I'm very new to a poly lifestyle. So new that it hasn't started yet. The background of my situation is this: I've been married with no children for 17 years. I have cheated more times than I can count. The last time he kicked me out. He wants me to move back in with the agreement that his " girlfriend move in too. They have been friend for a long time and I'm just finding out about her. He has told me they are now having sex. She comes over and stays when I don't visit. All this came out slowly with me pestering him about her. I haven't met her and he won't let me meet her yet. It's killing to know that next week she'll be here and I'm banned from visiting. I feel left out and chosen over. We've never had an open relationship. He says that having will help him forgive me. He says he's still divorcing me but that it's just paperwork. So know I'm supposed to come back to our home as an ex wife and live and watch him with her.i want him more than anything and want make him happy. But the idea of this is killing me. I don't eat, sleep, and have bouts of vomiting just thinking about all of this. I'm a wreck. I'll admit I'm jelous and says that after all I've done I have no right. I try to talk to him honestly and he just gets angry with me. I think that if we had choose her together I would feel better about all of this.from what I know and have seen she's is 100% opposite of me. She is what he has always fantasized about, ie... piercings, tatoos, very alternative. I'm plain in comparison. He says he wants us both but needs me. I'm wondering where his love for me is. Does it still exist? I think that I'm setting myself up for disaster and will have only myself to blame. Can this work if we are open honest or are we just basing everything on partial truth.
help
- Thread starter binkerbot
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opalescent
Active member
Oh what a mess.
Walk away from each other. Divorce if you are legally married. Poly won't fix this broken relationship. Poly won't make this a healthy relationship. And bringing in someone new to this dysfunction doesn't do her any favors.
Learn why you cheated so often. Examine yourself to see why you behaved the way you did. Get into therapy if you haven't already.
Don't worry about him - you can only focus on yourself and make changes in yourself. Do the work so that your next relationship can be a healthy one, no matter if it is poly, open or mono.
Walk away from each other. Divorce if you are legally married. Poly won't fix this broken relationship. Poly won't make this a healthy relationship. And bringing in someone new to this dysfunction doesn't do her any favors.
Learn why you cheated so often. Examine yourself to see why you behaved the way you did. Get into therapy if you haven't already.
Don't worry about him - you can only focus on yourself and make changes in yourself. Do the work so that your next relationship can be a healthy one, no matter if it is poly, open or mono.
Yes. This. There are no better words of advice. Divorce him, do your self-care and go on with your life. You both are better off without each other.
Hi binkerbot,
If you stay with your S2BX husband, will you be allowed to see at least one person outside the relationship, as he is already doing? or does he feel that your past indescretions use up all your future chances?
If that's the case, then this relationship probably can't be saved.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
If you stay with your S2BX husband, will you be allowed to see at least one person outside the relationship, as he is already doing? or does he feel that your past indescretions use up all your future chances?
If that's the case, then this relationship probably can't be saved.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I am sorry you struggle.
FWIW, here is what pops out at me from you post.
Cheating is not ethical to do. But it sounds like you aren't especially fulfilled or getting what you need out of this marriage either.
Here is the current offer on the table.
Well, he can have a GF and forgive you without you living there with him. Forgiveness is forgiveness. Trying to set up a power/control situation is something else.
To me it sounds like he just wants to punish you somehow and keep you on the string forever. He will never "forgive" because it benefits him more to keep you atoning forever. More service for him that way. I can't help but think this sounds like a skewed and messed up offer.
I don't think he loves you. I think he loves what you DO for him, and he doesn't want to be without it. So he's going to divorce you to punish you, but it's just "paper" so you don't leave and stop doing the things for him that he likes. The relationship cannot be all about him and what he likes.
Perhaps that's why you cheated -- you were seeking more than a one-sided relationship?
I think you are correct and I think you could listen to your mind telling you that. This offer is NOT healthy for you. If you accept a crap offer like this, you will have only yourself to blame. The offer is crap.
I think you could listenin to your body:
If accepting a crap offer makes you this sick? Do not accept.
When there is no "win" choice and both choices just plain stink? (Break up and be sad) or (agree to stay in a disaster situation and be sad)?
I suggest you pick the one that stinks LESS. To me that is (break up and be sad.) Then you get to heal with the hope of being happy again in time rather than sign up for endless stink with no hope at all.
Galagirl
FWIW, here is what pops out at me from you post.
Cheating is not ethical to do. But it sounds like you aren't especially fulfilled or getting what you need out of this marriage either.
Here is the current offer on the table.
- He kicked you out... and it doesn't sound like the first time. Is this a ping-pong thing with you two?
- He is going to divorce you, but "it's just paperwork."
- He has a new GF already.
- He wants you to move back in, with him and his GF.
- He won't let you meet her.
- You have no right to complain about his "offer" being unfair. It's your "punishment" for having cheated.
- He justifies it as him having a GF will help him to "forgive" you.
Well, he can have a GF and forgive you without you living there with him. Forgiveness is forgiveness. Trying to set up a power/control situation is something else.
To me it sounds like he just wants to punish you somehow and keep you on the string forever. He will never "forgive" because it benefits him more to keep you atoning forever. More service for him that way. I can't help but think this sounds like a skewed and messed up offer.
I don't think he loves you. I think he loves what you DO for him, and he doesn't want to be without it. So he's going to divorce you to punish you, but it's just "paper" so you don't leave and stop doing the things for him that he likes. The relationship cannot be all about him and what he likes.
Perhaps that's why you cheated -- you were seeking more than a one-sided relationship?
I think you are correct and I think you could listen to your mind telling you that. This offer is NOT healthy for you. If you accept a crap offer like this, you will have only yourself to blame. The offer is crap.
I think you could listenin to your body:
If accepting a crap offer makes you this sick? Do not accept.
When there is no "win" choice and both choices just plain stink? (Break up and be sad) or (agree to stay in a disaster situation and be sad)?
I suggest you pick the one that stinks LESS. To me that is (break up and be sad.) Then you get to heal with the hope of being happy again in time rather than sign up for endless stink with no hope at all.
Galagirl
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FeatherFool
New member
GalaGirl, sometimes I want to take your advice and carry it around in my pocket. Like, maybe on flash cards.
"I'm sorry you struggle"
"Forgiveness is forgiveness."
"Pick the option that stinks LESS"...
"I'm sorry you struggle"
"Forgiveness is forgiveness."
"Pick the option that stinks LESS"...
Ravenscroft
Banned
binkerbot, I put myself in your husband's shoes, & (to mix metaphors) let it simmer awhile.
I can kinda understand where he's coming from... but he's far from right. Start with his making dictatorial declarations.
If he really does "need you," then there's going to have to be actual negotiation at some point. If he cannot accept that, then playing out his fantasy script makes you a servant/plaything/unicorn -- at best.
If that's not YOUR game, then tell him so, & be prepared to finish leaving if he declares his superiority.
I can kinda understand where he's coming from... but he's far from right. Start with his making dictatorial declarations.
If he really does "need you," then there's going to have to be actual negotiation at some point. If he cannot accept that, then playing out his fantasy script makes you a servant/plaything/unicorn -- at best.
If that's not YOUR game, then tell him so, & be prepared to finish leaving if he declares his superiority.