Help needed

Rbachman

New member
Hello all. My wife and I have been together for 10 plus years. We are happily married. About a year ago my wife suggested a threesome to spice things up a bit. She also expressed her want to be with a woman. I was hesitant at first, but her excitement when she talked about it was intoxicating. It was fun to bat ideas around.

So about 6 months back, it happened with a friend of ours. It was a pleasant time. The issue is that I began to have feelings for this woman, leading up to it and afterwards. To make things more confusing for me, my wife knows about it and is encouraging the whole process. I’m confused about the whole thing, and worried that it will lead to her branching out, and eventually the end of us. I’m not saying that only I want to be the one to be with another person by any means. I want her to be happy and to find someone that she can be with. as well. Is it normal to have this fear?
 
Hello Rbachman,

It is normal to have this fear, you are just starting out in poly, you haven't had a chance to get used to it yet. In poly, it is very possible to fall in love with a new person, without breaking up with your original partner. This is something you probably need some time to wrap your mind around, they do not prepare us for this kind of thing in the monogamous conditioning that most of us grew up with. Cut yourself some slack, you are not going to be able to move past this fear right away. And of course breaking up is a possibility, it's possible in both monogamy and polyamory. You just have to understand that polyamory itself isn't necessarily the cause of breaking up -- if that happens. Just as monogamy wouldn't necessarily be the cause. If you wouldn't worry about breaking up in monogamy, you shouldn't have to worry about it in polyamory either.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for your thoughts on this. It’s a scary idea to think on. After the experience together I sorta had a rough time dealing with it all. It was like I was cheating on my wife with here there engaged.
 
That's very understandable, polyamory is very scary at first. Give yourself some time to get acclimatized to the experience, take it as slow as you need to. And, polyamory isn't right for everyone, give yourself some time to figure out if it is right for you.
 
Hi,
if you want more feedback, it maybe helpful to restart the thread in the Poly Relationship Corner, or ask a mod to move this one.

I don't have much time right now, so I would just like to encourage you to be radically honest with your wife about your wants and fears.
 
If you want more feedback, it might be helpful to restart the thread in the Poly Relationship Corner, or ask a mod to move this one.

I would just like to encourage you to be radically honest with your wife about your wants and fears.
I moved the thread to the correct forum.

OP, you seem to be confused between having some naughty threeway sex to "spice up" your existing relationship, and developing feelings for the new sex partner, leading to... who knows what?

In the case of us here, it leads to polyamory, having ethical non-monogamy, i.e., multiple romantic relationships coexisting with the knowledge and consent of all parties. Starting a new relationship does not mean the end of a prior relationship. That is monogamy. If you fall in love with someone new, in monogamy, you're supposed to break up with the old partner. Or, if you love both, and want to have both, you must cheat.

In polyamory, you just continue on loving both and having relationships with both! Simple, really!

Please see our reading resource list. You might want to read a bunch of articles, and then get a book or two, such as Opening Up, and/or Polysecure.
 
I moved the thread to the correct forum.

OP, you seem to be confused between having some naughty threeway sex to "spice up" your existing relationship, and developing feelings for the new sex partner, leading to... who knows what?

In the case of us here, it leads to polyamory, having ethical non-monogamy, i.e., multiple romantic relationships coexisting with the knowledge and consent of all parties. Starting a new relationship does not mean the end of a prior relationship. That is monogamy. If you fall in love with someone new, in monogamy, you're supposed to break up with the old partner. Or, if you love both, and want to have both, you must cheat.

In polyamory, you just continue on loving both and having relationships with both! Simple, really!

Please see our reading resource list. You might want to read a bunch of articles, and then get a book or two, such as Opening Up, and/or Polysecure.
I have done a bit a research into my situation, and I have talked with my wife about things. We talked about the feelings I was having towards the other woman. I do want to know her and love her, not just be with her physically. It was a weird realization to have, and even stranger to share with my wife. But when she wanted that for me, as well as wanting to feel and experience the same thing, that led me to this place.
 
Hi Rbachman, welcome!
I'm confused about the whole thing,
That's very normal. Keep discussing and reading about ENM and Poly and what you actually want.
and worried that it will lead to her branching out, and eventually the end of us
It can take some time for a couple to go from mono to ENM or Poly. A transition period, give yourself as much space and time you need.
I’m not saying that only I want to be the one to be with another person by any means. I want her to be happy and to find someone that she can be with. as well. Is it normal to have this fear?

It's very normal.
We talked about the feelings I was having towards the other woman. I do want to know her and love her, not just be with her physically.
That's great! So perhaps you see you and your wife having each their own committed partners.

Keep communicating and take it slow.
 
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