Here's my story

J

Jamison0311

New member
I'm extremely very new to the lifestyle and know almost practically nothing so far. But here's my story and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I met S almost 10 years ago on her 21st birthday and things between us just magically clicked. We lived an hour a part so we never saw each other much but we talked all day and night for months. She had just gotten out of a relationship so she wasn't ready for another, so I never pushed the subject. After a few months she decided to get back with her ex.

Fast forward a year, we got back in contact and had a few interactions, but she had a new bf. Feelings were mutual again and she ended up getting pregnant by her bf so I was kind of pushed to the back burner. Over the years we stayed in contact but just as friends.

Fast forward to present, S has been married for 7 years, her and her husband were poly with a couple for a few months, they parted ways, she dated a guy but it ended very badly and they closed their relationship.

Last week we saw each other for the first time in 7 years and it became semi physical, and now both of us are going through a tornado of emotions. She wants a relationship with me but it's terrified of asking her husband to open their marriage again because he's not to fond of me since she cheated on him with me when they first got together. I love S and would be devastated if we can't do this.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. Let me try to put that in chronological order. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

  • 2008ish: I met S when she was turning 21. We clicked, but lived an hour apart, so did not really date. She just had broken up with someone and wasn't ready to get into a relationship. We just talked a lot. She got back with her ex. I faded out.

  • 2009ish: We started talking again. At this point she had a new BF. When she got pregnant by her BF, we stopped talking. (Was this cheating on the BF? An emotional or physical affair? Or just a crush on your side that you did not act on?)

  • Somewhere between 2009-2011: S and I cheated on her then BF. They had just gotten together but she and I had a cheating affair. (Is this a whole new BF or the one she had a kid with?)

  • 2011ish: S and her BF get married.

  • 2018: So S and her then BF/now DH have been married for 7 years now. Somewhere in there they were in a poly thing that broke up. They were dating a couple. That ended. Then she was dating some guy. That ended. They Closed their marriage back up again. That is their current agreement. CLOSED. (Why did the poly thing fizzle? Was she cheating on her poly agreements? Something else?)

  • March 2018: Last week we met up. S and I started making out. They are supposed to be in a Closed marriage. So basically I am helping S cheat on her current agreements.

  • PROBLEM: Feelings are now stirred up. She wants a relationship with me. S is terrified of asking her husband to Open their marriage again. He's not too fond of me since our previous cheating affair before. (The red above) So basically S is offering me a cheating situation -- date on the sly.

  • I love S. I would feel devastated if we don't get to date.
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Is that where this is? The two options I see on the table are

  • Decline to sneak. Don't date S, feel sad, but keep your self respect.
  • Agree to sneak around. Help her cheat on her marriage agreements. Feel ____ about doing that, and compromise your self respect.

Both options stink, but to me the lesser stink is to not help her cheat.

I suggest you tell S you would feel very sad if you didn't get to date, but since she's not actually in an Open marriage right now? This is jumping the gun and not right. That you don't want to repeat all the cheating stuff from before and you decline her current offer.

Could tell her to sort her marriage out first. Then approach you forthrightly and with a respectful offer. Not drag you into murky waters offering you shady deals.

I could be wrong. From the sound of the post it sounds like you are her bit on the side when she's bored/having a problem with her other relationship(s). If that's how it is? You deserve better than that. You are worth dating properly and on the level.

So even if you have the hots for S? I encourage you not to go sneaking around just to gain access to her. That's not self respecting behavior. You could refrain from doing anything else with her unless she's going to get it together and treat you like a proper dating partner.

Don't sign up for weird. It's not worth it. If you cannot exercise self control around this woman, stop talking to her and stop meeting up.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, from she's been with the same guy since 2009. Our cheating then was nothing more then kissing. Same with this past week.
 
You seem to recognize it was still cheating on her agreements if she's not actually in an Open marriage right now.

Even if it was only kissing? She's still jumping the gun, and she's still not offering to properly date you on the level. She wants a relationship with you without sorting out her stuff at home first. Sneaking around.

How's that an awesome or respectful offer to present to you? :confused:

I suspect you wouldn't be posting for help if this didn't bother you inside. :(

I encourage you to answer to your higher values and set some boundaries with her: Date you on the level or leave you be. Then expect her to go home and sort whatever with her husband. Stop talking, and stop hanging out if that just leads to feelings you rather not be dealing with right now because it gets murky or confusing for you.

Right now she's WILLING to date you, but not actually ABLE. She could get back to you when she's actually willing AND able. Not jump the gun.

At 21? People are closer to teens than not. Teens sometimes do dumb stuff. But you guys are presumably in your 30's now and not kids any more. You are being presented with a choice here -- to handle this ethically. Or not. Your behavior choices are up to you.

I mean all that kindly. I imagine this feels rough right now. Yet I don't see any point to signing up for shenanigans. If you already feel yucky/weird/ hurting about all this? Why go for more rather than nip it in the bud? :eek:

Galagirl
 
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Sorry, I missed the other blue part, they had a live in couple that they were poly with, but they moved out and decided to start their own family. And then she got into a relationship with someone and it fizzled out when he kept trying to get her to leave her husband. That's when it became closed.
 
And thank you for your input. I really do appreciate it. I don't like the idea of sneaking around, it's just a messed up situation.
 
Jamison, I concur with everything the others have said. GalaGirl's response was gold.

I just want to give you something else to think about here also - though it's not necessary to actually answer it in this thread:

You and S have known each other a long time now. YOU may love S. Why then do you think that in all those years, S has never elected to date you properly, or you two have never managed to get it together? :confused:

Are you saying that you've loved this woman for close to a decade, yet kissing/making out a couple of times (whether she's been partnered at the time or otherwise) and talking/chatting when she's between relationships is about as close as you've ever gotten?

I understand that you love her, value her friendship, and are drawn to her again now physically (the beginnings of NRE), but to my mind, all this seems like a pretty poor outcome as far as you're concerned. :(

If she truly loves YOU, she will prioritise you and your/her relationship NOW, even if she hasn't in the past.

And if she truly loves her current husband, and their agreement is closed, she will either honour that agreement and not continue to lead you on, again - OR she will find some courage within herself to broach the subject openly with her husband to see where he really stands on the idea of you and S dating.

If they consider themselves polyamorous, it's possible (though far from guaranteed) that S's husband may be willing to let the incident from seven years ago go and consent to you two dating now - since in the past you "just" kissed and didn't actually carry on a fully fledged cheating affair. But that's up to both of THEM. Unfortunately, you don't get much say in how they choose to conduct their marriage.

Is that how you WANT to live - always waiting on this woman and her decision to include you in her life?
 
She has known you for 10 years. She has had abundant opportunities to get together with you that she and you have passed on including before the BF and when they had opened their relationship. She seems to be tempted by you on the side, but strictly in an unethical manner - she is not opening up the debate to be poly with her BF, because he does not trust the two of you together.

In your place, I'd RUNNNNN. There is nothing here for you other than being entertainment on the side for her at the cost of your dignity and potential humiliation down the road if the BF finds out and there is drama.

Whether she had been poly in the past or not, the offer you have right now is straight up cheating. Do you think that is all you are worth? To be someone's shameful secret?

Edit: There is also likely to be more to her BF being averse to poly because of cheating. A few kisses are unlikely to upset someone who had been poly, particularly if they are followed by honest disclosure and negotiation. She is averse to the honest option for some reason and is offering you a cheating relationship. First thought to come to my mind would be that this may not be the first time she's chosen cheating. Particularly given the long gap between your two kissing encounters - both of which were cheating.

How would you trust her to be honest with you either? Not like she's given you honorable offers to begin with.
 
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You make very valid points. I think the only thing that freshly kept us apart from fully dating back then was logistics and there was no way I could've supported both of us with my income. Plus she didn't feel safe living in the places I lived, which I didn't blame her cause I didn't feel safe either lol. Right before she got pregnant we had a few conversations that she wanted to leave him and for us to be together, but she got pregnant and that changed everything.
 
Jamison0311 said:
You make very valid points. I think the only thing that freshly kept us apart from fully dating back then was logistics and there was no way I could've supported both of us with my income. Plus she didn't feel safe living in the places I lived, which I didn't blame her cause I didn't feel safe either lol. Right before she got pregnant we had a few conversations that she wanted to leave him and for us to be together, but she got pregnant and that changed everything.
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You were there, so you would know... but forgive me if I'm a tad sceptical of the notion that, in a decade or thereabouts, there wasn't ONE window of opportunity where you two could have gotten together if you truly loved each other. (Or perhaps more to the point, if she'd truly loved you.)

Moreover, a woman who is looking to get out of a relationship to be with someone else is usually going to try her damnedest NOT to fall pregnant accidentally to the man she wants to leave. I realise it's possible... but man, that's some bad luck if it truly was a complete accident. :(

I'm not sure why you think you would have had to support her on YOUR income alone though. :confused: She doesn't or can't work? Unless you mean AFTER she had the baby... although even women with very young children can and do work if circumstances dictate they need to.

None of this is helping you NOW, however. You've really got a very simple though painful decision ahead of you, it seems.
 
Hello Jamison0311,

It sounds to me like you and S were kind of meant to be together, you were just kept apart by unfortunate circumstances. You have an opportunity now to have an affair with her, and I would not blame you if you took up on that. My only caution is, affairs are very hard to keep secret, you almost always get caught. So, if you decide to go through with this, you need to figure out what you'll do if you get caught.

Or there is the chance that she will get divorced, but that would be complicated because she has at least one child (with her husband). Maybe you and she are just destined to orbit around each other in a tragic tale of unfulfilled love. I don't mean to declare that as a done deal, I am just thinking out loud based on your story. I am sorry that you can't so easily be with her right now.

If you do decide to be with her right now, be really, really careful. It would be better if her husband could agree to this, but I know that's not very likely.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
It's not worth it. By constantly pining for this woman you are closing yourself off emotionally to someone who will make you a PRIORITY. Right now you are just a plaything.
 
Thank you all for your input. It has helped a great deal. S and I won't be able to see each other for at least another 12 days or so, but after the holiday, and before we see each other again, she is going to ask her husband. I will post any updates as they come about.
 
Jamison0311 said:
after the holiday, and before we see each other again, she is going to ask her husband. I will post any updates as they come about.
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That's good news S has decided to address the issue honestly. I'm sure you must feel both relief and trepidation. I'd be very interested in what comes of this, so look forward to your update.
 
I'm sorry to hear that. :(

What will you do?
 
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