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Seekingthiught

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Hello, I'm struggling with poly, I don't have anyone to discuss about it with and when I discuss it with my partner I'm afraid I'm making it worse. We just decided to be poly with me holding some resistance. This would be the 3rd time I've said I'm okay with her being poly and have some serious anxiety about it. Last night I met her new partner and I was okay during that time. About 4 hours of sleep later I've been up all night. With the worries of her leaving me and whatever other fears of jealousy that typically arise.
Last 2 years I have had multiple back surgeries and we'll say the least I have severally lost my step. Our Dynamic as Dom/submissive disolved to now just poly. I know this is the time to explore finding another submissive but I'm having reservations towards that, and the dating scene well blows on finding someone additional.
I've read a couple of books on being poly and focussing on the issue of jealousy. The literature of jealousy seems to not be helpful at all and almost in a way belittling the person with jealousy, I've tried many of the techniques but I get no where. I want to be supportive for her but my issues always gets in the way. I desperately need to fix myself or this relationship will be lost.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like you realize you need to talk to people not IN the system. Can't be partner, because they are in the system.

We just decided to be poly with me holding some resistance. This would be the 3rd time I've said I'm okay with her being poly and have some serious anxiety about it.
Click to expand...

What's the resistance or anxiety about?

Do you want to be doing poly? Like you enjoy it? Or are you doing poly to avoid a break up?

Can you articulate what the jealousy is based in? Maybe this helps...


kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Were you the dom or sub? Is it tied into that? Like fear of being replaced?

Galagirl
 
Anxiety part, yes replaced very easily. Almost couldn't walk anymore. I would like to be poly to be a Dom again since our oringal relationship was her being the sub and adding to it as alpha sub. That disolved because of her past and not willing to submit. Another part lately kinda feeling rejected because I'm not fully envolved in a Polly dynamic and not able to find another partner to join. It's kinda been fun for her until my issues come up and ruins the experience for her. And our time together seems to be getting rarer by the day and the sexual connection.
 
A dom only exists at the consent of the sub. If she's not into that with you any more? You can't force her. So might have to set that part aside.

How are you in your health journey? Is any of that blocking you dating her or new people?

I'm going to guess and I might guess totally wrong. Is it any of these on the poly part?

You feel envious? She has something you want for yourself? Because she's doing ok poly dating, and you haven't gotten anything off the ground yet? You envy her the dating skills?

Is it envy of another kind? Like you are sad that the BDSM part of your relationship ended/kinda broke up. Where she's not feeling sad about it broken up about it. You envy that she can let that go easier?

You feel jealousy? You have something you fear losing? Like doing all this new extra poly work to get... less of her time and attention than before?

You feel anxiety about being replaced? And you don't have benefit of past poly experiences to self soothe like "Oh, she always gets weird for the first ___ months, and then she calms down. She isn't going to just up and dump me." You would like comforting words or reassurance from partner? You would like ____ from yourself?

And our time together seems to be getting rarer by the day and the sexual connection.
Click to expand...

How much time did you two spend together before? How much now? Why is it rare now?

Is she caught up in NRE? Do you ask her out on dates? Does she ask you? I can't tell if this is because you want to be together, and change to this new poly model. But are having some growing pains and are learning how to do poly and balance time and all that. So things feel weird because it's new, and over time it may sort out.

Is this poly hell?

I don't find it ethical, but some people do try to use polyamory like a "patch" just because they don't like being alone. So they sell it as poly, but really it's "I want to line up my new person before dumping the old person so then I don't have to break up and be alone in between partners." Is she doing any of that here?

Are you doing poly to avoid a break up? Like another way to hang on to her even though you don't esp want or love poly?

Or maybe something else entirely?

Galagirl
 
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Hello Seekingthiught,

I take it you and your partner had a D/s dynamic in which you were the Dom? and because of your back surgeries, you are now unable to fill that role? so your partner is now looking (via poly) for a replacement Dom? and you are having trouble finding an additional partner for yourself?

Here are some more jealousy links, I hope some of them help.
It sounds like your partner is seriously unsatisfied with you, on multiple fronts. What are the chances the two of you could see a couple's therapist?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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