Help! New to Polly

J

jayblue122

Member
Hello,

Me and my partner Elizabeth have been together for 3 years. We have been in an open/poly relationship for the past 10 months, although we began talking about opening our relationship before then.

Since we opened our relationship, Elizabeth has had about 4 or 5 different crushes, but none of them have worked out. I got rather jealous at first but after a few crushes came and went my jealousy got easier to handle. I dealt with some of my insecurities that caused them. During our discussions about our relationship I was always rather clear about my boundaries and limits "No sex in our bed", "I would like warning before XYZ", "I want to meet them at some point"... yada yada yada. On the other hand she was always was "I don't care what you do, I wouldn't get jealous. I want you to be happy".

And all was well and fine. Fast forward to now. I have met this guy Ian online. We have been talking for a month now and have been on 2 dates. Elizabeth knew what was going on from the start. We hit it off, and on our most recent things we got somewhat physical. No sex, but heavy making outs and some clothing removal. When I got home from the date I told Elizabeth what happened and that is when she started acting weird.

Heres the thing- she won't talk to me about it. The most I have gotten from her is that she feels somewhat jealous that I have found a partner and she hasn't. She also said she feels replaceable and scared of losing me, but wants me to be happy and doesn't want to limit me. I have tried to get her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that I love her and am not going anywhere. But she would rather pretend everything is fine and nothing is happening. In the mean time I am not sure what to do about Ian, I like him and would love to keep seeing him-- but I don't want to make things harder for Elizabeth.

Help??

Jay
 
Keep talking with Elizabeth.

Here's the thing... We can't control how we *feel*. Emotions do their own things. However we feel is completely okay; it's what we say and do in response to those feelings that matters.

It sounds like Elizabeth may be *feeling* jealousy, fear, and maybe a bit of anger. But she is *saying* she wants you to be happy. She is *saying* she wants reassurance. She is *acting* as if nothing is happening.

If you want to continue seeing Ian, continue seeing him. And continue checking in with Elizabeth. Not in-her-face constant interrogation, but just, "Hey, I wanted to make sure you're still okay with this, and I want you to know you can tell me if you don't want me to do this anymore."

It also sounds as if Elizabeth is more comfortable when she doesn't know what happens between you and Ian, so I would advise not giving her details. Leave it as "I went out with Ian and we had fun." Or maybe not even that much; if you tell her in advance that you're going to see Ian, you don't have to tell her anything afterward unless she's asked you to.

That's the point Hubby and I had to reach when it comes to S2; Hubby didn't mind hearing about my former boyfriend Guy, mainly because Guy and I were long-distance and so rarely saw each other, but Hubby *felt* fearful and threatened by S2 because I can see S2 regularly. So he *said* he would be more comfortable if I didn't tell him anything about my dates with S2 other than that there was a date. Since we agreed to that, Hubby is more relaxed about me seeing S2 and doesn't feel as worried.
 
To me it sounds like you need reassuring yourself. How about asking?

"Elizabeth, I need reassuring about your willingness to continue polydating. I want to keep seeing Ian but I do not want to be making life harder for you. You tell me you are envious I have a dating partner and you do not yet. You tell me you are worried about losing me and being replaced but do not want to limit me. Does that mean you are willing for me to keep dating Ian and see where it goes? Are you getting enough reassurance and emotional support from me?"

She sounds like she is reporting the weather from her POV and willing to weather out her emotions. She is doing her job in making you aware. But you want to be reassured you are doing your job ok. Is that it?

Galagirl
 
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Some people prefer working things out on their own. It's my preference to not talk about feelings and to not hear about nate's other relationships. Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs to talk but don't push her. You say shes "pretending every thing is fine" how do you know it's not?
 
Thank you all! You have given me some things to think about. I will try to talk to her again.

@Inyourendo I know there is something wrong because when I ask a question ex: "Are you okay with being in a poly relationship?", she tells me "I do not want to talk about this, please leave" and completely shuts down. This is a common coping mechanism for her when there is something bothering her. She doesn't like dealing with her feelings.


I guess part of it may be my own projections-- I would want some level of details were she to be with another, and so I feel I owe it to her. (Openness and honesty right?) But maybe that is not what she wants (I wish she would tell me...)
 
Hi Jay,

As long as Elizabeth is telling you to continue to see Ian, or even just not asking you to stop seeing Ian, I'd say you should continue to see him. You and Elizabeth have an open/poly relationship. This is what you both signed up for.

If Elizabeth is interested in doing some reading about jealousy, I can provide some links. But if she's not asking for help, then I assume she wants to work this out on her own steam. It's important to take people at their word. If Elizabeth says it's okay for you to keep on seeing Ian, then I think you should simply believe her. If it becomes not-okay later, then she can let you know.

That's my take anyway.
 
I definitely agree don't feel guilty. I have to deal with my own issues of jealousy but I don't tell my husband he can't continue seeing the people that he's sleeping with. I just deal with my issues on my own in the way I need to
 
So I talked to her tonight

>Are you getting enough reassurance and emotional support from me?"

She said yes

>Does that mean you are willing for me to keep dating Ian and see where it goes?

She said yes, and that she would just like a "I going to see who/when" and a "I had a good time - yes/no" But nothing more than that because that will fuel her jealousy.

So I guess you guys were pretty on the money then. Looks like she wants to sort through her feelings on her own. I told her that I am there if she needs me but I guess I was overthinking everything.

@kdt26417 I wouldn't mind mind checking out that information on jealousy, I think it could be helpful.

Thank you everyone for the support and the insight. I really appreciate it.
 
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