Hi everyone

U

Ursilla

New member
I recently have entered a polyamorous relationship. My husband and I were best friends with another couple. Unfortunately Jill died a few months ago leaving our friendship devastated. My partner and I have experimented with light swinging in the past but found it to be empty and not very fulfilling. Jill’s husband Fred has always been in love with me and those feelings were mutual. I have just never acted on my feelings because as a foursome we just did not want our friendship to change. My husband actually sent me to comfort Fred. This seems to have made the friendship between us three deeper and richer. I can’t complain (I am very happy) but having two husbands takes some getting used to. I joined to get some insights into how and why polyamorous relationships work and what keeps them working smoothly.:eek:
 
Sorry about the loss of your friend Jill. I hope the remaining three of you can honor her memory the way she would have wanted.

I don't know why, I don't even know you but this makes me cry.

Wait, I do know why it makes me cry but I don't have the energy to share that. The "I don't know" was because I don't know YOU except from your one message.
 
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clarification

She was a wonderful person who put up a heroic battle against cancer. The three of us love her dearly and cherish her memory. Fred was so devastated by her loss after 25 years that he does not even want to open the home they shared to an outside relationship with someone who will change Jill's home. This seems to be working for us so far.
 
Jill had colon cancer discovered in stage four. It spread to her lungs and collapsed one which let to her death.
 
Ursilla said:
Jill had colon cancer discovered in stage four. It spread to her lungs and collapsed one which let to her death.
Click to expand...

SHIT! I had a feeling. That is what my mother died of except instead of lungs, it spread to her liver. Same thing - colon cancer discovered in stage 4. She lived a bit over a year from the time they found it. 3 types of chemo, one round of radiation, NOTHING worked... It was 8 years ago Sept 25th she died. So a few months is NOTHING. And I'm not even in a "loverly" (as JRM says) relationship over that...

I REALLY don't want to rain on your parade (ha, what an expression to use for this) but your triad or vee or whatever you want to call it is very fragile and could just be a coping mechanism... but whatever it is I'm sure it is necessary and you will use it to return to a state of normalcy whatever that means to you.

I honestly wish you the best whatever that turns out to be... this is a very difficult time. Cancer sucks. Once again, please treat each other right and honor the memory of your friend Jill.
 
I am not worried

My friendship with Jill lasted 48 years. Our friendship as couples lasted 26 years. Jill and I often discussed expanding our foursome this way but she was afraid it might change our group dynamics in a detrimental way. What we have now seems to be working in a way that is enriching and healing for the three of us. Nothing will change our friendship and that is the base of our new relationship. Both my men seem happy. The new relationship is almost 6 months old. now. If it does not last that is okay too. I want both of my men to be happy. Life is constantly changing and evolving. Permanence is thing that is fleeting. One of us could die tomorrow. I think the quality of the time we have together is more important than how many years we last as a trio.
 
At least you had your whole lives together. You and Jill must have been little kids together! If my math is working... unless you're like 70 years old or something. If you ARE in your 70's I don't mean it like it's a bad thing of course!
 
That's a very touching story.

If everyone involved is supportive not only through the loss, but of each other as people, friends, and lovers - well, that's wat this is all about, and your lives will be richer for it.

Welcome!
 
I'm sorry for your loss, but your story is simultaneously very heartwarming. The depth of love to carry friendships so long, so far and so well is beautiful. I'm not old enough yet to brag of a friendship that lasted that long. My oldest friendship is currently 31 years and it's a beautiful thing.

I have no helpful advice for you at this time, but thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to hear of people who have such huge hearts, such deep wells of love to share from!
 
I am 50 years old. Jill's mother and mine were also best friends. Thank you for all the warm loving expressions of your thoughts and feelings. I feel very welcome here.
 
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. The only female friends I can say I have had my whole life are my sisters. I do not do understand women in some ways. I was always a tomboy when younger and in high school, those I was around were always back stabbing their so-called friends. You are lucky to have had a friendship such as that. I know you must miss her deeply.

As for your new realtionship with Fred, I can see the natural progression of that considering it was something that seemed to be on the table for years. I hope all goes well for you.

I wondered...do the three of you live together or still maintain the two households?

Vol
 
We are moving in with Fred

We have decided to blend our lives completely so we are selling our house. It is an exiting and very busy time for the three of us. We spend most of our spare time together anyway. The children are our only obstacle. What should we tell them?
 
The children are grown I presume?
Wow that is a toughy!

I know for me I find it easy to just be up front with my kids. I have no issue with letting them know-but that's somewhat different....

My oldest daughter knows I'm poly by nature (she just turned 18) and she knows I've been in a functioning poly family pretty much her whole life in one fashion or another.

My stepson-I dont' know what he knows/understands. There are some difficulties in knowing that because of psychological issues he has.

My youngest are 9 years and 2 years and they are clueless about SEX but know perfectly well that we have a 4 adult household and that we all love and care for one another..... it's been that way their whole lives.

However-"coming out" as to the EXTENT of our relationship... my hubby is very private on that note and so we haven't TOLD THEM (or anyone else) at this point. But myself personally tend toward the blunt.

I think it's a bit more touchy for your situation with the death of one of the core people in your group... I think I would ease into it something like Redpepper and mono described in dealing with the parents....

Please keep us posted, I'm interested to know what you come up with and how it works as we will eventually have family to integrate into our situation as well!
 
wow! What a great story. It seems to me a very natural thing and you three seem very mature in your friendship/relationship to be able to change the dynamics of your interactions now. So very very awesome and inspiring! I wish you three the best of luck and it sounds like you are already well on your way :) I think this new dynamic is very exceptional considering a death was sort of the catalyst for the change. You all three now have one more person who is that much closer to you... or it almost seems you were that close already it was just a matter of going ahead and expressing it more physically and intimately.
 
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