He's not my dirty secret

D

Dustytx

Member
I'm frustrated with being closeted about my boyfriend. He's an amazing person who has entered poly with me.

I'm poly & he's always been monagamish. His ex & he had a DADT agreement when it came to sex with others. She had the option & never took it but he did at different times in their relationship. She knew about me & he would have given any info she requested but she did not want details.

In a very unintended way we fell in love. He & I have discussed at length what ended their relationship. He has assured me that I have not contributed to it at all.

Fast forward to my parents coming to town last week, mom knows about the relationship but dad would never understand. She said she could understand the boyfriend & a husband situation but has trouble grasping that they know about each other. Dad did meet CB but did not know we were anything more than friends. I hated it, I wanted to tell dad but no one wants their father to think they're a whore. That would likely be his reaction. Mom btw just loved CB.

CB & Cowboy get along, crack jokes & share space at times. Cowboy was reserved at first & I get that. My first relationship ended badly because my ex was an ass & I did not handle the breakup well. Cowboy has since observed how CB treats me, how he's respectful of Cowboy & how he's so supportive of me.

For many reasons CB & I are limited on when/where we can be "out." We do have several friends that know & a few places where it's not an issue. He's such an important part of my life that I don't want to hide "us." Eventually I'll accompany him to work/social events but then I'll have to hide that I'm married.

This is so frustrating for me. I want to have the courage to be totally honest in my life. I want to say screw it that my professional life would be affected because of close minded people.

Just venting a little frustration here.
 
I hope that you feel a little better for the "venting" (I usually do).

I've posted before and there have been several threads talking about this - being "out" to friends and family re: poly.

Not having to cover up/hide my relationship with Dude in certain circles is nice. Our closest friends are "in the know". I did out myself to my Dad a few years ago - my mom and I have a DADT when it comes to that sort of thing, we don't talk about sex (and yet, she has labelled Dude her "adopted-step-son-in-law" and sends him a birthday card and cookies!)

I, personally, am willing to be "closeted" when it comes to my professional/public life - but lying, even by omission, to people important to me is not my style and it rankles.
 
Would a soft, oblique, vague approach help? To refer to and present CB as your very special, very close friend (yours and Cowboy's), leaving some room for suspicion, not admitting anything, hinting, perhaps, teasing (from both you and Cowboy, since he's on board). I understand it's easier in some cultural settings than others, but such a shift could perhaps make it from a source of frustration and a stifling secret to something more playful, a semi-private game you play with the world and its expectations. Just a thought!
 
I just want to say that I feel your pain.

I always knew I was capable of loving more than one but until I met Bob last year, I had no idea of how this would all feel and how I would deal with it all, including if/when/how to tell family and friends.

As of yet, now one knows about us, though just recently we outed ourselves to Bob's sister. You see, Bob and his wife Wanda are my husband Harry and my best friends. We are with them all of the time-- dinners, concerts, vacations. Harry and I had taken Wanda out for dinner and drinks as Bob was away on business and returning later than evening. Over the course of the night, a few other friends joined us, Bob returned, and Bob's sister and her boyfriend arrived. By now we had been drinking and chatting for several hours and Bob and I had not seen each other for over a week and with the warm atmosphere of the patio fire and wine, we held hands, touched each others thighs, and kissed several times.

Bob's sister, who has a crush on my hubby Harry and had sat by him all night, finally asked Harry about our recent vacation (with Bob and Wanda). She told him "it must be nice to have such good friends to play with in Mexico". Play. The key word that she knew what was going on.

I asked Bob if he was horrified and he said, no...it was time people knew how important I am to him. How far we will go with the confessions, we have not decided yet....

I like Endusal's idea. Can you make it a special game you play? Saying almost enough but not quite enough to make people wonder? A secret look or hand gesture you share that lets the other feel reassured that you are in this together and are loved? I find that helps me.

It is so sad and unfair that people judge us so harshly for something that feels so natural and normal to us.
 
It's a tough one alright.

The only people in MY circle of family and friends who I'm NOT "out" to about my relationships with Jester and Boho are my parents. (My brother and sister, best friends, grown kids and their close friends, and my ex husband all know about our situation.) As my parents are quite elderly and conservative and have a lot of challenges to deal with right now, I'm hoping they won't ever have to deal with this, as I know it'll worry them.

Jester is currently monogamous with me and I'm not sure who (from his circle) knows I also have a girlfriend, and frankly, it doesn't concern me right now. His brother is mutual friends with both Boho and I, but I'm not sure if he knows exactly what's going on. (He's not a conventional kind of character, so I doubt he'd get all judgy about it anyway.)

Boho isn't out to anyone yet. She lives with extended family and has to encounter people from all walks of life in her profession, so I can understand her not wanting to shout our situation from the rooftops (either the poly part or the f/f aspect), although being kept a "secret" does have its drawbacks.

I kind of like endusal's idea of "playing" with people's preconceptions... giving just enough away for them to wonder. It'd almost be a "soft" coming out, because if/when people discover the facts, they probably won't be overly surprised.
 
Dustytx said:
Dad did meet CB but did not know we were anything more than friends. I hated it, I wanted to tell dad but no one wants their father to think they're a whore. That would likely be his reaction.
...
This is so frustrating for me. I want to have the courage to be totally honest in my life.
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Play the scenario forward in your mind. You tell your dad (preferably with the support of your husband), that you also have a boyfriend.
He thinks you are a whore. You have to be ready for that scenario. Maybe he tells you that. Maybe he disapproves of you and slams the door. It feels crappy.
But what about 10 days later? 10 months later? 10 years later? Is he still so radical, or is it possible that, after having processed his emotion, he comes around? And if he doesn't, what's the worst-case scenario? Is it more difficult to handle than what you have going now?
If you want to have the courage, think it through without blowing things out of proportion.
I want to say screw it that my professional life would be affected because of close minded people.
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Well this is something I'm not over yet, but I'd say you can try the same approach. Evaluate the risks as objectively as possible. Is it something you can handle?

Have you seen this video about deciding if you should come out?
 
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Hi Dustytx,

Living in the closet is hard, I know, I live in the closet myself for the most part. It sounds like the person you most wish you could come out to is your dad. Although it also sounds like you wish you could out yourself at work. Sometimes we can out ourselves, sometimes it's not an option. It's too bad we live in such a monogamous world.

I hope you can tell your dad eventually ... and that he'll get over it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would like to point out that in these "closeted" situations, it's the unmarried partner who suffers the most, while the married one makes the decision to be or not to be out in the open.

It may hurt you to present your boyfriend as a "friend" to your parents, but it's your decision. You can decide to change that--to sit down with your parents/dad and ask them to rethink their understanding of your marriage, and of marriage in general, and to accept you as who you really are.

In the meanwhile, you get the benefit of being perceived as married in your general life. You benefit from the social status of being partnered in public.

The boyfriend may not have any of those benefits, and also doesn't have a choice about how your family/friends perceive him, if you aren't willing to suffer through the difficulties of coming out.
 
Being 100% out may never be an option for CB & I. While some family members may know others, like his children, will likely never know the true nature of our relationship. As for now, there has not been cause for me to meet them but it's likely in the future. There again, I would have to hide having Cowboy waiting at home. Professionally it's not an option for him currently either.

Meera you sound bitter for some reason. Have you been the unmarried partner? I'm willing to suffer the difficulties with the exception of my father. My closest friends know & most have met CB. They like him. If anything it's equal right now. As the married partner I won't meet his family for a while. They're out of state & Cowboy & I have very small families. It's unlikely either CB or I would ever feel comfortable with me being away from Cowboy for the holidays or extended trips.

I really don't like the assumption that CB as the single guy bears all the burden. I definitely take his feelings & well being into account. He knows how frustrated I am with the scenario & his only concern is for my well being as I am so frustrated.

So he does have choices & has been well received even by my mother.

Unfortunately, my father is very closed minded & misogynistic. If it were my husband cheating he'd tell me to forgive him but if I were cheating I'd be totally in the wrong. He could never grasp this as not cheating. Just like I know He would disown me if he were aware I had sexual relations with someone of a different race which I have but he doesn't need to know. I guess I'm glad that my mother had more influence on how I accept people & view the world.
 
Meera sounds more factual than bitter. I work for myself and couldn't care less what people (including my family) think of me. My girlfriend is married and not out about our relationship to anybody. Right now I am in Los Angeles, 50 miles from where she is visiting her daughter. I couldn't go visit her because there is no way to explain me. It is very frustrating. There are times I just want to end the relationship because I don't feel adults should have to do things this way.
 
Dustytx said:
Meera you sound bitter for some reason. Have you been the unmarried partner?
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Nope, never been the unmarried partner.

It's just that I see quite a number of posts on this forum from heterosexual married poly people saying that "Oh no, I can't tell my parents about my boyfriend/girlfriend because they wouldn't understand so I have to pretend to be monogamously married, oh no!" But actually all of these people CAN tell their parents, they just don't WANT to deal with the consequences of telling them.

Gay and trans people have to deal with those consequences all the time--being ostracized, having guilt & drama from family members, being misunderstood, etc (not to mention much worse). Keeping a poly relationship in the closet seems ridiculous in comparison.

If an adult is grown-up enough to marry someone and also have another relationship, they should also be adult enough to be able tell their loved ones about it. (Or, if you want to be private about your relationships, why even tell your parents that you're married at all?)

Also, please pay attention to the way your attitude disproportionately affects your boyfriend. "Couple privilege" is a thing. You benefit from it and your boyfriend doesn't.

LOL one of the biggest jokes on my solo polyamory forum is that solo people immediately get called "bitter" if they point out couple privilege.
 
MeeraReed said:
Nope, never been the unmarried partner.


Gay and trans people have to deal with those consequences all the time--being ostracized, having guilt & drama from family members, being misunderstood, etc (not to mention much worse). Keeping a poly relationship in the closet seems ridiculous in comparison.
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No actually it doesn't. Many gay/trans folks choose to remain closeted for the same reason I have so I wouldn't refer to either as ridiculous. We're talking about love/sexuality here. Anything different from the general "norm" is going to be judged. Everyone being "out" in the LGBT community is relatively new & trust me here in the South coming out as anything viewed as deviation (not specifically sexual) is at risk.

I'm glad it's a joke on your solo poly forum because I've read responses of your's on other posts not related to couple privilege that also sound confrontational.
 
If you don't want your boyfriend to be your "dirty little secret," then be a grownup and tell your parents.

You're not a gay teenager who is going to get kicked out of your parents' house. You're an adult in a socially acceptable marriage, and you just don't want to navigate the difficult emotional terrain of being honest with your parents.

It's okay if you want to stay closeted, but then you have to make peace with the consequences of being closeted.
 
Meera, I was totally onboard with you, until this part --
MeeraReed said:
...they should also be adult enough to be able tell their loved ones about it.
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I have to call "nonsense!" on that. I kept Mom posted on my (occasionally complicated) love life because that's the sort of relationship we had, & my sister almost as much.

But just because I didn't tell them about (for instance) how large my penis is didn't mean that I was ashamed either of it or them. :rolleyes:

(I didn't talk to Dad about polyamory until 2014, though he'd pretty much figured it out years before. Maybe my objectivity is poor, but I like to believe I didn't love him any less than Mom.)

MeeraReed said:
solo people immediately get called "bitter" if they point out couple privilege.
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Yah, kinda like my experience mentioning "white privilege" or "male privilege."
;)
 
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