Helping Partner though breakups

J

jayblue122

Member
Recently my boyfriend has gone through a breakup.

Two months ago his girlfriend of four years broke up with him. They were had always been LDR. They saw each other for a while and then said goodbye. Two days after the last time they saw each other she broke up with him via Skype.

He is still processing this. They broke up because they wanted different things and because they had grown apart. They intended to remain friends. Me and his ex did not get along at all. He does not want to continue to be with her in that way and acknowledges that the breakup was good for both of them.

He still has moments of grief surrounding this change. I do my best to be supotive of him but I also find myself frustrated. These moments often come when we are out on a date together. And I feel like he is not being with me in those moments and that he does not care that I am right there and that we were having a nice time together. And then he gets sad and withdraws and I feel awkward and we get a bit stuck. We were out to food the other night and he started crying in the pizza place and i just didnt know what to do. I want to be understanding of his processing. But I struggle letting go of my frustration. I also feel anger towards her for hurting him. Not becuase she dumped him- but because of how she dumpped him. I feel she should have been stright up with him and talked to him when she was with him. She danced around it for months.

I'm not sure what to do when he has these moments when we are together. Any advice?

The other night he also said that recently he has struggled to see future things with us. This scared me since previously we have talked about each other in that capacity. He said that some of this has come from the breakup with Becky since when he said goodbye he tought they were in a good place but then two days later she broke up with him. That incident made him loose confidence in his ability to have an idea of future things with his partners. This makes only so much sense to me and his sentiment shook me a bit. I don't know if this is one of those things to be patient with or if I should adress this with him....
 
To me? Sounds like he's wonky and talking wonky stuff right now. That's to be expected when he's just broken up. You cannot talk logic with an emotionally wonky person. The conversation can wait til he's more fit in his mind and no longer grieving.

Be patient. Let him talk. Don't take what he says personally right now. If you are too close to the situation to be that kind of neutral listener? Point him to another friend who can be and he can air out with them. Do a different job you CAN do -- make a meal, walk the dog -- to show your support.

If he's a drag on public dates right now? Don't go out on dates in public like the restaurant thing. Could have in house dates like chinese take out, and movies. Then you can offer him opportunity to wash his face, and take a nap, and continue the in house date later that night if feelings burble up and overwhelm him. Then you aren't spending big bucks on concert tickets and fancy food only to have him fall apart and want to go home.

With cheap in home dates? Then you can do something more fun (read, watch TV, play online, go out for coffee and come back later, chat with a friend on the phone, etc) while he's resting.

Hold space for him to deal with his mourning. It's not easy to hold space for people, but hold space.

If it's getting to be where he's not progressing and he's just wallowing? Ask him if he's willing to think about seeing a counselor.

I think it will get better in time, but have to clock the time. YKWIM? Cannot make the time go faster than it does.

Galagirl
 
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You can think you are over the grief but then BAM! Something brings it all back to the surface.

Please be patient and supportive.
 
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Thanks for the advice!

I found it helpful :)
 
Hey jayblue122,

I just wanted to add my vote of support and say I hope things get better for you guys. I think that when someone is grieving one of the best things you can do is be a good listener. Don't try to fix their problem, they can do that in their own way given time.

Best wishes,
Kevin T.
 
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