Help: Secondary Partner Dating

R

RushTH

New member
Hey everyone, I’m new here. I’m here because I feel like I need some advice and insight from other poly people.

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 12 years and have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years. My girlfriend recently broke up with her “primary” (Using this term for simplicity. Sorry to use this term if people don’t like it) partner. My wife and girlfriend just started dating at the same time and it is very challenging for me not to become overcome by jealousy. My main concern is that my girlfriend is looking for a primary partner and would love to stay in a relationship with me but is going to leave it up to the person she meets and how they feel. My question is... what should I do? How can I enjoy my time with my girlfriend whom I love without being constantly worried and scared that our relationship is about to end. It feels like a really long breakup that may or may not happen.

Thank you!
 
If a partner told me that, I would look at it as finding out how unimportant I am in their life. At that point I would probably be done. At the very least I wouldn't take the relationship seriously anymore. Sorry to be so blunt.
 
Hello RushTH,

It sounds like you have good reason to be jealous. :( You aren't just imagining that your girlfriend might dump you, she is coming right out and telling you that she might dump you. :mad: I agree with vinsanity, she must not value you much, if she is willing to let you go so easily.

I actually think a temporary breakup might be in order. Like, don't date your girlfriend unless/until she finds this primary partner and gets said primary's okay for her to continue dating you. On the other hand, why can't you be a primary partner to her? Is it because you're married?

I'm sorry you're going through this, it does not sound fun.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
My main concern is that my girlfriend is looking for a primary partner and would love to stay in a relationship with me but is going to leave it up to the person she meets and how they feel. My question is... what should I do?
Click to expand...

Could ask her what her intentions are and what you can expect from her as she dates anew.

Because just like when a married couple opens their marriage to do poly and the "old marriage" ends? And they are figuring out what this "new marriage" will be?

You used to be in an "N" thing.

(wife + {you) + [GF} + her primary]

Well, that ended.

Right now it is

(wife + {you) + [GF} + ???]

And you are worrying it's not gonna survive the transition time.

Well, you aren't wrong to worry. It is a time of uncertainty. Because the originally N is def over.

Don't sit there fretting all by yourself.

Talk to your GF about this transition time. And where she sees your place in her life -- like does this mean you and her are breaking up too or what? How does she want to weather this transition time out?

Galagirl
 
Alternate thought

As I am in a good solid primary relationship, I would want my secondary to also have that potential. I realize that I can not be her primary. She wants one. I would be happy for her to have a primary even though I may have to exit.

I do not own my secondary. I want the best for her. The best for her may not include me. It may not be that I am not that important. It may be that I can not provide all she needs.
 
If your girlfriend is looking for marriage & kids with someone, and that's not something you can offer her, then I understand why she'd be willing to say that she might have to end things with you if her future partner doesn't want to be poly.

It's not that she doesn't value you, it's that she wants a "primary" relationship more than she wants to be poly.

You do have a right to feel hurt by that and to feel like your relationship with her might not have a future. But you should try to understand where she's coming from. She might love you plenty but still want other things out of her life.
 
I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship where someone would be willing to leave me for someone else. That's some mono shit that I am not dealing with.

Boy occasionally dates and in theory could find a partner to cohabit with (he is fairly certain he will not get married again unless it is for practical reasons like insurance coverage or something). He is very upfront with dates though that I am here to stay and he is not interested if monogamy is expected.

Your gf is obviously welcome to date and be mono if that is what she wants, but you also have a right to stability and knowledge that you are a priority and not an option. Could be just an incompatibility if you aren't okay with the possibility of being replaced at any moment.
 
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