Help! New to this and needing help.

[SJR3699]

I am a 46 yom who’s wife wants to “Open our marriage. We have been married for 19 years an most of them good a few of them great! And a few of them pretty tough. We have two beautiful children and have build a very good and somewhat secure life for all of us. About seven years into our marriage she cheated. Of course I was crushed and did not deal with it well. She stopped seeing him and it took a very long time for me to get past it and learn to trust her again.
Well it has happened again, she started seeing some, it became physical and, while this time I was a bit better, I was crushed and ask her to leave. We have come back together and she is asking me to open our marriage to seeing other people. I love my wife very much, so I began to learn what I could about open marriages. What I have learned is that I have a much better understanding of what it means. But now I have a lot of hurt, feelings of betrayal, and rejection. She says this is where her life is in that she does not want a divorce but needs this in her life. I love my wife and I am not against the idea of an open marriage, and I want her to have this but right now I feel powerless, disrespected and alone. She has agreed to not see him for a while so we can read direct and define what our marriage is, and re-committing to each other. However, I have these feelings and fears that I feel will undermine any work that we may do if not addressed. I love my wife and I believe she loves me and I want to do this with her So any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Al99]

Hi SJR - and welcome to The Forum! We do have a good number of experienced poly folks here on the Forum who are generally friendly and helpful. And I do expect that you will get some very forthright, but well intentioned, feedback to your post.

Open and honest ethical behavior is central to the concept and practice of polyamory, so affairs are obviously not well thought of, and opening a marriage as a result of an affair is clearly not the best way to transition to polyamory, but it has been done, sometimes even successfully. After all, it is never too late to choose to behave ethically, although the issue is that you will still have to deal with the pain and distrust caused by the dishonesty of the affair. This is not an uncommon topic of discussion here, and I am certain that some of the experienced members here will be able to offer you some solid advice.

It does seem that you and your wife are taking some solid steps in the right direction with your decision to pause and and talk it out. I would also encourage both of you to do some reading and discussion about polyamory in general as well.

Best of luck on your journey! Al

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings SJR3699,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your wife are in need of a marriage counselor. You have feelings and fears that will undermine any attempt at opening your marriage. Your wife has cheated on you twice now and so it is no wonder why you feel powerless, disrespected, and alone. How can you trust her to not see him for a while? She has broken her word in the past. I hope she is not asking to open the marriage merely because it would make it easier for her to cheat. Tell her how you are feeling.

It may help you to journal your thoughts and feelings. You can do that right in this thread if you want. Or you can do it in Life stories and blogs. If you want to get advice and feedback for your journalings, you could do them in Poly Relationships Corner. The key thing is that you need to talk about your feelings. They are very deep, and will not be ignored. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel this way? Where do I feel it in my body? What thoughts do I have when I feel this way? Do I feel fear? What do I fear will happen?" and take it from there.

I hope this forum will be of help to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I mean this kindly, ok?

After having cheated twice on the monogamous marriage agreements, what makes you think she will not cheat on new agreements? It's not like poly agreements are somehow magically "cheater proof." Before anything else, trust needs to be rebuilt. If it cannot? Don't start new stuff.

I love my wife.

Ok. But after loving you, right? Because you can love someone a whole lot, even up to 49% of your love. But the other 51% you save for loving you. So you are able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Are you able to do that?

I am not against the idea of an open marriage.

Ok. But do you want to be doing it with her at this time?

Maybe you want to separate or break up. Then explore Open relationships on your own with a different partner who hasn't dinged you twice already and can keep agreements.

Or maybe you'd be willing to try this with her. But this is not the best time to be trying this. You have to truly heal from the first two cheating affairs first. And if she isn't going to own it and clock the time? Maybe just skip it and part ways?

I want her to have this.

Ok. She can have it without you being in her poly network. It is possible to part ways so she is free TO pursue and you are free FROM stuff you don't want.

Then you heal, and move on to date someone who wants monogamous marriage if that's what you want. What DO you want? You say you want to do this, but not WHY you want to do this when you have fears/trepidation.

It doesn't sound like “”joyous yes” kind of consent to me.

Right now I feel powerless, disrespected and alone.

Understandable. She's cheated twice and you asked her to leave.

What changed your mind that you took her back?

What changed your mind that you now want to do Open Marriage with her cheating affair partner in the network? Are you doing self respecting behavior when you pick that? Or are you getting yourself into things you don't actually want?

Would this help any?

https://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Would seeing a marriage counselor help?

She has agreed to not see him for a while so we can read direct and define what our marriage is, and re-committing to each other.

That's the problem. Agreements she makes are not always kept.

If you have feelings and fears? It's ok to say NO. And to not want to do open marriage like this.

If this is hurting you...

If you are only considering Open Marriage to avoid a break up or avoid scary changes to your life...

Could a year's separation help you heal? She does her thing over there, you do your thing over here, and you only coparent together. Then you have your own home and space. You don't have to be watching her date openly while living in the same home or dealing with overnight guests or whatever.

Then after some time healing in separate homes, you can be in a more stable place. Then reconsider if you will move on to doing Open Marriage while living together. Like a new kind of togetherness.

Or move one towards divorce and a new kind of separation.

Or maybe you do both. Get a divorce, and then stay living in separate homes but date each other in an Open relationship rather than an Open Marriage.

However you decide... some time and space apart might be a good thing to consider so you can come to the decision with cooler heads.

If you are emotionally distraught after a second cheating affair... I really think you guys could benefit from a counselor. Avoid just jumping into doing Open Marriage. Like have a "time out" first. I'm concerned that you are riding the emotional roller coaster and that might affect decision making/judgement.

Galagirl