know can't hurt me so I shouldn't look at his phone. He doesn't care what's on my phone," yet he won't give me the release of honesty by saying we're in a open relationship.
He says anything they talk about that's dirty includes me so it's not cheating. Also he told her he was talking to some other chick supposedly "to get her to come over" which worked I guess cause he went to help "Gumby" when his car overheated later and then came back with "Macy." ..it was fun but not worth 2 years of the 2 of hell I had in reality. And I'm crazy for being suspicious..After 2 years of me asking him to "not talk to her, hey your hurting me" "keep it clean" "at least make it a group chat" I'm asking too much apparently.
In the midst of telling Me and Macy he would do marriage counseling early on, I find out I never got my hormones checked. Sooo another wild card for my hubs! He thinks if I have abnormal hormone results, he's justified 2 years of him (in my eyes) being emotionally and physically abusive. Which he also hates talking about.. I have so much contempt and mistrust I literally could make myself.. crazier! I wish I didn't care.. yet I will still have sex with him!!
It's fucked!! We've talked about divorce but I can't do that to my girls even though I think he'd spend more time with them if we we separated.
Is this love and can it be saved or should it be saved? If my lab results come back abnormal does that mean I've overreacted this whole time?? How do I get the emotional intimacy I need to be attracted to my husband again?
Any Advice for this devasted hopeless romantic
thanks loves
Dear Dan
I'm in.. have been.. in a bit of a predicament.. My husband and I over the years have enjoyed having females over. Later on in our marriage, he told me something personal, it was shocking but it brought us closer. So we experimented with guys. I love my husband I was open to it, and it was fun. I wasn't comfortable with penetration, my husband is my first and our relationship was sacred to me in a cliche way. To where if women came over I was ok with everything besides kissing. (My husband was my first kiss.. again cliche)
It's not something we do all the time. Just to spice things up.. and I'm learning new things about myself and my husband. One thing I found is I need an emotional connection with a man to be attracted.. where as I could be sober to feel attraction to a woman. (sorry if that's shallow)
Real quick backstory, my husband was my "knight" in my late adolescent years. My childhood was a little rocky so in a way I attached myself to him at 15 and we got married at 19. When we played with other women I felt like I was treating my husband. And I got to explore and feel like I wasnt missing out on something sexually.
Fast forward 9 years of marriage and I lost my job working under my best friend at her company. I may (or may not) have bpd though clinically diagnosed. And my bright ass decides to "treat" my husband to a 3way.
Well after that event, my husband asks me if he can have her Snapchat. I was hurt.. but he said he deserved it.. I'm not even sure how he convinced me to give it to him.
But after I read one of his messages about how he'd "never met any one as sexy or smart" unquote. I enraged and haven't been cool for over 2 years now. I've read various inappropriate messages. He vents to her about me, lies to her and says he learned it from me cause of my bpd, gets irrate when I confront him about what I feel or know.
He brings up "bob" who in my discovery of my bpd I confessed to my husband I had kissed "bob" on the cheek after he charmed and bought me burger king 7 years ago. He put a password on his phone.. at one time he messaged her as "gumby," his friend and was all giddy face lying about it. He makes jokes about "bob".. when he won't even acknowledge my current boundaries. I'm not perfect. I've made jokes about him being a breadcrumber, or a cheatho, or even seriously that he just needs to say we're in a open marriage. But
That's when it goes south and it's me "making him wrong, me being a bitch," to "have you taken your meds today," or my fave "are you asking for it?"
I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago.. My daughter, unfortunately came out to say my dad had been inappropriate with her shortly after this. So that's been testing us too. So i have no family, no job, I'm mentally and emotionally on edge all the time! This covid isolation is nothing new to me. I have this annoying twitch in my feet and hands (possibly tardive dyskinesia) that started around the same time I read his messages to her.
He doesn't feel like it's emotional cheating/intimacy because he or we have already had sex with her. They have a novel of messages that go over 2 years he conveniently deleted, after he read what emotional cheating was. He says "what I don't know can't hurt me so I shouldn't look at his phone. He doesn't care what's on my phone," yet he won't give me the release of honesty by saying we're in a open relationship.
He says anything they talk about that's dirty includes me so it's not cheating. Also he told her he was talking to some other chick supposedly "to get her to come over" which worked I guess cause he went to help "Gumby" when his car overheated later and then came back with "Macy." ..it was fun but not worth 2 years of the 2 of hell I had in reality. And I'm crazy for being suspicious..After 2 years of me asking him to "not talk to her, hey your hurting me" "keep it clean" "at least make it a group chat" I'm asking too much apparently.
In the midst of telling Me and Macy he would do marriage counseling early on, I find out I never got my hormones checked. Sooo another wild card for my hubs! He thinks if I have abnormal hormone results, he's justified 2 years of him (in my eyes) being emotionally and physically abusive. Which he also hates talking about.. I have so much contempt and mistrust I literally could make myself.. crazier! I wish I didn't care.. yet I will still have sex with him!!
It's fucked!! We've talked about divorce but I can't do that to my girls even though I think he'd spend more time with them if we we separated.
Is this love and can it be saved or should it be saved? If my lab results come back abnormal does that mean I've overreacted this whole time?? How do I get the emotional intimacy I need to be attracted to my husband again?
Any Advice for this devasted hopeless romantic