helpful informative

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ShivaKat

New member
How do you be the helpful poly informative? How do I educate someone without coming off as bossy or the know it all.

Basically I'm moving to be closer to R and H, they are married. I don't think either one of them have read much about being poly. H seems to be in some kind of culture shock as she has never been around anyone with an alternative lifestyle. I'm guessing she is worried that it will reflect badly on her, because R told her he was thinking about telling his parents about me, and she got really angry at him. R and H are saving up for a house and are living with R's parents. I have told R that I refuse to be in a relationship where I have to hide from everyone. Recently I had mentioned that I won't be going over there if I have to hide how I feel about R from his parents, and that the situation was making me nervous. I think that lit a fire under R, because he told me he told the brother he had not told yet, and told one of his Aunts. He is thinking about telling his parents, but he still is wiggling on the side of "just letting them figure it out on there own". He tells me not to hide in front of his parents, regardless if he has told them or not. He asked me if it made me feel better, actually it does. It's a lot easier to avoid difficult conversations and I've been guilty about that myself.

I really don't know how things are going to go with H. She is always nice to me when we talk/text. She says things out of anger about R, "I don't care anymore if he sleeps in your bed every night." My best hope is that H and I can be really good friends, but then I could see that happening and R and H divorcing; that would be my luck. R says H is neutral about me moving there but is looking forward to having a babysitter. It makes me feel really good that she feels she can trust me with her five year old son. H tells me it would be nice to have a girl friend.

R is flying on the 16th to stay for a few days and drive me a cross country.
 
ShivaKat said:
R and H are saving up for a house and are living with R's parents......H is neutral about me moving there but is looking forward to having a babysitter.
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How old are they? How old are you?
How long have you known these people?

Just judging from the bits you've shared, it's waaaaaaay too early for you to be moving in order to be with him. It's insanity for you to be moving across the country for this. STOP all plans. Slow down. You can always proceed later, but for now, just STOP. All three of you have a lot more that you need to do before this goes any further.

My biggest tip for you: Don't focus on what they need to do or what they need to learn or what they are feeling. Focus on what you need to learn and on how you feel.

Free Life Lesson: "Don't ever move your entire life for a situation that feels anything short of wonderful."
 
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ShivaKat said:
How do you be the helpful poly informative? How do I educate someone without coming off as bossy or the know it all.
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What is it you would like them to know about poly, specifically?

Your description of the problems doesn't seem to say "they can't wrap their mind around the concept", rather "I don't like hiding my relationship, but metamour is not ok with it".
 
Hm. Correct me if I'm wrong in these thoughts...

H likes you. She wants to be your friend. She is interested in having some additional female support in domestic responsibilities, too...being a Mom means being practical sometimes, and in practical terms she sees the benefit.

But sounds like she is struggling with thinking outside of the mono-normative box. She might be resentful towards R because she is not his everything, or he needs more than only her. Feeling a smidge insecure. And worried about "what will people think?"

Honestly, some folks (me) are thrilled at the chance to be different. Some are afraid of it. Not everyone is ready to start some kind of a thought revolution in the comfortable reality that they live in. I get really excited about tinkering with paradigms in the interest of increasing individual freedom and opportunity and choice. Some would prefer to follow a pattern they've assumed is for everyone. And between those extremes is a whole scaled spectrum of "in between." I think she's in between.

In addition to that, when one is parenting a small child, threats to the security and survival of the family unit, particularly the commitment of a provider, are terrifying. So again, she may be feeling friction-y towards him, not you, because she needs his commitment and isn't sure she's got it 100%.

They live with R's family. Shelter, housing, is dependent upon her and R being cool, and R's family being cool with them. Any disruption to that is potential disruption to their child having a home. You are a potential disruption, even if she really digs you, and he really digs you.

I'd be cautious about getting too involved in the first place. There are enough yellow lights in play in the dynamic that you should be careful in how you proceed. I would not even consider moving in with a couple who live with extended relatives still. Have the parents consented to you moving in? What is their take on that part of it? In your position, if I were strongly enough invested to be determined to try and make this work, I would wait until they have their house, and have settled in and have financial stability, before even thinking about throwing another ball into the human logistical juggling pattern.
 
As someone who is still deeply in the closet on several levels, I can understand your metamour's concerns. If she is afraid of rejection, and that rejection might affect how she is able to care for her child, then that is her current reality and it is a valid concern. Maybe there are additional fears as well: if I was outed to my family, I would be immediately disowned and separated from all the history and support that I value, as well as likely never seeing my young nieces and nephews again (whom I adore). These are not small consequences. If she has a similar level of concern, then it may not be possible for her to be "out" at this time. Also, there has to be a balancing of reward-vs-risk. Each person has their own inner teeter-totter that helps them make decisions. This teeter is different for everyone: some are more risk-adverse, while others are more comfortable with greater chances of undesirable outcomes. The risks and rewards themselves are weighted differently depending on your teeter as well: familial rejection might not weigh much to you, but it might be an unbearable load to H. Right now, it sounds her teeter is firmly planted in the "risk side" ground. That doesn't mean it will be there forever. As you build a relationship with her, and R proves through continued action that his dedication to their relationship and child do not waver just because he also cares for you- the teeter may begin to shift. A simple discussion, in my view, would be unlikely to shift the teeter on it's own. Time, increased intimacy, comfort, etc all need to be a factor. The "out" relationship has to be worth the risks, and new and burgeoning relationships just aren't worth it in most cases, especially when she needs to protect her child.

There seems to be some cracks in her relationship with R from what you've said. For example, you say that you aren't comfortable not being out to R's parents, and he gives you the green light to basically out yourself... and him, and H. However, it sounds like H is giving you all sorts of red lights as she does not want to be outed. And that is a legitimate choice. R cannot give you consent to "out" H- only H can do that. It sounds to me like he was worried you would walk over this, and scrambled to find a way to keep you around... without first addressing H's misgivings. I would be concerned that he seems to be assuring you that everything will be fine, when his other partner sounds pretty sure it won't. There may be some valid points to her refusal, and those needs to be addressed before any green lights can be given. Also, having your behaviour around his parents out you is highly suspect to me. Why is he relying on you to clue in his parents? They are his parents, that is his responsibility. It seems to me that is a huge deflection and that he is trying to avoid taking responsibility for the outcome. If it goes badly, he can just say "well, ShivaKat did that, I had nothing to do with it!" and wash his hands of the whole thing. If he wants to be out, then he needs to take an active roll as well as shoulder his share of the repercussions that H fears.

Also... this is a major decision. Don't rush this for R and H (especially not for H). Is there a reason this has to happen now? It's still early-days. Not all relationship goals need to happen at once. I've dated monogamously without information my family I was seeing someone- not because I was hiding, but because it wasn't any of their business. Take it slow, be sure, and please, by all that is in the universe, do not out H without her prior consent. I would be extra vigilant that it doesn't happen by accident, now, because if it does she may take that as "accidentally-on-purpose", which would be a huge nightmare to untangle. This is something that your metamour obviously values highly, and behaving in a way that demonstrates your understanding, concern and care for her feelings will only build her trust in you. Fear is best dealt with love and gentleness: forcing this issue is not going to give her any sense of security in your V relationship. Be gentle with her.
 
I am five years into my relationship with Chops. I have told some people of the nature of our relationship, and I have expressly NOT told other people, because I have been burned in the past, and do not want to have to rethink relationships with some of my family members if I were to get burned again. My metamour doesn't mean to come close to outing me, but she *has* come close on Facebook several times (to the point where I've gotten questions from the aforementioned family members about who this person is).

This is H's decision to make, and it seems to me that R giving you the go-ahead to act as you wish around his family basically makes it easy for him to just shift the blame to you if H were to get upset, let you shoulder all the anger, and he can come out of this relatively unscathed. If you can't NOT be out, and H can't be out, and she's LIVING with the people she feels she can't be outed to, then R is balancing some incompatible needs, and needs to make some hard decisions. Passing them off on you is an easy escape route, and can very easily paint you as the "bad guy."

I'd also second FeatherFool's comments about time and experience maybe making things easier. Over time, as my comfort in the relationship has grown, it's gotten easier to discuss it with people (some people will paint your partner as a jackass who is hurting you if you so much as telegraph that you're unhappy with any part of the situation, so becoming happier over time certainly helps!). If she's uncomfortable, how can she say to well-meaning, protective people, "Oh, it's fine! We're all great with it," when she's clearly not? I had many well-meaning, protective friends tell me in the early days of my relationship with Chops that he CLEARLY doesn't respect me, and can he REALLY be that good in bed (and why do I put up with it - I deserve so much better), because I clearly wasn't completely comfortable with it. I have had friendships suffer because of it.

So... yes, time may help, but overall, it's H's choice. Be careful with R's offer to out yourself, because I have a feeling it's a loaded offer.
 
I'm 33, R will be 29 in two days, H is 27. I am moving into my own apartment, I won't be moving in with them for the next year. I have a lot of reasons to move. I need to be in a place to go to school, and I have no support system here. I've only lived here a year.

Okay so I get the point about it not being cool to out H to R's parents, because she lives there. I also get that it's not cool for R to put the responsibility on me to out him to his parents. Which really wasn't what exactly what I wanted, my boundary is that I don't want to be going over there all the time pretending I'm someone I'm not. I'm also not going to be in public with him pretending like we are not together. Which could ultimately lead back to his parents anyways. I've done that before, pretend I wasn't with someone, I can't do it. I've been up front about that from the beginning. I'm not talking special occasions where family comes to visit or work related events. I'm talking every day, day to day life.
 
Hi ShivaKat,

There is quite a bit of disagreement amongst polyamorists about what polyamory is, what counts as polyamory, and what's the best way to do polyamory. So it's not exactly possible to inform someone about polyamory, the most you can do is share what you know. Then they'll know of one perspective, one point of view.

I think it's more important that you, R, and H agree about how the three of you want to do things (regardless of whether that's "really poly"). There may be one or more sticking points where the three of you just can't agree. Whether you out yourselves (and to whom) might be one sticking point.

If you can come to some kind of compromise that is acceptable to all three of you, then you can still try and make this poly configuration work. That's the thing to zero in on, is what you can tolerate and what would break the deal for you. Can you tolerate R/H being poorly informed about poly? That's one example.

That's my initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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