Help us define cheating/having an affair

[RobertoPDX]

Your wife wanted *us* to give her permission to cheat?

She thinks that ENM people are more open-minded to new experiences, mono folks are judgmental and biased towards one type of relationship, and that other people on other forums probably have their own issues.

 

[ref2018]

She thought that enm people are more open minded to new experiences, that mono folks are judgementsal and bias towards one type of relationship and that other people on other forums probably have their own issues.

Everyone has their own issues, and many of them are attracted to online forums. This forum is no different. We aren't just a bunch of perfect people with perfect lives who have everything figured out and just sit here waiting to fix things for all the broken people. We *are* the broken people. Tell your wife the moderator(s) on the poly forum admit to being imperfect and we don't have the magic bullet to fix her unwillingness to take responsibility for her actions and be true to herself.

You'll have to look for forum #9.

 

[Inaniel]

She thinks that ENM people are more open-minded to new experiences, mono folks are judgmental and biased towards one type of relationship, and other people on other forums probably have their own issues.

Polyamory is about being informed about other relationships and consenting to a relationship structure. It does not sound like you were informed about or consented to the love triangle you briefly became involved in.

I get a little annoyed that some people think because I’m poly that I am naturally more understanding about dishonesty and poor boundaries, when in reality, I would be just as disappointed as you were if my partners were sneaking around and lying to me.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

We’ve been with this therapist for a while now. I expected a certain amount of helping us say things in helpful/healthy ways but she didn’t seem interested in doing so in this instance.

Did you say so directly? "Counselor, I'd like help in learning how to communicate better, how to say things in helpful/healthy ways and avoid miscommunication. What would you suggest in this case?"

You pay them. Speak up.

I have a high-energy job and was writing between classes. You’re right. I'm amped. But that’s the gig.

It sounds like work is another source of stress to manage.

“Have confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome” is great advice, thank you.

Glad it helps you.

Eating and sleeping when I’m depressed/anxious is hard for me. I have ADHD, and am anxious in general. I’ve done an all right job, except for a few days here and there.

The ADHD is another thing to manage, then. You have a LOT. Are you anxious from the ADHD, or from living with a wife who doesn't care about you or your feelings? Or is it a combo of both, ADHD and situational anxiety?

Ironically, I can tell my wife gets annoyed when I’m depressed or not eating, so I try to stay on track

I think you could try to get on track for you. Work on detaching from your wife's feelings some and let her deal with them herself.

It's not like you don't care about her at all, but if you overfocus on her stuff and neglect your own... maybe it's time for your to stay in your lane more. Maybe it is time to attend to your own things first and do your own self care, so you can function from a full tank of gas. And then, after that, you can consider helping others with their reasonable and rational requests. You are under a lot of stress right now. Don't spread yourself too thin.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

She doesn’t trust men. I can’t think of times I have ever changed her opinion on something that she is dug in on. Her sister can, her friends can, her therapist can, but her distrust of men makes it hard for her to believe things that I say, which are contradictory to her own beliefs

I might argue against her distrust in men. I don't know her whole story, but she hops from man to man, cheating her way between them. A cheater cannot trust anyone because they are not trustworthy. Every relationship was started with deception.

This is why many cheaters don't trust their partners. They may even accuse their partners of doing the very thing THEY ARE doing. If a partner ever accuses me of cheating, I assume they are cheating. Every time, I have been right.

She subconsciously thinks the men that are with her through this deception are either simple-minded or have no values, as they stayed with her. Her friends and family, however, have established trust and boundaries from the beginning and get to call her on her shit, without fear or reservation.

I don't think she innately distrusts men.

 

[RobertoPDX]

Thank you all for taking the time to help me out. Truly. Things will get better one way or another

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad we could be of help. Good luck going forward, and I hope you'll reach out to us whenever you need support, or even just when you want some company (and a listening ear).