Help with feeling like the third wheel

[washingtonbabe]

Hello. I have been in an open marriage with my husband for the past 5 years. My husband is the only one who has had other lovers as of yet -- this was his idea stemming from his frustration with me having inconsistent energy for him while I have been the primary caregiver to our two small children and am dealing with chronic illness. So, I agreed, but it has been a confusing and messy journey thus far.

I have felt pretty much alone in this, not knowing any poly folks to talk to about how to do this! I just saw NRE in the glossary, and I'm thinking, wow -- someone made a term for that which I have been trying to describe to my husband, who has been oblivious to the challenges I have with that... esp with our shared family responsibilities and my desire to spend time with him as well.

Anyway, here are a few things I'm grappling with lately...

Every time this comes up, when he finds someone new to be with, I am really thrown off by his intensity about it. He wants to forgo everything else and spend unlimited time away. I'm beginning to feel like he is actually lusting after non-responsibility instead of other women?! I feel so much pressure to yield, to be responsive to what he needs... it is so much to process on my end. How does one deal with this?

Also -- I usually feel drawn to connect with his gfs. I want them to know me, know our circumstances, what I expect and need, etc. Apparently this is intimidating? But furthermore, it feels hard for me to not be close to the other woman. It is hard for me to feel secure without that, at times. I would feel differently if my hubs was having casual relations, but he takes it really seriously, like full on romance. I have met his current gf twice (once to introduce, once because there was an issue needed discussing), and she has been very clear to hubs that she doesn't want to have to see me again. This feels awful to me.. my desire is to be closer not further... wouldn't mind snuggling or something really intimate to wash away feelings of walls.

And then the other thing -- he has been spending time with his gf while he is with mutual friends, which is argues were his friends first and I shouldn't have feelings about it, but honestly, it is challenging to me to be barred off from the whole situation because his gf doesn't want to see me... I really feel left out of this social group, and it feels bad to me for him to be creating an experience with our friends with another woman... like some kind of alternate reality that excludes me and our family. This feels confusing?! So I see some of this is my insecurity. Has anyone else worked with feelings like this?

 

[anamikanon]

This doesn't sound like he cares about you much. It is possible that he is just into serial NRE, but the idea that you care for his children and he is dissatisfied because of your lack of availability for him and thus interested in other people begs the question why he isn't caring for them jointly with you so you both can have more time for sex. The social exclusion furthers that impression.

Perhaps you should talk with him. See what happens when the obvious unfairness of the situation is pointed out.

 

[Dagferi]

You have small kids at home. Parenting is a two person job. It isn't just Mom's job to care for the kids. Do you get time away and to yourself? Maybe if HE stepped-up you wouldn't be so tired and your intimacy would come back. That said you NEVER add people to fix problems in a marriage. That is the best way to destroy your relationship.

As for you husbands gfs. They don't need to nor are required to have anything to do with you. They don't need to be your friend or cuddle with you. Why isn't your husband taking YOU out to spend time with friends?

Everything that is wrong has nothing to do with his gf but it should all fall square on your husband.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I'm beginning to feel like he is actually lusting after non-responsibility instead of other women?!

Have you asked him that? Because you don't sound like you enjoy this:

I feel so much pressure to yield, to be responsive to what he needs... it is so much to process on my end. How does one deal with this?

Why is it all about him? Why does he pressure you to yield? Are you being bullied? Is this a one-sided relationship where he gets most of the receiving?

Who meets your needs?

Also -- I usually feel drawn to connect with his gfs. I want them to know me, know our circumstances, what I expect and need, etc. ...

Is this because you are not getting enough kindness and connection from your spouse? You want to have kindness and connection from the GFs? Maybe in the hopes that they will influence husband to behave better toward you?

This feels awful to me.. my desire is to be closer not further... wouldn't mind snuggling or something really intimate to wash away feelings of walls.

You sound really lonely.

But hon, just because they date him doesn't mean they are automatically interested in being your GF too.

Point blank? It seems you guys can't do a single V well due to neglectful (and possibly bullying) hinge. Not good.

A 3 people triad is essentially 3 V's stacked up together. So trying to fix you lonely by trying to turn it into 3 V's? NOT the way to solve this. No matter how lonely or left out you feel.

It is not the GF's job to make up for poor behavior from your husband or give you enough attention so you can keep enduring poor behavior from husband better.

If he's behaving poorly toward you -- it's all on him. You can ask him to change his behavior and if he doesn't? You can walk away.

And then the other thing -- he has been spending time with his gf while he is with mutual friends, which is argues were his friends first and I shouldn't have feelings about it, but honestly, it is challenging to me to be barred off from the whole situation because his gf doesn't want to see me... I really feel left out of this social group, and it feels bad to me for him to be creating an experience with our friends with another woman... like some kind of alternate reality that excludes me and our family. This feels confusing?! So I see some of this is my insecurity. Has anyone else worked with feelings like this?

Some people prefer a "separate V." Like he spends time with her separately from time spent with you. It's on the hinge to balance his relationships so all partners are getting needs met. He is not doing that here.

Sounds like you don't get any time with him on your own or out as a couple socializing. You sound like you do not get ANY time off from being a mom either. You don't sound like you get time on your own with your friends.

If "Open the marriage" was his solution to "avoid divorce and still have a maid/babysitter at home?" And you felt pressured to Open when you don't really seem to want to be in Open relationship for yourself? You might want to get clear on that. And possible withdraw your consent to participate. If you don't want to be doing this any more, you do not have to.

So I see some of this is my insecurity. Has anyone else worked with feelings like this?

Of course you feel insecure. This relationship is not stable or sustainable! If you are being taken for granted and neglected, I don't see how this can work long term.

I think you could take the bull by the horns.

Tell him this is not working for you as is. Ask if he is willing to step it up on your side of the V. Ask if he doesn't want the responsibilities of being husband/father and he prefers to live like a bachelor. Get some clarity. If breaking up is the best solution here, talk about parting ways. Then you are free from all this and he is free to do whatever without you getting dinged so much.

You deserve to be treated well. If he isn't going to treat you well, you can treat you well and get away from this. Build a different life for you that IS stable and sustainable.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi washingtonbabe,

I get the impression your husband is lax in the father department. He needs to invest some time and effort into taking care of the children so that you can get a rest. Tell him this. Follow up. Figure out which things are dealbreakers for you. Consider what life lessons your children are learning by observing your husband's behavior.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[IndieSolo]

I get the impression your husband is lax in the father department.

And the Loving Partner Department!

 

[A2Poly]

I get wanting a more connected relationship with your metamour. I'd love if Djinn and I were able to discuss our partner together and conspire (in the best way) to bring healthy balance to all our relationships. I really am not attracted to women at all, but want a "kitchen table" kind of polycule. Djinn does not. And that has been hard on our preexisting relationship. I think it would be even harder with a "new" partner where you want to involve them more than they want to be involved.

That said. Galagirl and the others are giving excellent advice. HE and your communication patterns with him are the problems here, not the new GFs.